Our Senior

    For two nights straight I have found myself in the stadium parking lot, just envisioning and crying. It is as close to her and what "should have been" as I can get. SO many memories there, on either side of me, as I sit, flanked by the stadium and middle school. But Friday night's events won't be a memory for my collection.
   I didn't get the chance to have senior pictures made. Don't have graduation announcements to pass around to family and friends. There's no graduation luncheon or party or trip to plan, but as a parent it just feels right to want, or maybe need, to honor our would-be senior, OUR grad, our beautiful and talented daughter, Sydni Lewis. It will require that I step out of my comfort zone as I look for the first time thru pictures of her on our computer. But I want to do this for her. It just feels important, so here goes...
   Sydni was a member of NHS, JV cheerleader for 2 years along with co-captain for 1. Varsity cheerleader for 1 year, a member of the Spanish Club for 1 year, and was in the top 13 percent of her class at the time of her death. She took dance for 7 years, played piano for 10 years, cheered for 5 years, and in my opinion, was a budding artist. She was a member of Old River Baptist and the youth program and had a huge heart for missions. She was exceptionally loyal, friendly, sensitive, confident yet insecure like most teen girls, adventurous, protective, and above all beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside. She loved God, children, and as we all know of course, animals. She planned to attend Texas A&M or Blinn in the fall and wanted to be a vet, but was also considering a career as a nurse practitioner or teacher.
   This is one of the last pictures of her, taken with my camera by her best friend Kelcy on our annual family vacation last summer to Garner. Little did Kelcy, or any of us know that their "photo shoot" that day would be our last pictorial memories entrusted to last a lifetime. I'm grateful to have them.
   This is for you SydniDrew. You are loved and missed beyond words or thoughts. I could never express enough the magnitude of your impact on my life. You made me a better person and I loved being "Sydni's mom."  I will attempt to display the compassion, generosity, and inclusiveness I have now, countless times, heard that you offered others. It was your gift! I know first-hand the wonderful person you were, and I pray I never forget the smallest details of your beautiful face, those green eyes, your soft hands, your infectious laugh, your glowing smile, your quirks and mannerisms, your walk, or your love. 

YOU could light up a room, like you lit up my life! 

You will forever be your daddy's prom queen, Landon's YaYa, our beloved daughter, my other half and best friend<3
God gave me you



Proverbs 3:5

Graduation

   I have imagined this moment a thousand times in my head over the years. Thought about what it would feel like to see my baby girl all grown up as she received her diploma, and now the time has come, and she's not here. I try to imagine what it feels like to be you, maybe much like those of you who have tried to imagine what it would be like to walk in our shoes.
   Graduation, a monumental moment in a young adult's life, and in a parent's. A culmination of a parent's hard work and selfless dedication to our children. A day to celebrate accomplishments and to survey the endless possibilities of their future. For graduates, I'm sure much the same, mixed with the rush of impending independence. The chance to go out, be on your own and make your own decisions. Maybe there's even a slight hint of fear at leaving the nest of nurturing and rules, comfort and free food. Freedom does come with responsibility.
   It's a day that I would find marked with tears of sadness and of joy. Our babies, all grown up and ready (or not) to face the big world. I imagine I would be crying a lot and Sydni would be annoyed, but reassuring me that she will always be close by, she will be fine, and promising to send me "guess what" texts daily.
   Her goal was to attend A&M, but if  not, she would attend Blinn first. She had looked at other colleges, as evidenced by the tons of brochures and unanswered voice mails that have only recently stopped, but as far as I knew, her heart was set on College Station. We had talked about college since Sydni was really small, trying to instill at an early age the importance of education, and being the first born, you know how much more verbiage and lectures and even pressure you get to succeed.
   I wonder how SHE would feel? I imagine excited, accomplished, relieved, maybe a bit sad to leave her HS and all that she had known, to leave behind younger classmates. But I imagine she would be giddy at the opportunity to walk the stage and slide her tassel, to flash that beautiful smile at everyone and to hug any and all necks that she could possibly find. I imagine that she would be excited to go off to college and make her own choices. This was something she often said we didn't let her do enough of in her HS years. I wish she had understood that we just wanted to keep her safe.
   This is one of the hardest milestones that I have experienced on this journey, if not the biggest. It is difficult to "imagine" her not graduating. It's one of those "this can't be real" moments, as I secretly wait for her to come home and prepare for this most special day with me. Part of me is angry that she has robbed our family of this, but mostly I'm just so sad to not be able to share it with her as I had always dreamed. I feel as tho I've lived an entire, different life in these less than 10 months. Never have I counted as many days, months, holidays, special occasions. It's crazy. It's all just so crazy to me! 
   We have gone back and forth about attending graduation, wanting so badly to support her class and friends, but in the end deciding it is too painful. I have heard tho, that there will be 2 empty seats as they would sit alphabetically, for Amulek and Sydni. I am very grateful, as long as it is a healing tool for the kids, but please don't lose sight of the fact that this is NOT the way to end your life. No one should ever think that suicide is the answer. I have so often thought to myself over these months, if she would have hung on another hour, another day, another month, what her life would be now. I'm sure it would be great, and she would be happy. Never lose sight that there are people out there that don't have a "choice." They suffer illnesses, cancer, diseases.. Problems are temporary. Just stay! Pray. Choose LIFE!

   I do have something to share with the Class of 2014. Something that I feel led to convey on Sydni's behalf, and something I hope you all will hold on to. You are a class that has been through more than most, and a class that his risen above. You have shown so much strength and compassion and love for each other, and for us. It is a non-repayable gift that has truly made these months bearable. My tears are of loss, but they are also of love for the grace you all continue to display. We hurt, but you hurt too. The Class of 2014 will forever hold only the BEST of thoughts for the Lewis family for your kindness and support.
   Below is the drawing Sydni made in her English class last year, along with something Mrs. Guarnere wrote for me that pertained to an assignment on Rachel's Challenge, and what she believed was the inspiration behind the picture. (Sydni was a great artist.)  I share this with you, in hopes that you will ALL be gardeners in life. That you will remember the beautiful hands of a funny, loving, imperfectly perfect teen that have touched so many. That you will grow a tree, a flower, through LIVING your lives, and remember a girl...who wanted to make a difference. 

Never forget <3

Best wishes Class of 2014

Grow something, won't you?

All my love SydniDrew Lewis. I pray your hands DO someday, somehow grow...something as amazing as you.