Searching thru Darkness

      As I sat up from a nap on the way home from Colorado, I saw a sign. Las Vegas 54 miles. I thought to myself, what if we were really going to Vegas, or anywhere but home as our next destination. Wouldn't it be nice to never go back, to never have to stare the pain of losing her in the face again. You grieve at a much slower and easier pace when you are away. You can avoid places and things and people that remind you of the love you lost. But eventually, you will have to go home, and why wouldn't you want to? It's where the heart is, right? It's where the people that love us and that we love are.
   We stopped at a McDonald's somewhere near Amarillo to eat. Just sat anonymously, and as I looked around at the people I thought, maybe it would be good to move, go somewhere where no one knows us or what has happened to us, but I was proud to be "Sydni's mom." It was my honor, my gift from God. And you know what? I am still proud to be her mom, to hold that title. I love that people look at us and know she belonged in our clan, our family unit, that she was part of us. We loved her. There's no shame in that. 
   Our trip was good and filled with small rays of happiness and laughter and smiles. We carried Sydni with us in spirit...and we took a little piece of her with us...her cheer backpack! We took it skiing and snowmobiling :) I think she would've loved the snow. Once home, all the sorrow came flooding back, not that it left us on our trip, but being back takes some acclimating...missing her will take a lifetime.
   Ever wish you could just disappear? Sometimes I sit in parking lots, just watching people and wishing I was them. But sometimes the parking lots empty...and I am left with just me. Who am I? 
   I have come to that point maybe, that says, "I did the best I could." We tried our hardest. If she was sick, we didn't see it. If she needed different medication for something different, we didn't know. She acted like a teenager to us, a gonna do what I want teen at times, but nothing that warranted anything greater than what we were doing. Some may see it differently, but Lyn and I both feel that we did the right things with her for the most part. We were not perfect parents by any means, but we gave her all we had to give. Yes, we showed disappointment at times for things, but we were also encouraging, protective, supportive, nosey, confidants, hugely proud fans, and people who wanted the best for our beautiful, amazing daughter. We tried to instill values and encourage her to reach for the stars, to set goals and go after them, to love others and above all, love God. We weren't drug addicts, alcoholics, deadbeats, non-involved, abusive parents. We loved our SydniDrew, with all that is in us.
   I know that people want answers, want to understand the why of it. We, as her parents want that more than anyone! It has to be someone's fault, something that someone did. No one blames themselves more than us, but the truth is, the "real of it" is that we had no control over what she did that day. There was no alarm that would sound to warn us of the danger and tragedy just ahead. 
   The human condition can be a tricky, fickle, slippery one. You can suddenly lose sight of the love that is holding you. You may interpret a single action by someone as to say or feel that you are not loved by them because of it. The difference is that we are still here and able to convey publicly or privately that we did indeed love her, and it was because of that love that we acted as parents. What would she say of her action if she could tell us? I wonder... 
In that moment did Sydni forget the love given to her all of her years and misinterpret our actions of discipline as something else? 
I read about the girl from Penn State that took her life. Did Sydni feel she couldn't handle the stresses of this world anymore? Maybe it wasn't about what ANYONE did. I wonder...   
   Please, if you read any of this and think, this sounds like me, talk to someone. Let SOMEONE know how you are feeling. I see Sydni's friends living their lives and think, it didn't have to be this way. There are friends, family, and always, always, when we fail you, there is God, ready and eager to listen and comfort you in times of need! There's a song that says, if you don't know what to say, just say Jesus. I tell you this because this world WILL let you down, but He will not! If you trust that, you can overcome ANY bad stuff.         
  
   Family embodies love and support, people who genuinely care about your well being above all else; without judgement or finger pointing. The love and nurturing we have received and are still receiving has been beyond anything imaginable. Those who have loved Sydni, and us, have freely and willingly cared for us in her absence. It's been a family, not in a traditional sense, but in the sense that you have loved us and supported us and have not judged us. It is an immeasurable and irreplaceable gift that I'm not sure you understand until the unthinkable happens. It's the purest act of love, and there are no words in the English language to describe what it really means to us <3


Oh Sytni! (that's the first time I've called you by that since...well you know) I miss you. Do you know how much? Are you aware of me, aware of how much I think of you?  You were my BEST 16 years! Not a moment of a day goes by without you on my mind. 
I see 11:11 and 1:11 all the time now. Didn't see them hardly at all before. Is that you? Is it even possible for you to come to me in some way?