Everyone keeps saying that I'm doing better, that I'm so strong, so why can I not see it? I cry out to God. I pray for peace, for grace, for relief, for comfort, for something, but feel my prayers and pleas seemingly go unanswered. I feel sometimes that He even kicks me while I'm down. Is He even there? Is He real? Does He care? Maybe I'm just having an extra bad day, but I'm growing tired of these days. I write these blogs, but really they are just my public journals. I'm even questioning why I am/would publicly write about all that I feel. Do I honestly think that writing this is going to help someone not take their life? If someone wants to go, they will go. Sydni did. She did something that I cannot fix for her this time. I could not help her with this one because she didn't ask, tell or want me to, and I will never understand why. What I "crave," what I NEED is forgiveness, from someone who is unable to give that to me anymore, even if they wanted to. THIS is what I have to come to terms with, because she won't be coming back. I have to give it to God, and somehow figure a way to forgive myself.
Lyn says it is just going to take a long time to heal. That it hurts SO BAD because we loved her SO MUCH...THAT much! I agree with him. My husband, SydniDrew's daddy, is so amazing.
He shared a dream he had about her last night. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing it. He said he couldn't remember what all she said, but she stood on the couch and looked up as she talked to him. We were both sitting on the couch and he stroked her leg and told her how beautiful she looked, while I cried. He only remembers her saying that she had to go, and that she kissed me on the head. Oh how I wish she would talk to me. How I long to see her.
If you're reading this and are in a bad place in your life, I encourage you to talk about it with someone...anyone. Don't let it ever get to the point where you are about to check out. Life WILL get better! Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't leave us. You ARE loved <3
SydniDrew I love you. Please forgive me for not being the best parent. Please forgive me for not saving you. Please forgive me for being hurt and angry. I would love for you to come to me in a dream; to tell me anything you want, to kiss my head and feel it.
I saw Rahnee today, and she looks amazing. She is going to be a wonderful mom. I got invited to her shower. I wish you could come with me.
Daddy and Landon love you, and miss you. Dad cries more now. Landon wants his YaYa. We are hurting here without you. Don't forget us.
Love, mom
Becky I am in awe of you....... I am so sorry for your loss but I can only imagine that Heaven needed a beautiful angel such as SydniDrew. My heart aches for you and the fam. I will pray daily.
ReplyDeleteBecky I don't know you other than seeing you at TIFI games. My son Bo plays on the freshman team. I write a blog too that is a journal of my life. So I am glad someone shared yours. I can't even begin to find the right words to say but I am a mom and I can just imagine how you feel. I have done my share of questioning God. I have been mad and I have been hurt. But over and over again I come back to the basic truth that He gave His life because He loved us. He loves you! And though you are in pain and missing a precious irreplaceable person in your life, God catches every tear and feels every beat of your heart. I pray you get the peace you desire from the Prince of Peace. He holds your every moment and calms your raging seas. I am praying you are comforted right now where you are. From one mom to another. Hope Rhodes
ReplyDeleteDearest Becky, I am happy to see you sharing. I think it is AWESOME & BRAVE to share your feelings on this blog. Our hearts are hurting with your hearts. I have been in tears reading this and I can't even imagine the pain you, Lyn, and Landon are feeling at this point. There isn't a day I don't think of your wonderful family. If I could tell you everyday you did nothing wrong and are a great mother, I would. But, I know the thoughts in our heads sometimes confuse the feelings in our hearts. When we have Jesus in our hearts, Satan can only whisper to our minds and not take control of our hearts. The whispers are what hurt. The deceiver telling you it was your fault. JUST KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN TO JESUS TO BEAT SATAN WITH THE UGLY STICK. We love you and send hugs. Dana
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