Who Am I?

   
   As many of you know church has been difficult for us this past year or so. We have gone a couple times in the last 2 months and are trying to re-engage our spiritual lives. The music is hard, the lessons and sermons can be difficult, and even the praises/prayer requests of a Sunday School class or sitting next to a family that's "all there" can make you question why we would put ourselves thru it. To remember that God has always been and remains FOR us is where I am trying to get back to. I don't have to understand the "whys" of this life, I just need to have faith that He will heal my brokenness. 
SS topic for this past week was about spiritual maturity and where we see ourselves. Someone said that you might be spiritually immature if you're not steadfast in faith when dealing with hardship, tragedy, the possibility of losing a child, that our hope shouldn't be reliant on whether a child lives or dies, but on God's will. I agree with that, but I contend that spiritual maturity is not a plateau that you arrive and stay. Maybe it can change and evolve with the ebb and flow of life's trials, depending on circumstances, and give way to further growth. You will never reach full spiritual maturity until we are united with Christ. Our journeys as Christians are not all the same. It's what makes our testimonies unique, one from another. Spiritual maturity is a journey. Grief is a journey. Parenting is a journey. LIFE is a journey, and it's full of growth and setbacks; struggles and triumph; pain and joy; hope and sorrow. Maybe the idea is to come out stronger than before, changed.

   I've discovered a new platform for healing and expressing how I feel in my grief journey. It's videos. So many thoughts I form in my head daily, a tangled mess of emotions and awareness I want to convey. They seem to hit me at the most in opportune times like when I'm driving or laying in bed, working, and when I'm least able to jot them down, and all sounding so much better there than when I attempt to write, but videos can tell their own story, of emotions, and a life with the the most precious gift we could ask for. It moves some of the focus from Sydni's death, to looking at and remembering our beautiful lives together. The pictures make me both happy and profoundly sad. The music speaks for me. I try to tell a story as I merge split seconds in time with the words and sounds that communicate my emotions. It's my way of remembering her, sharing her, and conveying the endless emotions of the greatest loss I've known.

   My latest struggle has been trying to discover where I fit in now. It is still very difficult to be around parents of girls or to hear about milestones of older kids, but to be honest, I never know what is going to make me sad in a conversation, so how can I expect others to know. It's been a little over 2 years now, people's lives have moved forward, and so have ours, as little as that movement may seem to us. I want to be with people. I want to have friends. I want to be liked and not pitied. I want to be a friend. I don't have my girl with me anymore and I want to have girl time, but it's hard. I smile and try, but I'm not healed. I'm not sure if/when that will happen. It's probably hard to be my friend. I'm still very sensitive; sad; withdrawn at times; intimidated by crowds, situations; worried over who I'll see or what will make me retreat; acutely thankful for the smaller things in life, but not thankful for a lot of things I think I should see as blessings; having trouble being happy for other's happiness aka selfish; aka still a mess.
I'm not sure who I am anymore, and I kinda don't remember who I was before August 8, 2013. Heck, I was asked the other night how old Sydni would be and I couldn't remember! Who doesn't know how old their children are? I was floored when I realized she would be 19. NINETEEN! How did she get that old and why did I not remember this? She's had birthdays! It's because she's forever 16, 11 days shy of her 17th birthday, still attending BHHS and graduating this next year. She plans to attend A&M, drives a little sports car (sometimes too fast) and you're sure to see her cruising down 3180 headed to a friend's house. We led a typical, imperfect life here at the Lewis home, and now it's gone.
I think about her all day everyday, probably more than most parents think about their living children, and I don't even know how old she would be...

   Things I've accomplished. I bought my first new decorative things for my house (some wall stuff) since Sydni died. I sang for the first time in church a few weeks ago. I am going to the gym (4 weeks so far) which I'm proud of...but there's a catch lol. I'm going at 5am so to avoid as much emotion as possible. Not sure how long that early morning gig will last but I am trying! I'm trying to live life. I'm trying to gain more of a hold on my footing. I am trying...

My beautiful SydniDrew, I'm sorry its been awhile since I last wrote to you here. It's harder to write, but maybe that's because we are growing strength. Landon is in the playoffs again for TIFI football and overall has had the best year yet since you left. He's in SIXTH grade now! And growing up. He didn't go to Homecoming this year. He's not nearly as social as you were at his age, but he's becoming such a wonderful young man <3 You'd be so proud of him! Dad is okay but he struggles and misses you just as much as me. We are both going to the gym and I'm getting up at 4:30am!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? ME! lOl  Kimmie still sends me good morning texts almost daily and Michael is there for dad too. So grateful for their friendships <3. I still wish for you, think of you, most of my time. How can I ever give up? I'm your mom! We are going to GriefShare at church and have met some really nice people. Bro Danny loves and misses you too! He talks about you a lot <3
How is Heaven? Busy? Do you walk or float? Are there seasons? Do you sleep? Eat? Have a house? What does God look like? I'm sad not to be able to share with you what each of us is experiencing. I can't wait to see you... I miss all of you...
X's & O's Sydni. You are my forever person💞