I think this or say it probably 100 + times a day, but my "what if" right now is different. At Bo's Place a couple weeks ago, someone in my group brought up a scripture that tells us that our days were numbered, even before we were formed (Psalm 139:16). I have had a lot of trouble with this verse and this truth. I tell myself that it doesn't apply in my circumstance because this wasn't a God-ordained death. This wasn't a death of illness or murder or an accident, it was a death of choice. But perhaps to say this doesn't apply to Sydni means that I don't trust God's Word and His promises to me.
What if? What if it's true that although He didn't want her to die in that moment, and yet allowed it, that it still was meant to be. He knew she would make this choice, even before she was conceived. But what if, because He knew that the enemy would devour my beautiful girl, He ordained that Landon would be born, to be here to help us carry on. What if we were exactly the parents Sydni needed to reach the goal of 16 years & 11 months of her life? What if, thru her death, He ordained that someone else would live?! Mind blowing I know.
Our grief counselor says that I am a deep thinker. I agree. I have always been a "thinker," but the loss of our child has made me think so deeply about every molecule of my life and the lives of my family. I wonder...did we go left when we should've gone right? Did we move at some point when we shouldn't have and therefore put this all in motion? Did we not parent correctly? Did we not do what God intended? Am I doing what God intended right now? Am I supposed to be blogging about all of it, or is there something else entirely that I should be doing?
We as Christians are to seek God's will and walk by faith. But what is faith? Faith is trusting in God's will and plan for our lives. Faith also requires confidence in those decisions that we make, but I find myself doubting possibly critical decisions that were made. I wonder if I didn't pray enough about something. I wonder if a seemingly simple detour in the road caused this. How can someone really truly know beyond certainty that what they are doing or where they are going is God's plan? We can plainly know that we are not to murder or steal, because the bible says so. But the bible doesn't tell you things like where to work or live or how many children to have. Some things you just pray about, listen and follow the answer, and go with confidence..with faith.
I went to the school and visited with Sydni's English teacher. There was a picture Sydni had drawn that she had offered to me shortly after Sydni's death and I did want it. It was hard walking the school halls where I knew Sydni had walked, hard to sit in a classroom that she once occupied. I almost asked if the room was still the same, and if she could show me where Sydni sat, but I didn't. I was surprised with a whole packet of special writings for me when I arrived, tucked in a folder that Sydni had colorfully decorated. So much thought and detail..and love put into the gathering of it all. Her teacher sat with me, cried with me, shared lots of stories with me, but the most important thing she shared was that Sydni talked about me "even more than most teen girls." She said she could clearly see that Sydni loved her mom. I was so thankful to hear that. I want so much to believe that. What a blessing that visit was for me <3
I saw a friend at the gym and she was telling me about another parent who had lost their child several years ago, and that this mother told her that she wouldn't have rather not known her son then to have had him the short time she did. I feel the same way. I would do it all over again. Every second of it. Same result. Same all of it. I will NEVER regret knowing her, loving her, mommying her. It was my joy and privilege.
SydniDrew. Me and you..you and me. We had something more special than most moms and daughters. Something only death could sever, and I wouldn't trade one single moment of my life with you. God didn't give you to us for a lifetime, but He did show me what PURE love feels like. Maybe this can only be accomplished by the loss of one so close to my heart.
This particular anniversary stirs many defining memories. You have been gone as long now, as it takes to create life...9 months yesterday. This is poignant to me. It brings to mind all the emotions of being pregnant and giving birth to you, of the wonders of actually creating a human being, of being so terrified to take you home and to be your mom, of such dreams of an amazing life, of such a huge, lifelong responsibility.
I have a distinct vision of you at maybe 2 or 3, running toward me, your curly long hair blowing in the breeze. You, brushing it back with your hand, your cheeks so rosy. Its so vivid, I haven't been able to shake the image, and kind of like a song stuck in your head on repeat, you keep wiping back your hair and smiling at me. I remember endless circles danced around the coffee table when your were a toddler, just circle after circle, so many circles in fact that we bought special pads to go around the glass top to protect you from a fall. I wish I could've kept protecting you. You were our world, my world. I can remember laying on your bed when you were 6, after finding out I was pregnant with Landon, crying because I didn't think that I had enough love to share with someone else. I couldn't have been more wrong. If you couldn't know, couldn't feel the love that I had for you, then I don't know what else I could have possibly done.
I have been taping Dr. Phil lately and watching at night. I often wonder what he would say to us as parents. Perhaps he wouldn't think we did things right. Anyway, Wednesday's episode was an update on this girl/woman who had been held captive for 11+years and escaped. Dr. Phil asked her had she ever thought of taking her own life, and her response was yes, but she said that she then thought that that would be the easy way out, and she was going to overcome her circumstances. This statement was both sad and inspiring to me. Sad because I guess I feel Sydni bailed on us, and that's hard for me to write, as she is not here to defend herself or to explain her reasons for leaving; and inspiring because I too have suffered greatly in my life, but I chose...life. I cannot take back what Sydni did, I cannot fix it, I cannot bring her back. If I choose to live, then I need to live.
I often focus on the things I think I did wrong, on the ways I could've been different or better somehow, on ways I could've miraculously been the "perfect" parent...but there IS NO perfect. When I hear myself interact with Landon, just the regular daily mundane stuff, the accomplishments and disappointments of each day, I hear kindness from myself. I hear encouragement and motherly advice. I hear...love! I don't act differently toward him then Sydni I don't think. I don't treat him differently since this happened. I take more of an effort in discipline to reassure him that he is loved regardless, but in those everyday moments...I'm just me. For every hundred things I can think that I could've/should've done differently, I can think of a thousand others that I felt I did right. Sydni had good parents. Sydni had a good home. Sydni had...love. But that's what makes it so much more confusing isn't it?
It's fading, the distinct sounds of laughter and happiness you brought to this home. 9 months since we've heard your footsteps, felt your touch, listened to your voice, and looked at your face. Lyn said that perhaps this is what drives you to look at pictures and videos, so you can remind yourself of what's missing, and what once was. I'm not there yet. I dream about Sydni sometimes, but when I do, I dream as if I am her, kinda sorta. I never see her or talk to her, but instead I am acting out scenarios that she would be a part of. Weird I know. But hey, it's a dream!
Lyn and I have had the honor and the daunting task of choosing a recipient for Sydni's scholarship fund that her friends established for her. I had to go the High School today to return the anonymous application copies and disclose the recipient. I prepared myself, telling myself to hold it together until I got back in the car, and went in good spirits...then the bell rang while I stood waiting to be escorted to the counselor's office. I couldn't contain it. The longer I stood, the more tears that came. This was my first trip back to the school that meant so much to our daughter. These are just some of the hundreds of thousands of moments where I ask "WHY Sydni? WHY?"
It was both incredibly touching and yet difficult to read the impact she made on these students lives. I am extremely grateful for their words, and I now know the name of the one we chose. Sydni would be so proud! I wish we could've given it to all that applied, but there just wasn't enough money to spread it that thin. Thank you to each and every one of you, including the ones that just wanted to write about her and did not want to be included in the process. They are a treasure that I will share with Landon when we feel the time is right.
I have struggled of late with my place in the pecking order of my family. The dynamics have changed, and I find myself, a lot, wondering why I matter. I know I am good for laundry and field trips and school drop off/pick up, but I don't have anyone that needs me like Sydni did, or at least that's how it feels. Real or imagined, it's my emotion. Lyn and Landon have an amazing bond, much like Sydni and I did, and I am extremely grateful that they have that connection. Lyn is Landon's go-to person, the one he wants to spend more time with. Don't misunderstand, my family is very nice to me. Lyn is near perfection as a husband, but it doesn't feel right without her with me. Perhaps this is the natural order of things, boys with boys, girls with girls, but Sydni has left my pack, and left me with a huge void that I'm not sure can be filled. I am bitter with her about this, feel pity for myself about this, sometimes feel I deserve this, and sometimes feel this is exactly what she wanted for me. It is difficult to put in words the swirl of emotions that swim in my head..love, anger, betrayal, guilt, pity, loathing, acceptance..all in the same day, same hour, same sentence. Maybe this is the description of "unconditional love."
I miss her...completely <3
I have done my best to stay off social media as to avoid compounding the inevitable torture of the end of senior year, and to try to grasp the new knowledge of your death. I survived prom weekend, although I did spend a lot of time remembering getting ready together last year. We bought some makeup from Sephora and a can of hairspray and we did it all ourselves. I, the hairdresser; Sydni, the makeup artist. I have to say that I thought she looked flawless! She was such a natural beauty.
We also celebrated an anniversary of 20 years this past week, the 6th, but with no celebration. What's to celebrate, when it just feels like survival right now. I hate that this monumental occasion passes with barely a notice. It makes me angry, and I don't want to be angry with her.
Mother's Day is coming, and the list of firsts and jabs at our hearts just keeps growing. I have no doubt that this will be an 8 out of 10 on the scale of hard days. It's a day I think that will always leave me feeling half a mom. Thank goodness for DVR. It's almost cruel to see commercials of kids talking about their hallmark moments and how wonderful their moms are. So everyone that goes to church with me just be on guard..tears will be in full swing, but I do wish every mom that reads this a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day. Soak it in and be thankful. Kids, be good to your moms even if you don't feel like it. You are so so blessed to all have each other! I am blessed as well.
Sorry this was so long. Guess I had more built up inside than even I knew.
Guess what?! I love you SydniDrew<3
There is a new Justin Timberlake song out that would totally be our car jam, top down, music blaring. It's called Not a Bad Thing. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be YOUR fave, since it isn't rap, but I know you would sing along and jam it just for me. It makes me think of you every time I hear it! (said all I want from you is to see you tomorrow, and every tomorrow) Dad has had a really hard few days. The application letters were super difficult for him. He says he misses his "Sunshine!" Remember, he would always say that when he came in from work? "Hey there Sunshine, how was your day?" He and Landon both miss you so much...and me too, of course. I think he is lost without you here to help him shop for me for Mother's Day too. I'm maybe hoping they won't bother with anything.
Prom has come and gone. I wonder what dress you would've picked, who you would've gone with, how excited and sad you would've been at this being your last prom. I miss us...
We picked a recipient for your scholarship fund. I know you are pleased with us rn!
Please pick a few Heavenly roses and give them to Nana, Grammie, and Nanny for us...and anybody else that might need one.
Love you forever, mom <3
