Six months. 183 days. One half of one year. How is it even possible...
I have been blessed to hear so many stories of how helpful, kind, inclusive Sydni was to people. I have heard amazing stories of encouragement by Sydni, times where she made a difference in more than one person's life to help them through a dark or difficult time. Sydni wasn't necessarily these people's best friends, but was willing to make herself available and approachable in a moment of need in someone's life. I appreciate EVERY ONE of those people who have shared their private struggles with me. Please, if you get nothing else out of the words I write, please don't let this tragedy be you! You leave behind pain and sorrow that can NEVER be fixed or forgotten. You leave behind brokenness, emptiness and confusion. You leave behind a depth of sadness that is truly beyond comprehension.
I feel closest to you when I am at my saddest SydniDrew. And when I start to move away from that place, I run back to it, just to be near you again. Why Sydni? I can't find you here. Why did you go? Why? I wasn't through being your mom.
I want to touch her, to hold her hand in mine again. I want to laugh with her, and hear about her days again. I want to hug her, and talk about all her crushes again. I want to console her and wipe away her tears again. I want to ride around with her, the top down and sing really loud again. I want to tell her how proud I am of her, how talented she is and how very much I love her again. I want to tell her to hold on, to be strong and brave like I know you are again! I want to be mad at her, to tell her to clean her room and not be mean to her brother again. I want to go shopping with her, to blow dry her hair and help her get ready again. I want to snuggle with her, to have her share all her secrets and make promises again. I want her to look at me with those eyes, to tell me she loves me and will never leave me again. I want to to talk about her dreams, what she wants to be someday and how many kids I'm gonna have to babysit again. I want to cherish her, want the best for her and just be her mommy again...
What have I become?
One of my good friends shared this with me, and it fits PERFECTLY.
"Talk to me as a friend that misses her, don't be gentle, because sorrow sometimes rages. I want her to live on in others, not just with me. I don't want her memory to fade from this world."
Please remember her. Never forget her, this, my forever, my precious love <3
I just mentioned to Kim when she was here, I can't believe 4 years are coming up. I am like you. I would dearly love to have one more chance to tell her all will be o k. Tomorrow it won't seem as big a deal as today. I'm still going to tell her if I get there, come, sit, you got a lot of explaining to do. Hugs x 3. You know I love you like my own.
ReplyDelete