The forever unknown

   Suicide is subjective. I may think Sydni took her life for one reason, and you may believe something totally different. It is the unknown, the barrage of questions left looming, the lack of closure to this kind of death that drives us insane. I can't fix it. I can't put it neatly away. I can't put it in a box and say "this is why" and close the lid. It's even hard to learn from it, when I'm not sure why it happened. It is sad. It is frightening. It is devastating. It is consuming. It is so...final. Is it different with other deaths, the pain you feel, the wonder? Do the wounds of an accident or illness feel less uncertain than those of a suicide? Are you more able to concentrate on the happy, wonderful times than the swirl of anguish and anger that leads to such an act as to take your life?  Is the blame any easier when you know the person, disease, accident, illness that took your loved one away? We have no one else to blame, no named murderer here, just her...or us. Someone did it, right? Someone is to blame, after all there is someone missing now.
This is definitely a storm. Worse than any storm I've ever encountered.
    I discovered this past week that I may be slowly forgetting. I went to bunco and my friend's daughter came bouncing in toward the end of our night. So bubbly, so alive, so happy and playful with us..just like Sydni was. I could have sat and stared at her all night, the rest of my life even, just closed my eyes and listened to the ramblings of a beautiful teenage girl. Oh how I miss that. How could I forget how much life she brought to us?
   I won't lie, every single day for us is a struggle. We just go through the motions of the day, because that's all you can do. Still unable to clean her room anymore. Still can't look at pictures, listen to most music. I did make it to her grave to change out flowers for Christmas and to hang a couple ornaments. I saw where others had decorated for their loved ones; little Christmas picks and candy canes and such, but I just can't yet. Don't know if that's anger or guilt, but I'm just not there. When does this become easier? Maybe after the holidays? I seem to be forever making those kind of assumptions in these thoughts I write. If I can just get through "????" then it will ease up, but truth be told, it hasn't really worked yet. I feel so useless, of no great value in the big scheme of life. Lyn says he feels the same way.
I remember when I was younger that I would "make deals" with God. If He would make x, y or z happen, then I would know it was a sign from Him. Funny thing is, when it wasn't the sign I desired, I would try again, hoping to get MY way. I'm  not sure I believe in any "signs" anymore, maybe never did. Not sure I would get a "sign" from Sydni even if it was possible. I got a cocoa mug out the other night and had walked away, when I heard this clank from inside the cabinet. I went back to look and another, taller coffee mug had tipped over. I picked it up and on the outside it read "know that you are loved dearly and are prayed for every day." No lie. This really happened. My initial thought was it was Sydni sending me a message, but it took little time for me to discount it as just a cup that fell over and nothing more. I think I have just become so desperate to hear from someone that I will not.
18 weeks, 2 days...

Sunday
I went in Sydni's room this morning and bawled. Looked at the pictures on her wall and cried out. Today, I can't believe this is real. Today, I can not wrap my head and heart around the fact that I will never see her again...today.
Who am I anymore? Who have I become? What is my purpose in this world? Where is the meaning in all this pain and aching in our souls? I think the impending holiday is getting to me...today.

My SydniDrew, I don't know that I have anything to say today. I know you are happy and we are glad for that. We are sad and weak and lonely here. Please tell God we will keep going and praying and believing that things will get better, but if He could speed it up a bit, we wouldn't mind. We think of you every minute of every day. I hope now that you know how loved you were...by so many.
Megz gave me a tassel to put in your cedar chest cuz she got 2 for us! I know you are grateful, as am I. I hope you think of us sometimes.
Nee nuh noo Ninni <3

Thanksgiving

The trip up...
   There are moments, albeit very brief, and very few, that I can see God's love in my life. A text, or message, or gesture that comes at just the right time, and I am ever grateful! But for the most part of each of my days, I don't see, feel, hear God, or think that He hears my cries or pleas for help.
Today we are headed to Carthage, the place we go every year for Thanksgiving. I find myself feeling alone more than anything, and have been amped up and lashing out all day as we prepared to travel. I guess no one will do anything right in my eyes today.
I have been told by our counselor, and others, that I am very "black and white" and I am riding in the car trying to figure out what exactly that means, if it is the reason I sit here alone in the back seat this Thanksgiving, and if it is a bad thing that I am this way. Were too many expectations put on Sydni? Too many demands to tow the line? Is that not the duty of parents to encourage and promote and "expect" great things of them, and they of themselves? Was she of the age where it was no longer our job, our business, to steer her, to push her to stay the course of the goals that she had set for herself? Or were those goals mere mirages of what she thought we wanted, or wanted to hear? Maybe she didn't feel she could tell us that she didn't want to go to college or that she just couldn't be the "good girl" that we desired her to be. I didn't want her to leave me. We could have worked it all out if she would have communicated with us. There were times that I was disappointed with her actions, her choices and decisions, but I NEVER EVER stopped loving her.
And now, how do we parent Landon? Do we do something, or everything, different? Or did we do it right for the most part, and her death had nothing, or very little to do with us? How will we know? How do we keep this from happening a second time?
The trip home...
   If Thanksgiving is a prelim to what Christmas will be like, it will be harder than I first thought. We have endured 3 birthdays, including Sydni's, before this, and I thought Thanksgiving would feel like those, but it felt different. The absence of her felt more palpable. I was so looking forward to spending it with Lyn's family, who I adore, but I felt awkward, distant (by my own doing), and of course...lonely.
   I feel like a ping pong ball, hit in every different direction, feeling every different emotion there is to feel except happiness. I convince myself I need to let go, shut it down, stop thinking, but even now, she is my nearly every thought of every event however big or small. I have been told I need to somehow move forward, to stop letting myself be consumed by pain and sorrow. I want to. I pray to. But HOW I do that is unknown to me. How long is long enough? How long is too long? How do I do it? There are statistics that prove that we are certainly NOT the only ones to lose a child/sister to suicide. Looking at it from that vantage point does put it in perspective. But how do we let go of someone who meant so much to us, someone still in our home, someone we weren't even thru raising yet, someone so vibrant and ALIVE?!
I've got to figure something out.
   I think if I just get her room done, THEN I will be better, but I don't really know if that's true, and I haven't been able to go back in there for a while now. Maybe moving is what we need to do, but I think that that may not change anything either and then what?
These kind of questions, along with a MILLION other thoughts make up my days. I think I am just one messed up individual! But, I think Lyn, and even Landon to some extent, are right there with me.
Home now...
We are home now, and what I feel almost immediately is a rush of relief. Not relief from no longer being with family, but relief that we made it thru the first of 2 holidays that this family is dreading. It is always SO strange to me how quickly, so spontaneously my emotions can sway.
I received multiple texts and messages from wonderfully faithful friends today, and one texter in particular that I had been longing and waiting to hear from. For all that, I AM thankful. For Lyn's gracious and caring family and their comfort, I AM thankful. For my amazing husband and awesome son, I AM thankful. For this moment, for whatever reason, I am able to see past the UNthankful and let it be what it is. I wish this feeling in this moment would remain, but I know that it won't. But I am gonna stop typing, and just take time to try and somehow store this somewhere, and maybe, just maybe reference it again sometime in the near future. I feel a little fight left inside me tonight, a little life left inside me, and I am gonna stew in it. We loved and we lost, but WE LOVED!
The ending...
   We ended our Thanksgiving weekend with a trip to the cemetery on Sunday afternoon, just Lyn and I. I am saddened to say that I had not been to see her in almost a month, just haven't been able to go, and even as we pulled up, I felt that sick, wrenching tightness in my stomach as I sometimes do. Pain? Guilt? Sorrow? Longing? Not sure, but it's a real feeling, not as painful as when this all began, but it hurts.
   We were only there a few minutes before I spotted it...someone had thoughtfully and lovingly left a "Class of 2014" tassel for Sydni. I so appreciate the kindness of whomever left that for her! I felt the love behind it, but at the same time, it was too much. My daughter will never even graduate high school. How is this possible? I lost it. I couldn't even say goodbye to her.  Please know that I am thankful for it! It was just hard to see, but very very much appreciated!
   I have been so impressed by our youth of today, aka her friends and classmates. We have had just as many young people reach out to our family as we have adults. It speaks volumes as to the character you all possess. What a comfort to us you guys have been, as I know that Sydni will not be forgotten.
   I apologize that Sydni's cell number has been given to someone else already. I honestly just didn't think about it. Please know that you can still leave her private FB messages. I do not have or know her password, so they will remain between the two of you.

My dearest SydniDrew. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving up there with Jesus and the gang. Hope you are eating well, keeping your room clean, and your laundry done ;) We miss you and I am sorry I haven't been to see you much. It's just really hard sometimes to keep saying goodbye to you. Landon got your lava lamp and put it in his room. He thinks it's the most fascinating thing EVER! And I gave Margaux "Jacob" cuz...well you know why. We had a nice visit with her and Madison, and she looked cute carrying him out the door. He's gonna go hang out with her and "Justin" for a while :))