Have you ever laid in the tub, water full, and ducked under just enough to cover your ears? When all you can hear is you, breathing in and out, in and out. That's how I felt today, when, as I sat detailing my car, Lyn told me the results of the toxicology report. Nothing. Nothing, meaning.. no drugs, no alcohol, no overuse of her Prozac medication, nothing. I couldn't hear anything but me, breathing in and out.
We all suspected, right? Everyone knew the rumor. We just knew she must have been on or over medicating with something. Why else would she do something so desperate and horrific to herself? It was no more, or less, than human despair, as if that wouldn't be enough.
I feel the pain again, like I did when I sat with her on her bed that day. I feel confusion, sadness, anger, unworthiness, and a new sense of culpability and guilt that isn't soon to leave. Wanna know the "real of it all?" I feel like the worst parent. The worst person. I don't even have words right now. My self pity is, in this moment, self loathing. We all know I was her "go to" person when she needed someone. How do I deal with knowing that she needed someone, me, and I didn't recognize it and wasn't there.
Please, PLEASE read these blogs and know that the pain you leave behind is just too great! Take another breath, think a minute longer, give it one more day. Try to find SOMETHING to give you hope to keep going. PRAY and know that no matter what you've done, He will listen. No matter what others have done to you, He will be there for you.
I'm sorry for the emotional rant. I was afraid if I didn't write it, I might feel differently tomorrow and not want to share. It is hard writing all this and putting it out there, but my only goal is to tell the story and to try and make a difference somehow. Many may not agree with it, but it's all I have to offer. It's all I can do at this time. What purpose does her death serve, if not to bring awareness?
Please keep my family in your prayers.
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