As I sat on my front porch to clear my head I couldn't help but think..August 8th, 2013 was a day much like today, the world moving all around this house of ours~hot, sunny, quiet, wind at a whisper, with the faint sounds of locusts, birds, dogs barking in the distance, and an occasional car passing by. Just an ordinary day, one in which for some, time would stop, for others it was to be interrupted, and for the rest of the world, life would continue as normal. But inside our home, a beautiful sixteen year old girl was deciding her life. How big is that?
On this, the first of a lifetime date to remember, I have nothing to compare it to but the day it all happened, the words I left unspoken, the love I didn't readily give on that particular day. I lost myself, sitting on that bed, unable to help someone I would have given my life for. My heart kept beating and hers stopped.
I hate the thought of calling it an "anniversary." Those are intended to be hallmarks in time of happy and accomplished events, this certainly doesn't qualify as that. Yet it's a day to never be forgotten by our family and friends.
I know that I am not where I was one year ago, on that day, but I am far from better, or where I want to be. The strong emotions still overwhelm me in waves on a daily, even hourly basis, continuing to make it difficult to make plans as I attempt to stream a single, solid emotion long enough to see to fruition.
I still have fears, anxieties, weird ones. I don't like going to the grocery store alone. I don't like entering Sydni's room, altho once I'm in I'm okay. I don't like to be in a crowd of people I don't know. I don't like going in the gym. I don't like loud noises or sudden shocks of any kind, I cringe when I have to go to photos on the computer, and these are just a few. I don't like exiting Garth Rd unless we are going to the grave because it feels wrong to be that close to where she is and not go visit, kinda like if your child had moved and you drove by but didn't stop. Cuz if Sydni moved, I was gonna be coming over for sure! <3
We had grief counseling the day before the one year and our counselor talked about how good it is that we are sharing with others about suicide, because so many who have lost someone to it don't talk about it. I have heard that from a few people as well, that it's a hard topic to broach. I just want to say that is not easy to talk about. It is not what I want the world to know about our beautiful daughter or our family unit, but for me...I speak my truth for my survival. It engulfs me, and without the opportunity to talk about it, it might just consume me. The word shame was brought up in counseling. I don't know that I ever really looked at that word or consciously felt that, but once it was said I did see it, I do feel shame. Shame for my family that suicide has become a part of our legacy. Shame that we couldn't prevent such a tragedy from entering our home, but I am not ashamed that I was Sydni's mom, and will never be. I doubt myself so many times, my confidence shattered, but my love for her is eternal.
Perhaps my blogging has been of a selfish motive. To feel the sting of suicide and our own set of personal circumstances leading to it, has carried such a weight of feeling responsible. I am sure there is a part of me that needs the reassurance of others. I need to express all the emotion inside me, but I could just as easily journal silently and keep it private. I want people to know, not speculate how we are doing and to enlighten others about how this tragedy has affected our lives. I will never be some world traveling spokesperson for suicide prevention or write a book, but if one person who has lost someone can relate to our story and know they aren't alone in their feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, unanswered questions..or if one person thinking of ending their life, by reading, makes a different choice, then that's all I could ask for.
We had a sermon last week that was really hard for me. It was about not judging others sins and not asking the question "why would they do that?" I ask this question a lot, but God doesn't want us to get stuck on the questions or the sins of others. He knows every sin you and I will ever commit. Satan wants nothing more than to catch us in our weakness and doubts. God could've stopped what happened to Sydni that day, and I have to accept that He had a bigger plan. It is sooo difficult for me to grasp this. God doesn't make mistakes.
I would like people to consider that when you shun, are rude or demeaning to someone grieving from child loss, it cuts a thousand times deeper. It plays games with our minds and can leave someone who is trying to regain their confidence and footing to further doubt themselves. If you can't imagine losing a child, then don't imagine how long or how much grace they need. Grief is a complex circuit board of triggers and extreme emotions. Your kindness will be much more appreciated than your judgement.
This blog is not just about the sorrow, but the journey. I am able to look over this last year and see so many of the blessings given to our family, blessings that I couldn't see in the moment that they happened. I could never ever repay the kind of community support we have received. I've also been blessed with friendships, love, encouragement, stories shared, that I can see now, God sent at just the right moment. Some of the friendships were for just a season, but were there exactly what I needed at that time. The support has honestly at times kept me going. I have never known such generosity of heart as I have discovered this year. I sat down 2 or 3 times to write thank-you's for all the plants, flowers, food, gifts, even monetary donations, and got maybe half a dozen done, but each time I sit and write a personal note to someone, I am overcome with emotion. The loss of her is just so great for me, and I am so sorry I haven't gotten them done yet. I need and want to do them, I just don't know if I can. It amazes me how strong other people are, how they are able to do things that even after a year I still struggle with. Maybe it's a lack of faith, maybe it's a lack of peace, maybe it's just a longer journey for me...
This was sent my one of Sydni's great friends on the year day. I am so thankful for her and her continued Godly concern for our family. This is great food for thought for anyone going thru any kind of struggle. Thank you Savanna. I love you.
So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
(1 Samuel 30:4 NIV)
~Because it's okay to cry.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13 NIV)
~Because He will give you the strength to over come.
I love you, Lord, my strength. (Psalm 18:1 NIV)
~Whatever you do, don't give up on Him.
