I miss everything about you

  

    "Table for how many?" That's what the ask you at a restaurant. Sometimes I have to "make" myself say "just three." It doesn't feel right, or normal. It is one of the times that you truly feel...and SEE the empty, as you sit at a table made for 4, where there are now, only 3  :*(   don't know that I will ever get used to it.     
   The smallest of things remind me of Sydni. EVERY little thing reminds me of her. Standing at my bathroom sink, hearing the toilet upstairs flush, washing a towel that she used to use, cutting her dad's hair, using a bobby pin she lent to me, just everything. When I'm reading a book with Landon, I can always find some parallel to what we are going thru. Even when I play a silly game of Candy Crush it can relate to Sydni! If I'm running out of moves and I know I can't win, I think, God wouldn't want me to quit. If I finally win a level that I've been playing for 100 times I think, God rewards those who keep trying, it just takes awhile sometimes. How can I give up, when I want so badly for Sydni not to have given up? It's all relatable for me, everything I do, see, feel, smell, it all revolves around her.
   We ALL have our story, an adversity that we have had to deal with. True, some are bigger or darker than others, but we all have hurts of some kind. But what if you soldier through, march on, and share with even one person? What if you could make a difference? Sometimes it's all you can do with your sorrow and pains, the sharing, but maybe that's what you're here for! There is ALWAYS a purpose, and always a tomorrow, until God calls you home.
   Some days Sydni lives with me in third person, someone I have loved and lost, but I keep her at a distance, not allowing myself to go to those deep feelings. It is my coping mechanism to get by some days, to retreat from the burden of the emptiness I live with.
   Weekend before last was a pretty bad one. We had to take Cooper (the puppy Sydni brought home and nobody wanted) to the vet. He hadn't eaten in 2 days,was lethargic (which I actually liked) and had started vomiting bile. Took him to Abshier/Meuth clinic and they checked him out. We did x-rays, which revealed a possible obstruction in his intestines, and decided that they would put him on fluids and keep him overnight. Friday came and he was doing much better, due to the fluids, but still not eating or going potty. They were really trying to keep from doing the $1000 surgery, but the obstruction wasn't moving into the bowels at all. They recommended we take him to Beaumont Emergency Animal Clinic for the weekend so he would get 24 hour care and have doctors available if surgery became necessary. We drove the hour there that evening, then sat a bit waiting for consult/financial process. Once we talked to the attending vet, the guy came in with the projected bill that we needed to pay up front and in full. The cost, just to house him, without the surgery was $1200, and if they needed to do surgery the fee for the weekend was $2100. How could this be happening?! Lyn was beside himself, asked them to quote us for just one night's stay and if he wasn't eating in the morning, we would put him down. My heart sank. I went to the bathroom at some point, prayed and asked God to reveal what His will was for the situation, to help us make the choice that He would want. This is something, honestly, that I do not do often enough in many instances in my life. The quote for the night was $365. We paid and went home to tell Landon what the possible outcome might be. We did decide to do the surgery and Cooper is back home with us and doing well. My point to this is that even after praying, I didn't have an immediate, clear answer as to what we should do. Were we to rely on God to make him eat and potty, and if he didn't then God intended for him to go, or was it to rely on Him financially to supply the money when it came due? There was no time to wait for that clear answer we all want. In the end, we decided that we could not be responsible for another death in this family right now. Was it the right decision?? I'm not sure. Perhaps there was no wrong answer. Maybe God just wanted us to go to Him for guidance and to give Him control. I hope we made the right choice.
   Saturday, we went to Lyn's best friend's daughter's wedding. I knew that it would be sad, but there are some things that you just can't prepare yourself for, or know just how hard they will be. This was one of them. They are a very close family. I love that about them. Grandparents of the bride as well. Just a really tight-knit family. It was beautiful. She was beautiful! The wedding itself was sad for Lyn and I. I shed a few tears, but silently, and under my sunglasses. Yes, it was an outside wedding in January, and the weather was PERFECT! It was sad seeing her dad walk her down the aisle and knowing that Lyn will never experience that. I will never help my baby plan her wedding, pick out her dress, or do all the fun and stressful things that go along with it. The hardest part came during the reception. They had the couple's dance, and then came the daddy/daughter dance, maybe a brother/sister dance, I don't really remember, followed by a video tribute from her proud brother. I was almost sobbing during the dances, sitting at a table with people I barely knew. I excused myself before the video started. It became overwhelming for me, and I didn't want the spotlight to be on anyone but this loving, wonderful family and their joy. I did eventually go back inside, ate some good food, and watched Landon do some of his "moves" on the dance floor. It was a beautiful and intimate wedding. I wish them all the happiness <3
   This experience continues to teach me many things, willingly or unwillingly. In this journey I am learning to take care of myself, learning to let go, of people, of things that are not healthy for me, realizing I can't "fix" every thing, every relationship, every person, and being okay with that. I'm learning to rely on Him more than I ever have. I've not learned all there is yet, but perhaps the road I see ahead is a little straighter, and a little less bumpy. 
   I am learning forgiveness. I have to forgive Sydni, for leaving us, leaving all of us here without her. She was amazing! I have to forgive others. I have to give forgiveness where and when I can. I have to give love in the same way, and if it's not received, let it go. I can't force someone to love me or forgive me, and it doesn't mean that I can't pray for them or for our relationship, but that I can't let it consume me. I have to accept that I will not please everyone. I have to forgive myself and realize that...I hesitate to take these words to paper...........I have to realize that this was not my fault. This one will take the most time I think.
   I search for peace. Peace from guilt, peace from pain, peace from judgement. Without peace I can't find my happiness, and I want to be happy again someday, not in the usual, casual way, but a different kind of happy. It will be a happy that will be deliberate, more meaningful than before, fulfilling. A happy I can carry Sydni in with me.

This is a journey...of self awareness...of reflection...of a lifetime of love.

SydniDrew, I love you. I will be with you again...someday. 

One glad morning, when this life is o'er, I'll fly away. To a home on God's celestial shores, I'll fly way. 

When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away. ~Grammie Nichols <3

Searching thru Darkness

      As I sat up from a nap on the way home from Colorado, I saw a sign. Las Vegas 54 miles. I thought to myself, what if we were really going to Vegas, or anywhere but home as our next destination. Wouldn't it be nice to never go back, to never have to stare the pain of losing her in the face again. You grieve at a much slower and easier pace when you are away. You can avoid places and things and people that remind you of the love you lost. But eventually, you will have to go home, and why wouldn't you want to? It's where the heart is, right? It's where the people that love us and that we love are.
   We stopped at a McDonald's somewhere near Amarillo to eat. Just sat anonymously, and as I looked around at the people I thought, maybe it would be good to move, go somewhere where no one knows us or what has happened to us, but I was proud to be "Sydni's mom." It was my honor, my gift from God. And you know what? I am still proud to be her mom, to hold that title. I love that people look at us and know she belonged in our clan, our family unit, that she was part of us. We loved her. There's no shame in that. 
   Our trip was good and filled with small rays of happiness and laughter and smiles. We carried Sydni with us in spirit...and we took a little piece of her with us...her cheer backpack! We took it skiing and snowmobiling :) I think she would've loved the snow. Once home, all the sorrow came flooding back, not that it left us on our trip, but being back takes some acclimating...missing her will take a lifetime.
   Ever wish you could just disappear? Sometimes I sit in parking lots, just watching people and wishing I was them. But sometimes the parking lots empty...and I am left with just me. Who am I? 
   I have come to that point maybe, that says, "I did the best I could." We tried our hardest. If she was sick, we didn't see it. If she needed different medication for something different, we didn't know. She acted like a teenager to us, a gonna do what I want teen at times, but nothing that warranted anything greater than what we were doing. Some may see it differently, but Lyn and I both feel that we did the right things with her for the most part. We were not perfect parents by any means, but we gave her all we had to give. Yes, we showed disappointment at times for things, but we were also encouraging, protective, supportive, nosey, confidants, hugely proud fans, and people who wanted the best for our beautiful, amazing daughter. We tried to instill values and encourage her to reach for the stars, to set goals and go after them, to love others and above all, love God. We weren't drug addicts, alcoholics, deadbeats, non-involved, abusive parents. We loved our SydniDrew, with all that is in us.
   I know that people want answers, want to understand the why of it. We, as her parents want that more than anyone! It has to be someone's fault, something that someone did. No one blames themselves more than us, but the truth is, the "real of it" is that we had no control over what she did that day. There was no alarm that would sound to warn us of the danger and tragedy just ahead. 
   The human condition can be a tricky, fickle, slippery one. You can suddenly lose sight of the love that is holding you. You may interpret a single action by someone as to say or feel that you are not loved by them because of it. The difference is that we are still here and able to convey publicly or privately that we did indeed love her, and it was because of that love that we acted as parents. What would she say of her action if she could tell us? I wonder... 
In that moment did Sydni forget the love given to her all of her years and misinterpret our actions of discipline as something else? 
I read about the girl from Penn State that took her life. Did Sydni feel she couldn't handle the stresses of this world anymore? Maybe it wasn't about what ANYONE did. I wonder...   
   Please, if you read any of this and think, this sounds like me, talk to someone. Let SOMEONE know how you are feeling. I see Sydni's friends living their lives and think, it didn't have to be this way. There are friends, family, and always, always, when we fail you, there is God, ready and eager to listen and comfort you in times of need! There's a song that says, if you don't know what to say, just say Jesus. I tell you this because this world WILL let you down, but He will not! If you trust that, you can overcome ANY bad stuff.         
  
   Family embodies love and support, people who genuinely care about your well being above all else; without judgement or finger pointing. The love and nurturing we have received and are still receiving has been beyond anything imaginable. Those who have loved Sydni, and us, have freely and willingly cared for us in her absence. It's been a family, not in a traditional sense, but in the sense that you have loved us and supported us and have not judged us. It is an immeasurable and irreplaceable gift that I'm not sure you understand until the unthinkable happens. It's the purest act of love, and there are no words in the English language to describe what it really means to us <3


Oh Sytni! (that's the first time I've called you by that since...well you know) I miss you. Do you know how much? Are you aware of me, aware of how much I think of you?  You were my BEST 16 years! Not a moment of a day goes by without you on my mind. 
I see 11:11 and 1:11 all the time now. Didn't see them hardly at all before. Is that you? Is it even possible for you to come to me in some way?