I love you so...
Don't you just love that? A friend sent this phrase to me in a text, and I was immediately taken with how it made me feel. Usually we say "I love you so much," but this seems so much BIGGER, fuller, more meaningful and intimate without "much" tacked on the end. I love it.
I love her. I love her so...
3 years. 1095 days since we last saw her, heard her voice, touched her skin. I will never call this an "anniversary" or "angelversary" I don't think. There's nothing about this day I want to celebrate.
Lyn and I probably think about Sydni more than most do about their living children. Every minute detail of everyday life includes the thought "what if she were here," from grocery shopping to singing in the car, and every possible moment in between. There's such an emptiness. Sometimes I feel like I have to prove to her how much I love her, and how much we miss her.
This summer has been better than the rest. Landon did a camp at school that made for a change in the rhythm of the summer days that brought me here, and was very helpful to me emotionally.
It may be easier to say where I'm not than where I am. I'm not falling apart or curled up in my bed this day. I'm so sad, I'm forever sad, but as I compare my emotions to the last 2 collisions with this day, the grief it seems has somewhat lessened, changed, perhaps morphing ever slowly into something more permanent. It upsets me. It's like I'm grieving my grief. The tears that fall aren't as frequent anymore. I no longer need to cry everyday or a thousand times a day, but I cry, the long drawn out sobs more often replaced with less frequent, gut punching, unbreathable, wrenching silent cries. My body aches for her.
When I lay my head down at night still seems to be the hardest, in the darkness with my thoughts and examinations of self and events. It's when I struggle most and when I still can't believe this happened to us, that she's gone, and that I had NO idea that her life was so fragile. It's when I most dissect our lives together, our relationship, our last months..days..moments. How could I love someone so completely, and not know their world was spinning out of control?
Trips to the cemetery have slowed. It's strange how much more real it feels when we go there. I think somewhere in my mind, unconsciously, and yet expectedly, I envision this as a bad break-up or separation from someone you loved. They are far away and you don't talk anymore, but they're out there, somewhere, and just maybe, you'll get a call or text, you'll bump into them or they'll knock on your door, and all will be right with the world again. My head and my heart just don't get it.
Language continues to be sensitive, always reactive, careful to never convey too much happiness. I use the words "okay" and sometimes "good" to describe us when asked how we are or how we're doing, but never "great." When describing my day, I might say "better" but never "best." Milestones and accomplishments forever hyphenated with sorrow. Nothing will ever be as happy as it could be, without her.
Blogging has been very therapeutic for me, maybe lifesaving, altho I'm not sure how much longer I'll continue writing. With it I've been able to share my truth and some of my family's. It's kept me plugged in to society, where I often times feel I don't fit. This has never been about dishonoring our precious and beautiful Sydni, but to give a perspective and transparency to the pain of losing a child, and the aftermath of suicide. It will be a lifetime of absence of a gift from God.
I've been gentle with my words today. There are more moments than I could possibly jot down, that my heart feels completely shattered. The real of it all is I'm dying inside today.
Take care of one another. Do your best. Forgive quickly. Love out loud. No silence.
My SydniDrew <3 How are you??? It's been awhile and I've missed writing these notes to you!!! Let's see, since I last wrote, your dad broke his leg, and your bubba had his appendix removed. I KNOW!! Scary stuff huh?? They are good now and dad is on the mend. Landon went to youth camp and LOVED it! He got braces...and GLASSES!!! (he's so cute!) Gosh I miss you. I'm sure you have Jesus wrapped around your finger and squeezing him tight with the best hugs only you can give <3 Did I mention I miss you??? I can't help but hope these letters reach you. Surely God likes technology lol (; I am okay Sytni <3 It's gonna take me a while longer, but I'm okay. I think more than anything ever, if I could just get a text or something from you... Your sweet friends still keep in touch (: I think you'd be as amazed as I am! Like there's a lot!!!! Such great character.
Guess I'll go for now. Don't forget us, but don't worry either.
Hoping you know...I love you so.
