Three steps forward...and a hundred back.

   I am angry today. I am angry with Sydni. I am angry that we have no happiness, angry that we find it hard to live in our home, angry that I am so lonely without you here. I am tired of the shame and the guilt and the confusion and the questions, but above all, I'm sick of the emptiness in my heart. 
   I still remain in awe of how the smallest of things can be a trigger for a change in emotion. One minute, literally, you think you have yourself under control, and the next minute you're just...broken. I find a picture in my closet, cry sitting there, and it stirs all these memories and promises and...what should have been. I want to blog about it, share with anyone who will read, how truly amazing you were to us, how much joy you brought into our lives; and then I can go somewhere, see something that reminds what we've lost, and my feelings turn. 
   Grief is a horrible word. A word with no boundaries as to where the hurt and pain begins and ends, no rules as to how it will effect you, where it will lead you from day to day, or worst of all, how long it will last. Grief is unique to each person that shares in it, and gives you your own burden to bear. It sucks really. One day you're sad, one day you're mad, some days you feel defiant, and some days you just don't want to go on. Grief = depression I think.
   I'm mad that I can sit in a group of mourners and still feel so totally alone. Last night, people talked about watching videos of their loved ones. They pulled out their phones to share pictures of them. I sobbed. I couldn't. It's just too painful! The others in my group had loved ones die from accidents, but not me. One person has put t-shirts of the loved one in a drawer for her kids to wear to bed, like a hug. How awesome! I barely spoke last night. 
   Am I taking this too personally? Do I need to "suck it up?" I'm mad because my seemingly normal life, filled with drama, and normal ups and downs, has been taken. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm mad that we are now needing to see, not just one medical professional, but TWO counselors, just to try to somehow "fix" ourselves into people that can function. And then I'm mad...that I'm mad!! Just two days ago I was blogging about how wonderful Sydni was, and now I'm back to being mad!? Maybe I am going "mad!" 
   I am angry that Sydni did this, of her own free will, and not the will of God. Satan destroyed her and has taken nearly everything from us. I am so bitter today! 
   I have made the comment to Lyn that everyone I love eventually leaves; Sydni was no exception. 

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you." Jeremiah 1:5

Our stories have become intermingled yours and mine. Mine a lifetime of longing to be loved; yours a lifetime of being loved and perhaps not realizing it. Did I ask too much of you, expect too much? Why would you do this Sydni? Why would you hurt us like this? Not just your family, but your friends; your faithful, sweet friends who text me in sorrow, or come by to offer encouragement. You had AMAZING friends, an amazing life ahead of you. I am SO grateful for all of them. It comforts me to hear from them or to see them. Amber misses you and is heartbroken. I miss you SydniDrew and I'm scared. I'm afraid to lose you.

A Beautiful Life

To my sweet, funny, talented and special daughter. I dedicate this blog

to you, my beautiful SydniDrew.

   I have loved you since before you were born. I have watched you while you slept; both in life and in death, picked you up when you fell, wiped your tears when you cried, smiled with joy at the sound of your infectious giggle, and marveled at your accomplishments. I have watched countless tea parties with your wonderfully attentive daddy, remembered the most beautiful makeovers on both of us :) and video'd you dancing around the coffee table at least 1000 times. You were the apple of your daddy's eye, and the purest, deepest love I had ever known. You were our beloved, our first born <3
   You loved your electric swing and Shania Twain music! We could put you in the swing crying, and the moment you heard the music, you would stop. It was crazy! It was wonderful! It was all you. You loved Barney, bike rides with mom and dad, trips to Blockbuster in your little car, dance, gymnastics, and all things girl. You were, at times, insecure, like girls can be, afraid to sleepover at anyone's house for the longest, and always, always, carrying your "blankie" that your dear Grammie crocheted for you when you were born...we still have a piece of blankie, tucked away inside my pillowcase for safekeeping.
   Your presence is EVERYWHERE; in our home we shared, in every place we go, in everything we do, and every choice we make. You're on our minds CONSTANTLY, like a favorite song on repeat. Some people, even myself sometimes, think we will move, but I want to try, I want to overcome death. My love for you is stronger than any hold death can have on me! It is almost in defiance of what Satan has stolen from us, that I want to show, that our love, your dad's, bubby's and mine, can overcome what has been lost to us. It was your home, our home together, and there are greater, far more wonderful memories there than the one day in time that for now, has robbed us of all happiness. We picked that house especially for you and Landon, paying attention to the most minute details of how our lives would play out there. It was "the one." It was for you. Everything was for you, and Landon. I just wish somehow you could have seen that, would have seen how special you were to us, how important you were to this family. You completed our circle of four. You will always be here tho, no matter where we go. We were the Lewis4...and we ARE the Lewis4. Nothing will change that, not even death's evil hand.


SydniDrew, what I want, is what I strived for all along...to be a mom that you could be proud of; to be someone you would want to emulate one day as a mother yourself. I pray you approve. I pray He approves.
I sure wish you would hurry up and get Steve Jobs to make a phone or app that works from up there! I sure could use one of your special "guess what mommy" texts about now :(  ALL my love to you Peanut <3

Forgiveness

   Everyone keeps saying that I'm doing better, that I'm so strong, so why can I not see it? I cry out to God. I pray for peace, for grace, for relief, for comfort, for something, but feel my prayers and pleas seemingly go unanswered. I feel sometimes that He even kicks me while I'm down. Is He even there? Is He real? Does He care? Maybe I'm just having an extra bad day, but I'm growing tired of these days. I write these blogs, but really they are just my public journals. I'm even questioning why I am/would publicly write about all that I feel. Do I honestly think that writing this is going to help someone not take their life? If someone wants to go, they will go. Sydni did. She did something that I cannot fix for her this time. I could not help her with this one because she didn't ask, tell or want me to, and I will never understand why. What I "crave," what I NEED is forgiveness, from someone who is unable to give that to me anymore, even if they wanted to. THIS is what I have to come to terms with, because she won't be coming back. I have to give it to God, and somehow figure a way to forgive myself.
   Lyn says it is just going to take a long time to heal. That it hurts SO BAD because we loved her SO MUCH...THAT much! I agree with him. My husband, SydniDrew's daddy, is so amazing.
   He shared a dream he had about her last night. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing it. He said he couldn't remember what all she said, but she stood on the couch and looked up as she talked to him. We were both sitting on the couch and he stroked her leg and told her how beautiful she looked, while I cried. He only remembers her saying that she had to go, and that she kissed me on the head. Oh how I wish she would talk to me. How I long to see her.
If you're reading this and are in a bad place in your life, I encourage you to talk about it with someone...anyone. Don't let it ever get to the point where you are about to check out. Life WILL get better! Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't leave us. You ARE loved <3


SydniDrew I love you. Please forgive me for not being the best parent. Please forgive me for not saving you. Please forgive me for being hurt and angry. I would love for you to come to me in a dream; to tell me anything you want, to kiss my head and feel it.
I saw Rahnee today, and she looks amazing. She is going to be a wonderful mom. I got invited to her shower. I wish you could come with me.
Daddy and Landon love you, and miss you. Dad cries more now. Landon wants his YaYa. We are hurting here without you. Don't forget us.
Love, mom

Where can I go?

   I have decided that you will do whatever it takes. whatever the cost. to avoid the painful.
   As I have shared, I do not look at pictures, reminders of how beautiful, and happy, the one we lost was, or listen to music that Syd and I used to have SO much fun jamming to together, and I don't dare go in her room, the unsafe place for me. In keeping with these things, we have decided to leave for Christmas. We have endured three birthdays since this happened, hers, mine, and Landon's. Thanksgiving might not be too bad, but I am sure it will come with its own reminders and sadness, but Christmas...that's gonna be a tough one. We have decided on Colorado to "get away" from it all. Landon has never ski'd and Lyn, Sydni and I only once, when she was very small. It will require another loan to pay for it, but what else can you do when you can't deal with the void? I have very mixed emotions about going, leaving our grieving, extended families behind, but at the same time, relieved that we won't spoil everyone's celebrations and fun. More than that tho, we will be leaving without our Sydni. It just seems so unnatural to go away without her. I feel like I'm betraying her. I feel sadness. I feel guilt.
   Guilt, that word, that feeling, that "thing" that has me in its grip almost every second of every day. I pray for it to leave me alone.
   There are many weird feelings that have taken over, and I'm not sure if it is because of "suicide." I can look at pictures in my house, that were there before, but not anything on FB beyond what stares at me when I post. I can't look at Instagram, Twitter, or the millions of pics on my computer, but then love seeing a picture or profile pic that a friend may have posted. As if these confusing, conflicting thoughts weren't enough , Sydni's "stuff" is just as complicated, if not more, to me. I went to Women of Joy, my first trip away from her, from my family, and was unsure if it was appropriate for me to use her suitcase (cuz she is the only one with anything nice lOl). I didn't use it. Then there was her necklace, one that was given back to us that she had been wearing. I had noticed that it had a tiny bit of blood on it when it was returned, and refused to wash it off, the last little bit of her that remained. I had left it, for almost 2 months, hanging on a picture of her in my bathroom, longing to put it on just to feel closer to her, to have something of her with me, to somehow bond with her again. I put it on to wear when I left for my trip, and still have it on. But I have so many moments, too many, where I think she would NOT want me wearing it...that she was mad at me, that she didn't like me when she died, and therefore doesn't want anything more to do with me. Like I feel physically sick to my stomach to think about it. Weird right?! Is this what suicide has done for me, to me?! There are other things too...her clothes that we used to share, her furniture in her room. Just certain things that are triggers for me, that I just can't figure out what to do with.
   I wish I knew if she loved me, that she was okay, that she was okay with me and how I am handling life without her. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT! I pray it leaves me someday, someday soon.


I hope and pray you know how much you were loved by me SydniDrew. There is a hole in my heart since you left, and it will never be filled. I learned at the conference that I can't make YOU my goal for Heaven, but let my focus be on God. I am not there yet. For now, it is just you I want to be with. I hope He understands and forgives me. All my love..forever <3

The struggles of my head and heart.

   The thing about suicide is that you are left to your own conclusions, at least for me. There were no real warning signs, no red flags, no cries for help, no note to the reason why. Only events that I describe as "teachable moments." Yes, she was on Prozac, but for what I believed was impulsivity and anxiety control. I hear the word depression and almost cringe, and I don't know why. Is it because that makes me feel more responsible, guilty? That I didn't get her the help she needed? I just never thought of my daughter as having depression. She never ever told me she wanted to hurt herself or die. Of course, she did go through lows as we all do, not making cheer, break-ups, getting in trouble, but nothing that indicated to me that she lived with depression. She wasn't someone who was reclusive or sad and mopey or introverted. She was vibrant and loving and loud and silly...and I thought happy, for the most part. Is that ME, not seeing the signs...making excuses for what I should have known? Am I in denial? Am I ashamed? Why can I not just say or accept that she had depression? It just doesn't fit for me, and I don't know why! I have been depressed. I AM depressed, but I don't know that I think I suffer from depression. I guess I believe that we all, at times in our lives, go through things that make us sad, and lonely, and maybe even make us not want to be here anymore, but those are thoughts. You also know that you will get through it, that you have to just keep plugging along, trust in God, and know there WILL be a brighter day, if not tomorrow, someday!
   This is the kind of rambling and confusion that goes on in my head hourly, daily.
   I hope and pray that I have not offended anyone with this. This is just my journey, nothing more. I am not attempting to belittle or downplay anyone's beliefs or feelings on this issue. I have friends, family that suffer with depression. I am just sharing with those who choose to read, what is going on inside my head and my heart, and the struggle of losing my baby girl. I do believe that in those final hours, and possibly in those last few days, that Sydni was depressed. I don't know if it was an accumulation of things or one particular thing. She got grounded from her car and phone the night before it happened. I may never know what else played it's fatal song inside her head to make her take her life, but I do know that if anyone else thinks that their life is worth taking over any of the things I have mentioned...it's NOT true! You CAN and WILL get through what is happening, I promise it! God promises it! Don't let Satan tell you life is not worth living. He is a liar and a thief. You are precious to those around you. They NEED YOU HERE. Don't be afraid to share with someone what you are feeling. The people that love you would want nothing more than to help you, no matter what is going on between you, even those who are maybe not that close! Just share with one person...just one could make all the difference in your life. I have no answers to everything, to anything, but I will talk with you!

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5, 6-7

   I miss you so desperately SydniDrew. I wish I had another chance to relive that day. Please help me, help someone. I'm nervous to write these. I'm just so sad here without you.

  I'm not really sure where to start here. Where does one begin, to tell the story of incredible, indescribable loss, and immeasurable love? I certainly, at this point, have no great wisdom, no answers as to why. I have been left here to deal with the gaping hole in my heart, the space that will undoubtedly remain unfulfilled, until I reach my true home, where God is...where my Sydni is...where my whys will be answered and its purpose revealed, but until then, I remain.
  My purpose in sharing this blog is in hopes that, thru my journey, I might, and Sydni might, be able to help someone. That is what we would both want. Ohhh how I love her, how I miss her eyes, her smile, her soft hands in mine, her silliness, her love. Just 16, with so much of life ahead. What happened Syd?
  I have been frozen in time for 7 weeks and 5 days. There have been days that it has seemed that I could go on no longer. I am sure there will be many more of these to come. I now know the sting of suicide, and the heavy load it has laid on me as I question myself as a parent and a person. She was under our care, our protection. That was God's call to us, be we failed. I failed. I was the closest to and didn't know. How do I live with that? How do I move forward when i want so desperately to hold on to the past? It's all I have left of her. I have no future with her, not in this life. There is nothing I want but to have her back, to hug and talk with her, to kiss and snuggle with her, to just be in her presence.
If only...
  I can't bare to look at pictures yet, can't listen to most music, and don't dare peek at her Facebook page or Instagram. I don't know why these are so painful when all i want to do is stare at her and remember the wonderful moments in her life, of our lives together. For now, all i remember are the hard times. She haunts me, and i believe it's because of the way she left us, the ugliest of ways, with a lifetime of confusion and guilt left behind. I am not mad at her, but i feel hurt. I feel tremendous, overwhelming guilt and sadness. I feel betrayed. My heart breaks for my son, who deserved none of this, who only loves his YaYa and wants her back. My heart aches for my husband, who mourns so deeply the loss of his baby girl. We just don't understand Sydni. No one saw it coming.