Moving? Or not??

   I typically start my blogs by jotting down thoughts and feelings in my notes on my phone. Love being able to do that. When I think I'm done, I transfer them to the iPad to add to my blog page. I had a little trouble getting data to the pad because of a recent update that I installed. This in turn, led me to my iPad messages...and you got it...I couldn't withstand the temptation today, to look at some messages shared with Sydni there. I haven't been able to look at the ones on my phone, just more of a trigger I guess, but I scrolled through what I had on the pad and I was, I don't know, surprised, shocked, relieved, baffled, that everything was so...normal, just as I remember it. Five weeks, one month, three weeks even, it was all normal. There were words of encouragement, words of love, words of parenting and advice. That's where my iPad convos ended with her, about three weeks before, but even after that, she was gone a week and a half from our home, on her mission trip and then to my mom's. I guess my point is, that in less than three weeks, probably even less time than that, I lost my daughter, and she lost herself. She seems so normal in the texts. Just a regular teen dealing with teen issues with friends, boys, parents. There were happy texts. Funny selfies. Us sharing love. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND! I hope you truly believe when I say that we never saw this coming.
   Maybe we are moving into a new phase of grief, or maybe it's others who are becoming able to move on with their lives. I'm scared to even utter the words "move forward" or feel the emotion of what that brings. I think I am better at faking it, at hiding and squelching the tears and sadness that live just under the surface, waiting for the most random moment to show themselves, but I haven't moved anywhere, at least not inside.
   Of course I know that people are going to move forward in their lives. It's normal. It's inevitable. It's certainly what I want...or is it? I say that's what I want, but to see it written or hear it spoken is hard. Do I not mean when I say I want the best for others?? Am I a hypocrite? I don't like hearing anyone, no matter who it is, say that I am doing better. Those words just feel wrong. I feel a sense of abandonment. I feel as if I am disrespecting Sydni's memory, and somehow not being the parent I should be. I want to fight back, rebel against the very notion that I would "do better" without her here. We are never to dessert our children. They are our kids for life, but what about in death? That is certainly different. What do you do with just a memory? She's no longer here to nurture or to see the milestones of a long life. No college. No job. No marriage. No grandchildren. No in-between, day-to-day moments we ALL take for granted. I know that change is coming. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know if I want it. All I know is that I don't want her to be forgotten! All I know is I want her here. 
   How do I find a balance between what was, what is left, and what will be our lives? Am I changing? Or are others changing around me?


My sweet Sydni. I texted your brother the other night to his iPod when he went to bed. Oh how it reminded me of us. We texted like sisters, friends, you and I! Constantly! It brought tears. I miss those "Guess what??" texts more than most could even imagine. I miss your picture hacks on my phone. I miss you sharing with me and sending snapshots. I miss you asking advice. I miss you being a turd. What I would do for one more text...one call...one last kiss and hug. I'm a bit of a mess tonight. Just missing you, like every other day. 
Landon played baseball this weekend for the 1st time since you left. He did good! You'd be proud of him YaYa. He and dad miss you like crazy too. 

How to Save a Life

  I think it's strange that Sydni left before me, beyond the obvious reasons. Why? Because Sydni saved me! Well, Christ saved me, but He sent SydniDrew to me, to leave where I was, and become more of what I should be. From the moment I found out that I was going to be her mom, my life changed. I guess to understand that statement I need to share a little of my story. 
   To say my childhood was not the greatest would be an understatement. I truly have endured things that most people could not imagine. I won't go into details, as there is no need in causing more hurt and pain. I have purposely left this part of my story out, but it is relevant to this blog for me to touch on. Just know that if you have had a hard, tough childhood, I can certainly relate.
   My reason for sharing this part of my life is that I spent most of my young adulthood rebelling, angry with God, and staying as far from Him as I could. I have a lot of things that I regret, although they have had a place in my evolution as a person, a Christian, and yes, as a mom to my Sydni and Landon. I thought that my childhood, and my rebellious years would equip and prepare me to be a better parent. We all want that, to be better parents than the generation before us. Maybe that's what makes me feel so much more a failure, having lost my daughter to suicide of all things. We were so close, she and I, or at least I thought so. I knew her well and I think that's what makes it more confusing, and why I'm not sure that I feel she struggled with long-term depression vs something more short-term. It's ALL so confusing really. 
   I was in love with Sydni before she ever entered this world. I remember more moments than I can count with her in my ever-expanding tummy, when I talked to her, promising that I would ALWAYS take care of and protect her. She was my saving grace! My reason for leaving my dead-end travels and seeking the bigger picture God had planned for my life. She was more than I could've ever hoped for. She gave me hope <3
   The years passed quickly. She grew, strong-willed and full of life! And then our surprise happened. Landon was coming! 
   How could I know then, that Landon would save me too? Who gets that? In one lifetime, two people, sent by God, to deliver them from darkness? Lyn and I both feel that if it wasn't for him we might not be able to go on. Who knows. I'm sure we would find a way. The whole point is we don't have to, because he is here. I'm so grateful to God for him, and to him for enduring all that he has in his short life. I pray we find peace and happiness, for him. He's an amazing young man, who tells me he would someday like to marry someone who knew Sydni. He loves his YaYa so.
   More often lately I think that I shouldn't be thinking of her so much. But then I ask myself...how can I let go of almost 17 years of memories in 7 months time? We LOVED that girl and I don't know HOW long it will take to not think of her constantly.  
   Wanting to "escape" is still a constant. Some things work, very briefly, but others not so much. Wanted to watch a movie to escape for a bit, so I rented Gravity. WHO KNEW that Sandra Bullock's character had lost her daughter!!!!! Really??  I had NO idea when I picked it that it too would have some reference, some relevance to our lives. It is mind boggling how virtually everything that I do, see, touch, smell, hear, can trigger a memory or vision of Sydni, even still! Same result when we went to San Antonio for part of Spring Break. Sea World, Six Flags, the Alamo, the Riverwalk, all places and memories we shared with Sydni. There is just no retreat from it, at least not yet.
   I find myself being more bitter. Bitter about people's actions, bitter about things that will never be, about things we were right about. Who wants to say I told you so at this point? I don't know if this is just part of the process of grieving, but I pray it passes quickly. I pray a lot of things. I wish a lot of things. 
   I will not let your life be defined by that one day Sydni. You were so much more than that moment! I'm trying so hard to let the guilt, the anger, the hurt, the confusion go, so that I can see and remember our best times. Just to allow myself to miss you. That's hard enough without all the other stuff. I'll never be the same without you, but I can be someone. 


  It's been 7 months and counting now. Cheer tryouts have come and gone. Extremely hard day, to remember a year ago. Maybe I didn't say the right things to you. Is this part of the reason you left? I know it was hard for you. Why Sydni? Why aren't you here? I miss you so. I will always miss you. I will always love you.