Life after a year looks better for us, at least from the outside looking in. I am able to go thru most days without exposing others to my unsolicited crying spells. I can respond to "how are you doing?" with an "I'm okay." I can smile, joke, maybe even laugh a bit, but it's always there. The sadness lurks just underneath the surface of my face, the emptiness still lives in my heart. It's difficult to talk about just everyday stuff when my world still feels so upside down. Is this my life? Is this as good as it gets? I still feel anxious a lot, nervous a lot, depressed and sad a lot. Will I ever be happy again?
It is still hard, hard to hear about other's teens and their accomplishments, hard to see teens just..being teens! I feel as if I'm living in an alternate universe, a parallel life to the one I used to know, but I can't get there anymore. I can see, right over there, the road of what was and what should be, but there's no getting to it. Now there stands an invisible wall, between where I am and where I want. The path we're on now, it's not so clear, not so bright and cheery, not at all what we had planned all these years.
Sydni's room sits, boxes still littering the once vibrant space of the beautiful soul that lived there. Thank you notes sit untouched. It would almost be embarrassing to send them at this point, and I don't think I am yet emotionally ready to do them anyway. Her gravestone sits, waiting for us to adorn it. We don't yet have her things back from investigators either. I think we are just in survival mode, trying our best to move forward and find a way to give Landon some happiness while waiting out the storm of sorrow that continues to engulf us.
Landon is struggling again this year with football. He wanted to play at the first of the season, but as time goes on he doesn't want to go. We are trying to steer him toward sticking it out, not quitting, and trying to work through the sadness this sport brings him now. I want to thank all the TIFI coaches and parents for putting up with us this year. Landon sometimes doesn't make it to practice despite our best efforts to get him there, and sometimes sits out of practices because he just can't do it. Even so, he's been given the opportunity to play in the games and it is MUCH appreciated. Everyone has been more than generous with us. He loved football before Sydni died, so it's hard to know if we should let him stop playing or not. We don't want to promote "quitting" either, as we've already lost someone that meant everything to us. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I'm certain some would say press on, while others would say let him stop if it makes him sad, so what's the perfect answer, because perfect is what I need. We want only the best for him, just like we did Sydni. Part of me wishes I knew what it was I did wrong to cause Sydni to die...and part of me would be terrified to know.
Parenting is never easy, it shouldn't be, but normally we are afforded mistakes along the way. We do the best we can, make the best decisions possible for our kids based on what we were taught, or not taught, and what feels right as we know it in our hearts and in our minds. If we get it right, great, and if we don't, we can try again, differently next time if need be. But now, now I feel I have no room for error. Now I see that every decision I make may cost a person, my only other child, their life. Every squabble, every conflict, the smallest of disagreements triggers my consuming guilt. If I thought that parenting was difficult before, it is monstrous in comparison now. The more I need, want, am drawn to parent differently, the worse I feel about myself and the more I doubt myself as a parent. Parenting differently means that I did something/everything wrong and therefore I have to correct my mistakes. Parenting differently means that I didn't do it right before, with her, and that is overwhelming to me.
It IS different then a year ago, I just don't know if it's any better. The longer I spend without her, the less I anticipate her return, but there are just no words to describe what life has been or will be without her. I continue to think of her constantly, nearly every waking moment of every day, and I continue to miss her in the same way. I long to hear her say I love you again, I long to smell her, touch her soft skin. What I would give for even one minute, sixty seconds with her. It would make a world of difference for me, but it won't happen. So I will love her, with all that I am for as long as forever will be...
Hey, how have you been? We are okay. Landon had his birthday and thinks being 11 is kind of a big deal :) The grief counselor said he needed to stop sleeping with us so he's back in his room..for now. We let Maci go up there with him cuz he says it's lonely upstairs without you here. Dad is alright. He is struggling some and we are worrying a lot about how to take care of Landon. I know you are really happy in Heaven, but I have to tell you you kinda messed us up down here. I'm not doing so well sometimes. A few of your friends still keep in touch and everybody seems to be doing good. I think you would've LOVED college life, but I think I would've bugged you too much ;)
I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom to you. I did try for you, the best I knew how.
I love you and miss you like crazy.
There'll never be another love like you SydniDrew <3
