Moving? Or not??

   I typically start my blogs by jotting down thoughts and feelings in my notes on my phone. Love being able to do that. When I think I'm done, I transfer them to the iPad to add to my blog page. I had a little trouble getting data to the pad because of a recent update that I installed. This in turn, led me to my iPad messages...and you got it...I couldn't withstand the temptation today, to look at some messages shared with Sydni there. I haven't been able to look at the ones on my phone, just more of a trigger I guess, but I scrolled through what I had on the pad and I was, I don't know, surprised, shocked, relieved, baffled, that everything was so...normal, just as I remember it. Five weeks, one month, three weeks even, it was all normal. There were words of encouragement, words of love, words of parenting and advice. That's where my iPad convos ended with her, about three weeks before, but even after that, she was gone a week and a half from our home, on her mission trip and then to my mom's. I guess my point is, that in less than three weeks, probably even less time than that, I lost my daughter, and she lost herself. She seems so normal in the texts. Just a regular teen dealing with teen issues with friends, boys, parents. There were happy texts. Funny selfies. Us sharing love. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND! I hope you truly believe when I say that we never saw this coming.
   Maybe we are moving into a new phase of grief, or maybe it's others who are becoming able to move on with their lives. I'm scared to even utter the words "move forward" or feel the emotion of what that brings. I think I am better at faking it, at hiding and squelching the tears and sadness that live just under the surface, waiting for the most random moment to show themselves, but I haven't moved anywhere, at least not inside.
   Of course I know that people are going to move forward in their lives. It's normal. It's inevitable. It's certainly what I want...or is it? I say that's what I want, but to see it written or hear it spoken is hard. Do I not mean when I say I want the best for others?? Am I a hypocrite? I don't like hearing anyone, no matter who it is, say that I am doing better. Those words just feel wrong. I feel a sense of abandonment. I feel as if I am disrespecting Sydni's memory, and somehow not being the parent I should be. I want to fight back, rebel against the very notion that I would "do better" without her here. We are never to dessert our children. They are our kids for life, but what about in death? That is certainly different. What do you do with just a memory? She's no longer here to nurture or to see the milestones of a long life. No college. No job. No marriage. No grandchildren. No in-between, day-to-day moments we ALL take for granted. I know that change is coming. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know if I want it. All I know is that I don't want her to be forgotten! All I know is I want her here. 
   How do I find a balance between what was, what is left, and what will be our lives? Am I changing? Or are others changing around me?


My sweet Sydni. I texted your brother the other night to his iPod when he went to bed. Oh how it reminded me of us. We texted like sisters, friends, you and I! Constantly! It brought tears. I miss those "Guess what??" texts more than most could even imagine. I miss your picture hacks on my phone. I miss you sharing with me and sending snapshots. I miss you asking advice. I miss you being a turd. What I would do for one more text...one call...one last kiss and hug. I'm a bit of a mess tonight. Just missing you, like every other day. 
Landon played baseball this weekend for the 1st time since you left. He did good! You'd be proud of him YaYa. He and dad miss you like crazy too.