Three steps forward...and a hundred back.

   I am angry today. I am angry with Sydni. I am angry that we have no happiness, angry that we find it hard to live in our home, angry that I am so lonely without you here. I am tired of the shame and the guilt and the confusion and the questions, but above all, I'm sick of the emptiness in my heart. 
   I still remain in awe of how the smallest of things can be a trigger for a change in emotion. One minute, literally, you think you have yourself under control, and the next minute you're just...broken. I find a picture in my closet, cry sitting there, and it stirs all these memories and promises and...what should have been. I want to blog about it, share with anyone who will read, how truly amazing you were to us, how much joy you brought into our lives; and then I can go somewhere, see something that reminds what we've lost, and my feelings turn. 
   Grief is a horrible word. A word with no boundaries as to where the hurt and pain begins and ends, no rules as to how it will effect you, where it will lead you from day to day, or worst of all, how long it will last. Grief is unique to each person that shares in it, and gives you your own burden to bear. It sucks really. One day you're sad, one day you're mad, some days you feel defiant, and some days you just don't want to go on. Grief = depression I think.
   I'm mad that I can sit in a group of mourners and still feel so totally alone. Last night, people talked about watching videos of their loved ones. They pulled out their phones to share pictures of them. I sobbed. I couldn't. It's just too painful! The others in my group had loved ones die from accidents, but not me. One person has put t-shirts of the loved one in a drawer for her kids to wear to bed, like a hug. How awesome! I barely spoke last night. 
   Am I taking this too personally? Do I need to "suck it up?" I'm mad because my seemingly normal life, filled with drama, and normal ups and downs, has been taken. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm mad that we are now needing to see, not just one medical professional, but TWO counselors, just to try to somehow "fix" ourselves into people that can function. And then I'm mad...that I'm mad!! Just two days ago I was blogging about how wonderful Sydni was, and now I'm back to being mad!? Maybe I am going "mad!" 
   I am angry that Sydni did this, of her own free will, and not the will of God. Satan destroyed her and has taken nearly everything from us. I am so bitter today! 
   I have made the comment to Lyn that everyone I love eventually leaves; Sydni was no exception. 

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you." Jeremiah 1:5

Our stories have become intermingled yours and mine. Mine a lifetime of longing to be loved; yours a lifetime of being loved and perhaps not realizing it. Did I ask too much of you, expect too much? Why would you do this Sydni? Why would you hurt us like this? Not just your family, but your friends; your faithful, sweet friends who text me in sorrow, or come by to offer encouragement. You had AMAZING friends, an amazing life ahead of you. I am SO grateful for all of them. It comforts me to hear from them or to see them. Amber misses you and is heartbroken. I miss you SydniDrew and I'm scared. I'm afraid to lose you.