The forever unknown

   Suicide is subjective. I may think Sydni took her life for one reason, and you may believe something totally different. It is the unknown, the barrage of questions left looming, the lack of closure to this kind of death that drives us insane. I can't fix it. I can't put it neatly away. I can't put it in a box and say "this is why" and close the lid. It's even hard to learn from it, when I'm not sure why it happened. It is sad. It is frightening. It is devastating. It is consuming. It is so...final. Is it different with other deaths, the pain you feel, the wonder? Do the wounds of an accident or illness feel less uncertain than those of a suicide? Are you more able to concentrate on the happy, wonderful times than the swirl of anguish and anger that leads to such an act as to take your life?  Is the blame any easier when you know the person, disease, accident, illness that took your loved one away? We have no one else to blame, no named murderer here, just her...or us. Someone did it, right? Someone is to blame, after all there is someone missing now.
This is definitely a storm. Worse than any storm I've ever encountered.
    I discovered this past week that I may be slowly forgetting. I went to bunco and my friend's daughter came bouncing in toward the end of our night. So bubbly, so alive, so happy and playful with us..just like Sydni was. I could have sat and stared at her all night, the rest of my life even, just closed my eyes and listened to the ramblings of a beautiful teenage girl. Oh how I miss that. How could I forget how much life she brought to us?
   I won't lie, every single day for us is a struggle. We just go through the motions of the day, because that's all you can do. Still unable to clean her room anymore. Still can't look at pictures, listen to most music. I did make it to her grave to change out flowers for Christmas and to hang a couple ornaments. I saw where others had decorated for their loved ones; little Christmas picks and candy canes and such, but I just can't yet. Don't know if that's anger or guilt, but I'm just not there. When does this become easier? Maybe after the holidays? I seem to be forever making those kind of assumptions in these thoughts I write. If I can just get through "????" then it will ease up, but truth be told, it hasn't really worked yet. I feel so useless, of no great value in the big scheme of life. Lyn says he feels the same way.
I remember when I was younger that I would "make deals" with God. If He would make x, y or z happen, then I would know it was a sign from Him. Funny thing is, when it wasn't the sign I desired, I would try again, hoping to get MY way. I'm  not sure I believe in any "signs" anymore, maybe never did. Not sure I would get a "sign" from Sydni even if it was possible. I got a cocoa mug out the other night and had walked away, when I heard this clank from inside the cabinet. I went back to look and another, taller coffee mug had tipped over. I picked it up and on the outside it read "know that you are loved dearly and are prayed for every day." No lie. This really happened. My initial thought was it was Sydni sending me a message, but it took little time for me to discount it as just a cup that fell over and nothing more. I think I have just become so desperate to hear from someone that I will not.
18 weeks, 2 days...

Sunday
I went in Sydni's room this morning and bawled. Looked at the pictures on her wall and cried out. Today, I can't believe this is real. Today, I can not wrap my head and heart around the fact that I will never see her again...today.
Who am I anymore? Who have I become? What is my purpose in this world? Where is the meaning in all this pain and aching in our souls? I think the impending holiday is getting to me...today.

My SydniDrew, I don't know that I have anything to say today. I know you are happy and we are glad for that. We are sad and weak and lonely here. Please tell God we will keep going and praying and believing that things will get better, but if He could speed it up a bit, we wouldn't mind. We think of you every minute of every day. I hope now that you know how loved you were...by so many.
Megz gave me a tassel to put in your cedar chest cuz she got 2 for us! I know you are grateful, as am I. I hope you think of us sometimes.
Nee nuh noo Ninni <3

Thanksgiving

The trip up...
   There are moments, albeit very brief, and very few, that I can see God's love in my life. A text, or message, or gesture that comes at just the right time, and I am ever grateful! But for the most part of each of my days, I don't see, feel, hear God, or think that He hears my cries or pleas for help.
Today we are headed to Carthage, the place we go every year for Thanksgiving. I find myself feeling alone more than anything, and have been amped up and lashing out all day as we prepared to travel. I guess no one will do anything right in my eyes today.
I have been told by our counselor, and others, that I am very "black and white" and I am riding in the car trying to figure out what exactly that means, if it is the reason I sit here alone in the back seat this Thanksgiving, and if it is a bad thing that I am this way. Were too many expectations put on Sydni? Too many demands to tow the line? Is that not the duty of parents to encourage and promote and "expect" great things of them, and they of themselves? Was she of the age where it was no longer our job, our business, to steer her, to push her to stay the course of the goals that she had set for herself? Or were those goals mere mirages of what she thought we wanted, or wanted to hear? Maybe she didn't feel she could tell us that she didn't want to go to college or that she just couldn't be the "good girl" that we desired her to be. I didn't want her to leave me. We could have worked it all out if she would have communicated with us. There were times that I was disappointed with her actions, her choices and decisions, but I NEVER EVER stopped loving her.
And now, how do we parent Landon? Do we do something, or everything, different? Or did we do it right for the most part, and her death had nothing, or very little to do with us? How will we know? How do we keep this from happening a second time?
The trip home...
   If Thanksgiving is a prelim to what Christmas will be like, it will be harder than I first thought. We have endured 3 birthdays, including Sydni's, before this, and I thought Thanksgiving would feel like those, but it felt different. The absence of her felt more palpable. I was so looking forward to spending it with Lyn's family, who I adore, but I felt awkward, distant (by my own doing), and of course...lonely.
   I feel like a ping pong ball, hit in every different direction, feeling every different emotion there is to feel except happiness. I convince myself I need to let go, shut it down, stop thinking, but even now, she is my nearly every thought of every event however big or small. I have been told I need to somehow move forward, to stop letting myself be consumed by pain and sorrow. I want to. I pray to. But HOW I do that is unknown to me. How long is long enough? How long is too long? How do I do it? There are statistics that prove that we are certainly NOT the only ones to lose a child/sister to suicide. Looking at it from that vantage point does put it in perspective. But how do we let go of someone who meant so much to us, someone still in our home, someone we weren't even thru raising yet, someone so vibrant and ALIVE?!
I've got to figure something out.
   I think if I just get her room done, THEN I will be better, but I don't really know if that's true, and I haven't been able to go back in there for a while now. Maybe moving is what we need to do, but I think that that may not change anything either and then what?
These kind of questions, along with a MILLION other thoughts make up my days. I think I am just one messed up individual! But, I think Lyn, and even Landon to some extent, are right there with me.
Home now...
We are home now, and what I feel almost immediately is a rush of relief. Not relief from no longer being with family, but relief that we made it thru the first of 2 holidays that this family is dreading. It is always SO strange to me how quickly, so spontaneously my emotions can sway.
I received multiple texts and messages from wonderfully faithful friends today, and one texter in particular that I had been longing and waiting to hear from. For all that, I AM thankful. For Lyn's gracious and caring family and their comfort, I AM thankful. For my amazing husband and awesome son, I AM thankful. For this moment, for whatever reason, I am able to see past the UNthankful and let it be what it is. I wish this feeling in this moment would remain, but I know that it won't. But I am gonna stop typing, and just take time to try and somehow store this somewhere, and maybe, just maybe reference it again sometime in the near future. I feel a little fight left inside me tonight, a little life left inside me, and I am gonna stew in it. We loved and we lost, but WE LOVED!
The ending...
   We ended our Thanksgiving weekend with a trip to the cemetery on Sunday afternoon, just Lyn and I. I am saddened to say that I had not been to see her in almost a month, just haven't been able to go, and even as we pulled up, I felt that sick, wrenching tightness in my stomach as I sometimes do. Pain? Guilt? Sorrow? Longing? Not sure, but it's a real feeling, not as painful as when this all began, but it hurts.
   We were only there a few minutes before I spotted it...someone had thoughtfully and lovingly left a "Class of 2014" tassel for Sydni. I so appreciate the kindness of whomever left that for her! I felt the love behind it, but at the same time, it was too much. My daughter will never even graduate high school. How is this possible? I lost it. I couldn't even say goodbye to her.  Please know that I am thankful for it! It was just hard to see, but very very much appreciated!
   I have been so impressed by our youth of today, aka her friends and classmates. We have had just as many young people reach out to our family as we have adults. It speaks volumes as to the character you all possess. What a comfort to us you guys have been, as I know that Sydni will not be forgotten.
   I apologize that Sydni's cell number has been given to someone else already. I honestly just didn't think about it. Please know that you can still leave her private FB messages. I do not have or know her password, so they will remain between the two of you.

My dearest SydniDrew. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving up there with Jesus and the gang. Hope you are eating well, keeping your room clean, and your laundry done ;) We miss you and I am sorry I haven't been to see you much. It's just really hard sometimes to keep saying goodbye to you. Landon got your lava lamp and put it in his room. He thinks it's the most fascinating thing EVER! And I gave Margaux "Jacob" cuz...well you know why. We had a nice visit with her and Madison, and she looked cute carrying him out the door. He's gonna go hang out with her and "Justin" for a while :))

What should have been is not what is.

   It seems like so much has happened since my last post, yet everything remains the same...my daughter is not here, our family is still broken, and I am still struggling to begin each day. What should have been, is not what is anymore.
I have been depressed the last couple of days, like the kind where you don't want to get out of bed or try, try to do life. It seems more than sadness, more than grief or anger or wonder. I just don't care right now. I feel like I am just wandering through this life, with no purpose, no hope, nothing to look forward to...just don't care. I feel expendable, of non importance, and I wonder if this is how Sydni felt in those final hours of her precious life. 
   I went to Canton a few weeks ago. I saw so many mommy/daughters, so many little girls running around in their tutu's and big bows, just like my little girl. I stood behind one teen in line to buy something, and her hair, the back of her head, looked so much like Sydni. I had the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch her, even hug her from behind. Oh God, how I miss her. I want to feel her, hear her, tell her I love her. PLEASE someone make that happen for me..anyone. I need her back. It's been long enough. Have I not been punished enough now? I promise I would do better, be better...whatever it takes Lord. 
   I have begun to clean out her room. I have to. I don't want to, but I need to. I started 2 weeks ago actually, but haven't been going in there for the past week or so. I am having some kind of emotional block that won't allow me to. I will wait...and hope that this passes. I ponder over every detail, every piece of clothing, every scrap of paper, right down to her toothbrush and hairbrush. It is so beyond extremely hard, but it's my duty, I feel. No one can do it but me. I'm her mother. I have tried to pick out things for her close friends, things that I hope and pray can give them some kind of comfort when seeing or touching or even wearing them, but things that are personal just for them. If there is something special you would like, please let me know, and I will do my best to oblige.
I have succeeded in washing my daughter's clothes for the very last time, again, paying the utmost attention to every detail of them. It is so terribly hard pulling your child's clothes from the dryer and knowing that that is the last time, ever, you will experience that. Weird right, to think of laundry like that?! But it is my reality. 
   Landon is struggling, and lashing out at times. I won't go into specifics, as they are his feelings and thoughts, and not mine to tell, but he has said some hurtful things, things that he may or may not truly believe, but that let Lyn and I know that he is hurting deeply over the loss of his sister, his YaYa. He continues to struggle with sports as well, and is certainly heartbreaking for Lyn and I as parents. Selfishly, we would like him to play because we derive some enjoyment and maybe even a glimpse of happiness from watching him perform, but unselfishly, we know that he loved sports before this and want him to be okay and enjoy the things that he loved so much again. I worry for him. I worry that something bad will now happen to him too. I have lost all confidence in myself as a parent. I pray he will be alright again soon. I pray he will.
   Lyn is our rock, our savior thru all this. He is a wonderful, caring and giving man, but I know I am wearing thin on him as I openly grieve everyday. He hurts. And I'm not sure that he is able to grieve as he needs to because of me and Landon. I try to be there for him, but it always goes back to him caring for us and our needs. It makes me want to retreat, to hide my feelings, to not share, but I'm not built that way, so it becomes a battle for me being so sad and then me not hardly speaking. Nothing but nothing is right here anymore.
   Acceptance is what I need, in all aspects of this new journey. I want/need acceptance from my peers. There is nothing worse than feeling shameful after someone walks by you and stares, or walks by you and purposely avoids you. It hurts. And it just seems to validate what we, as parents of suicide feel inside, that we MUST have been bad parents. I can tell you there are more days than not that I feel like a loser, a failure, and yes...a bad parent.
I will say tho, that having experienced the above, I have also experienced friendships that I will NEVER forget. I been been blessed to feel love coming at me from all different directions, and have felt acceptance. I tear up at writing this, because it is so necessary, so essential, for carrying on, as I must. 
Acceptance also means that I must accept that Sydni may not have liked me when she died, but I have to stop worrying about what she thought of me. I loved her, that's all I know, and that's all that matters. If I can move passed whatever I think she felt about me and just focus on my love for her, I will be better. It doesn't matter what she thought or felt, I loved her, and I can't let Satan take that from me. 
   I tell myself lately that she made a mistake. She made a terrible mistake, either not trusting in God, not believing in our love for her, not thinking clearly that things will ALWAYS get better, just a mistake. It doesn't stick with me very long, as I always return to guilt, but I do like the way it sounds. It was just a moment of error, of miscalculation on her part. This mistake just has permanent consequences for all of us. Please think on this if you ever find yourself in a position to do something hurtful to yourself, please.

"This is the victory that conquers the world...our faith." I John 5:4

   My beautiful SydniDrew. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been too sad. I was not able to make it to the baby shower, but I got a good gift I think you would approve of. I know you are happy and well and I hope you think of us sometimes. I think about you ALL of my waking moments still. If you want to reach me in a dream or something and let me know you are there, I would really love that. Maybe you could ask God to let you come back now?! Just sayin'...but I know. I miss you more than I have heartbeats for.  <3 Mom

Three steps forward...and a hundred back.

   I am angry today. I am angry with Sydni. I am angry that we have no happiness, angry that we find it hard to live in our home, angry that I am so lonely without you here. I am tired of the shame and the guilt and the confusion and the questions, but above all, I'm sick of the emptiness in my heart. 
   I still remain in awe of how the smallest of things can be a trigger for a change in emotion. One minute, literally, you think you have yourself under control, and the next minute you're just...broken. I find a picture in my closet, cry sitting there, and it stirs all these memories and promises and...what should have been. I want to blog about it, share with anyone who will read, how truly amazing you were to us, how much joy you brought into our lives; and then I can go somewhere, see something that reminds what we've lost, and my feelings turn. 
   Grief is a horrible word. A word with no boundaries as to where the hurt and pain begins and ends, no rules as to how it will effect you, where it will lead you from day to day, or worst of all, how long it will last. Grief is unique to each person that shares in it, and gives you your own burden to bear. It sucks really. One day you're sad, one day you're mad, some days you feel defiant, and some days you just don't want to go on. Grief = depression I think.
   I'm mad that I can sit in a group of mourners and still feel so totally alone. Last night, people talked about watching videos of their loved ones. They pulled out their phones to share pictures of them. I sobbed. I couldn't. It's just too painful! The others in my group had loved ones die from accidents, but not me. One person has put t-shirts of the loved one in a drawer for her kids to wear to bed, like a hug. How awesome! I barely spoke last night. 
   Am I taking this too personally? Do I need to "suck it up?" I'm mad because my seemingly normal life, filled with drama, and normal ups and downs, has been taken. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm mad that we are now needing to see, not just one medical professional, but TWO counselors, just to try to somehow "fix" ourselves into people that can function. And then I'm mad...that I'm mad!! Just two days ago I was blogging about how wonderful Sydni was, and now I'm back to being mad!? Maybe I am going "mad!" 
   I am angry that Sydni did this, of her own free will, and not the will of God. Satan destroyed her and has taken nearly everything from us. I am so bitter today! 
   I have made the comment to Lyn that everyone I love eventually leaves; Sydni was no exception. 

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you." Jeremiah 1:5

Our stories have become intermingled yours and mine. Mine a lifetime of longing to be loved; yours a lifetime of being loved and perhaps not realizing it. Did I ask too much of you, expect too much? Why would you do this Sydni? Why would you hurt us like this? Not just your family, but your friends; your faithful, sweet friends who text me in sorrow, or come by to offer encouragement. You had AMAZING friends, an amazing life ahead of you. I am SO grateful for all of them. It comforts me to hear from them or to see them. Amber misses you and is heartbroken. I miss you SydniDrew and I'm scared. I'm afraid to lose you.

A Beautiful Life

To my sweet, funny, talented and special daughter. I dedicate this blog

to you, my beautiful SydniDrew.

   I have loved you since before you were born. I have watched you while you slept; both in life and in death, picked you up when you fell, wiped your tears when you cried, smiled with joy at the sound of your infectious giggle, and marveled at your accomplishments. I have watched countless tea parties with your wonderfully attentive daddy, remembered the most beautiful makeovers on both of us :) and video'd you dancing around the coffee table at least 1000 times. You were the apple of your daddy's eye, and the purest, deepest love I had ever known. You were our beloved, our first born <3
   You loved your electric swing and Shania Twain music! We could put you in the swing crying, and the moment you heard the music, you would stop. It was crazy! It was wonderful! It was all you. You loved Barney, bike rides with mom and dad, trips to Blockbuster in your little car, dance, gymnastics, and all things girl. You were, at times, insecure, like girls can be, afraid to sleepover at anyone's house for the longest, and always, always, carrying your "blankie" that your dear Grammie crocheted for you when you were born...we still have a piece of blankie, tucked away inside my pillowcase for safekeeping.
   Your presence is EVERYWHERE; in our home we shared, in every place we go, in everything we do, and every choice we make. You're on our minds CONSTANTLY, like a favorite song on repeat. Some people, even myself sometimes, think we will move, but I want to try, I want to overcome death. My love for you is stronger than any hold death can have on me! It is almost in defiance of what Satan has stolen from us, that I want to show, that our love, your dad's, bubby's and mine, can overcome what has been lost to us. It was your home, our home together, and there are greater, far more wonderful memories there than the one day in time that for now, has robbed us of all happiness. We picked that house especially for you and Landon, paying attention to the most minute details of how our lives would play out there. It was "the one." It was for you. Everything was for you, and Landon. I just wish somehow you could have seen that, would have seen how special you were to us, how important you were to this family. You completed our circle of four. You will always be here tho, no matter where we go. We were the Lewis4...and we ARE the Lewis4. Nothing will change that, not even death's evil hand.


SydniDrew, what I want, is what I strived for all along...to be a mom that you could be proud of; to be someone you would want to emulate one day as a mother yourself. I pray you approve. I pray He approves.
I sure wish you would hurry up and get Steve Jobs to make a phone or app that works from up there! I sure could use one of your special "guess what mommy" texts about now :(  ALL my love to you Peanut <3

Forgiveness

   Everyone keeps saying that I'm doing better, that I'm so strong, so why can I not see it? I cry out to God. I pray for peace, for grace, for relief, for comfort, for something, but feel my prayers and pleas seemingly go unanswered. I feel sometimes that He even kicks me while I'm down. Is He even there? Is He real? Does He care? Maybe I'm just having an extra bad day, but I'm growing tired of these days. I write these blogs, but really they are just my public journals. I'm even questioning why I am/would publicly write about all that I feel. Do I honestly think that writing this is going to help someone not take their life? If someone wants to go, they will go. Sydni did. She did something that I cannot fix for her this time. I could not help her with this one because she didn't ask, tell or want me to, and I will never understand why. What I "crave," what I NEED is forgiveness, from someone who is unable to give that to me anymore, even if they wanted to. THIS is what I have to come to terms with, because she won't be coming back. I have to give it to God, and somehow figure a way to forgive myself.
   Lyn says it is just going to take a long time to heal. That it hurts SO BAD because we loved her SO MUCH...THAT much! I agree with him. My husband, SydniDrew's daddy, is so amazing.
   He shared a dream he had about her last night. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing it. He said he couldn't remember what all she said, but she stood on the couch and looked up as she talked to him. We were both sitting on the couch and he stroked her leg and told her how beautiful she looked, while I cried. He only remembers her saying that she had to go, and that she kissed me on the head. Oh how I wish she would talk to me. How I long to see her.
If you're reading this and are in a bad place in your life, I encourage you to talk about it with someone...anyone. Don't let it ever get to the point where you are about to check out. Life WILL get better! Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't leave us. You ARE loved <3


SydniDrew I love you. Please forgive me for not being the best parent. Please forgive me for not saving you. Please forgive me for being hurt and angry. I would love for you to come to me in a dream; to tell me anything you want, to kiss my head and feel it.
I saw Rahnee today, and she looks amazing. She is going to be a wonderful mom. I got invited to her shower. I wish you could come with me.
Daddy and Landon love you, and miss you. Dad cries more now. Landon wants his YaYa. We are hurting here without you. Don't forget us.
Love, mom

Where can I go?

   I have decided that you will do whatever it takes. whatever the cost. to avoid the painful.
   As I have shared, I do not look at pictures, reminders of how beautiful, and happy, the one we lost was, or listen to music that Syd and I used to have SO much fun jamming to together, and I don't dare go in her room, the unsafe place for me. In keeping with these things, we have decided to leave for Christmas. We have endured three birthdays since this happened, hers, mine, and Landon's. Thanksgiving might not be too bad, but I am sure it will come with its own reminders and sadness, but Christmas...that's gonna be a tough one. We have decided on Colorado to "get away" from it all. Landon has never ski'd and Lyn, Sydni and I only once, when she was very small. It will require another loan to pay for it, but what else can you do when you can't deal with the void? I have very mixed emotions about going, leaving our grieving, extended families behind, but at the same time, relieved that we won't spoil everyone's celebrations and fun. More than that tho, we will be leaving without our Sydni. It just seems so unnatural to go away without her. I feel like I'm betraying her. I feel sadness. I feel guilt.
   Guilt, that word, that feeling, that "thing" that has me in its grip almost every second of every day. I pray for it to leave me alone.
   There are many weird feelings that have taken over, and I'm not sure if it is because of "suicide." I can look at pictures in my house, that were there before, but not anything on FB beyond what stares at me when I post. I can't look at Instagram, Twitter, or the millions of pics on my computer, but then love seeing a picture or profile pic that a friend may have posted. As if these confusing, conflicting thoughts weren't enough , Sydni's "stuff" is just as complicated, if not more, to me. I went to Women of Joy, my first trip away from her, from my family, and was unsure if it was appropriate for me to use her suitcase (cuz she is the only one with anything nice lOl). I didn't use it. Then there was her necklace, one that was given back to us that she had been wearing. I had noticed that it had a tiny bit of blood on it when it was returned, and refused to wash it off, the last little bit of her that remained. I had left it, for almost 2 months, hanging on a picture of her in my bathroom, longing to put it on just to feel closer to her, to have something of her with me, to somehow bond with her again. I put it on to wear when I left for my trip, and still have it on. But I have so many moments, too many, where I think she would NOT want me wearing it...that she was mad at me, that she didn't like me when she died, and therefore doesn't want anything more to do with me. Like I feel physically sick to my stomach to think about it. Weird right?! Is this what suicide has done for me, to me?! There are other things too...her clothes that we used to share, her furniture in her room. Just certain things that are triggers for me, that I just can't figure out what to do with.
   I wish I knew if she loved me, that she was okay, that she was okay with me and how I am handling life without her. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT! I pray it leaves me someday, someday soon.


I hope and pray you know how much you were loved by me SydniDrew. There is a hole in my heart since you left, and it will never be filled. I learned at the conference that I can't make YOU my goal for Heaven, but let my focus be on God. I am not there yet. For now, it is just you I want to be with. I hope He understands and forgives me. All my love..forever <3

The struggles of my head and heart.

   The thing about suicide is that you are left to your own conclusions, at least for me. There were no real warning signs, no red flags, no cries for help, no note to the reason why. Only events that I describe as "teachable moments." Yes, she was on Prozac, but for what I believed was impulsivity and anxiety control. I hear the word depression and almost cringe, and I don't know why. Is it because that makes me feel more responsible, guilty? That I didn't get her the help she needed? I just never thought of my daughter as having depression. She never ever told me she wanted to hurt herself or die. Of course, she did go through lows as we all do, not making cheer, break-ups, getting in trouble, but nothing that indicated to me that she lived with depression. She wasn't someone who was reclusive or sad and mopey or introverted. She was vibrant and loving and loud and silly...and I thought happy, for the most part. Is that ME, not seeing the signs...making excuses for what I should have known? Am I in denial? Am I ashamed? Why can I not just say or accept that she had depression? It just doesn't fit for me, and I don't know why! I have been depressed. I AM depressed, but I don't know that I think I suffer from depression. I guess I believe that we all, at times in our lives, go through things that make us sad, and lonely, and maybe even make us not want to be here anymore, but those are thoughts. You also know that you will get through it, that you have to just keep plugging along, trust in God, and know there WILL be a brighter day, if not tomorrow, someday!
   This is the kind of rambling and confusion that goes on in my head hourly, daily.
   I hope and pray that I have not offended anyone with this. This is just my journey, nothing more. I am not attempting to belittle or downplay anyone's beliefs or feelings on this issue. I have friends, family that suffer with depression. I am just sharing with those who choose to read, what is going on inside my head and my heart, and the struggle of losing my baby girl. I do believe that in those final hours, and possibly in those last few days, that Sydni was depressed. I don't know if it was an accumulation of things or one particular thing. She got grounded from her car and phone the night before it happened. I may never know what else played it's fatal song inside her head to make her take her life, but I do know that if anyone else thinks that their life is worth taking over any of the things I have mentioned...it's NOT true! You CAN and WILL get through what is happening, I promise it! God promises it! Don't let Satan tell you life is not worth living. He is a liar and a thief. You are precious to those around you. They NEED YOU HERE. Don't be afraid to share with someone what you are feeling. The people that love you would want nothing more than to help you, no matter what is going on between you, even those who are maybe not that close! Just share with one person...just one could make all the difference in your life. I have no answers to everything, to anything, but I will talk with you!

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5, 6-7

   I miss you so desperately SydniDrew. I wish I had another chance to relive that day. Please help me, help someone. I'm nervous to write these. I'm just so sad here without you.

  I'm not really sure where to start here. Where does one begin, to tell the story of incredible, indescribable loss, and immeasurable love? I certainly, at this point, have no great wisdom, no answers as to why. I have been left here to deal with the gaping hole in my heart, the space that will undoubtedly remain unfulfilled, until I reach my true home, where God is...where my Sydni is...where my whys will be answered and its purpose revealed, but until then, I remain.
  My purpose in sharing this blog is in hopes that, thru my journey, I might, and Sydni might, be able to help someone. That is what we would both want. Ohhh how I love her, how I miss her eyes, her smile, her soft hands in mine, her silliness, her love. Just 16, with so much of life ahead. What happened Syd?
  I have been frozen in time for 7 weeks and 5 days. There have been days that it has seemed that I could go on no longer. I am sure there will be many more of these to come. I now know the sting of suicide, and the heavy load it has laid on me as I question myself as a parent and a person. She was under our care, our protection. That was God's call to us, be we failed. I failed. I was the closest to and didn't know. How do I live with that? How do I move forward when i want so desperately to hold on to the past? It's all I have left of her. I have no future with her, not in this life. There is nothing I want but to have her back, to hug and talk with her, to kiss and snuggle with her, to just be in her presence.
If only...
  I can't bare to look at pictures yet, can't listen to most music, and don't dare peek at her Facebook page or Instagram. I don't know why these are so painful when all i want to do is stare at her and remember the wonderful moments in her life, of our lives together. For now, all i remember are the hard times. She haunts me, and i believe it's because of the way she left us, the ugliest of ways, with a lifetime of confusion and guilt left behind. I am not mad at her, but i feel hurt. I feel tremendous, overwhelming guilt and sadness. I feel betrayed. My heart breaks for my son, who deserved none of this, who only loves his YaYa and wants her back. My heart aches for my husband, who mourns so deeply the loss of his baby girl. We just don't understand Sydni. No one saw it coming.