The things we think about

   April 8th marks eight entirely too long and exhausting months without..her, SydniDrew, the one we long for without cease. There are days lately I think I'm thru with the blogging. What else could I add that hasn't already been said. The love, the hurt, the pain, the emptiness. It's all there. I spent the first few months trying to alleviate the pain, determined to paint over the pink&gray glittered walls that housed my once vibrant and alive teen, donate her clothes, clear her room. I cleaned. I vacuumed. I sorted and boxed clothes. I wiped everything down, even scrubbed the facing of the pantry door where I saw her hand for the last time just minutes before our lives changed forever, trying to somehow remove all traces of her DNA from our shattered world. Months have gone now and I haven't touched her room. Boxes scatter the place she called her home. Haven't given clothes away. Haven't painted. I now feel more of the loss and less of the pain perhaps, not knowing what I should do with all things Sydni. It is still a daily struggle, to live with the fact she won't be back. I can't grasp the "big picture" of it all. It's too big for me just yet..too long to be without her.
   I feel hyper-sensitive to pain and grief now, kinda like I have a super hero power from a cartoon. I'm being totally serious! It's a heightened awareness of all the bad in this world. It is overwhelming some days, as it seems to hit me from all directions, friends in crisis, FB posts, messages from people struggling, news media. Death and destruction all around us, that before I could filter out as I busied myself with my everyday life, but am no longer able to ignore.
   I feel "weird"...well weirder than the person I was before. So many strange things continue to cross my mind. Things that you don't possibly think of when your family is in tact. So many "firsts" that she never had, and so many things she had barely touched the surface of. I ponder school moments, senior pictures, prom, graduation, then on to where she would end up for college..straight to A&M or to Blinn first. What would her first job have been? What would she be doing on any given afternoon or night?
   Then there's the romantic side of her life. She had only "dated" 2 boys since she had turned 16, one that was very special to us, and to her. Who would she be dating in college? Would that lead to marriage? To children? What would he be like? What a great mom I think she would've been. She adored children. She always said she was going to have 3 kids, and I was going to babysit them, cuz she was gonna be a vet or a nurse practitioner and would have to work :) I loved her sharing her dreams with me. I so wanted to be a part of them. Only God himself could know how special that girl was to me.
   There is the spiritual aspect to all this. You never really REALLY wonder what Heaven is all about, or what happens there until you lose someone so close to you. I lost my Grammie a few years ago, the closest person to be lost thus far to me besides Sydni, and I didn't have such questions as I do now. I wonder things like can Sydni see us, our pain, our achievements? My personal conclusion is that no, she can't. I believe there is no pain or sorrow in Heaven, and if she could see us all here, she would be sad, as I don't believe we are able to choose the moments you would like to be seen, not wanting them to see when we are "bad" but wanting to see the "good" moments in our lives. I have wondered if she is able to send me signs. I no longer think that they are her, but that they are God's comfort to me. I believe that in that moment when she arrived before Christ, that ALL was revealed to her, and she is now a part of Heaven, rejoicing with the angels and praising our Savior and Deliverer, earthly things being left behind. This is hard for me! Having said all that, I don't believe that disagreement with anything I've stated is a deal breaker with God. These are just MY opinions. We all yearn for those that we have lost. He knows our hearts and our pain. We need only to rely on scripture for wisdom, keeping our focus on God as the reason to reach our final destination, and to strive for Him, and not any one person to reach our forever home. Being reunited with our loved ones is a "perk" of our commitment to Christ, not the reason we should aspire to get there. I do still wrestle with God/Sydni swirled together at moments. It is a spiritual journey as well as a grief one to be sure.
   My family and I have been "spotted" as Sydni's childhood friend wrote, by so many friends, some old, some new, even people I've never met, and for everyone's continued and ongoing support, we are forever thankful. Sydni has had t-shirts printed, bracelets and buttons made, money raised for a scholarship fund, poems written, a HS article published, and countless other gestures, all in her honor. I have had the privilege of a continued relationship with many of her friends, some I had met, some I have not. What a blessing, and what great things that says about our daughter, Landon's YaYa, and so many's friend, that her friends would want, feel comfortable enough, and desire to share sorrow and struggles with me, talk with me, and encourage and comfort our family. That's all Sydni! That's the person SHE was and why they feel..safe..talking to me. What an inclusive and beautiful and amazing person we raised <3


My Peanut :) We continue to miss you so very much. There are times I go in your room and just cry out to you. Everyone is having senior pics done, shopping for prom, picking dorms and applying for scholarships. It's a tough time for us. Next will be graduation...and then summer. I imagine this will be an extremely emotional few months. I wish..well it doesn't really matter what I wish. The reality is you are not here.
Née naa noo Ninni <3 always..forever..my heart is yours
#neverforget