What if?

   I think this or say it probably 100 + times a day, but my "what if" right now is different. At Bo's Place a couple weeks ago, someone in my group brought up a scripture that tells us that our days were numbered, even before we were formed (Psalm 139:16). I have had a lot of trouble with this verse and this truth. I tell myself that it doesn't apply in my circumstance because this wasn't a God-ordained death. This wasn't a death of illness or murder or an accident, it was a death of choice. But perhaps to say this doesn't apply to Sydni means that I don't trust God's Word and His promises to me.
   What if? What if it's true that although He didn't want her to die in that moment, and yet allowed it, that it still was meant to be. He knew she would make this choice, even before she was conceived. But what if, because He knew that the enemy would devour my beautiful girl, He ordained that Landon would be born, to be here to help us carry on. What if we were exactly the parents Sydni needed to reach the goal of 16 years & 11 months of her life? What if, thru her death, He ordained that someone else would live?! Mind blowing I know.
   Our grief counselor says that I am a deep thinker. I agree. I have always been a "thinker," but the loss of our child has made me think so deeply about every molecule of my life and the lives of my family. I wonder...did we go left when we should've gone right? Did we move at some point when we shouldn't have and therefore put this all in motion? Did we not parent correctly? Did we not do what God intended? Am I doing what God intended right now? Am I supposed to be blogging about all of it, or is there something else entirely that I should be doing?
   We as Christians are to seek God's will and walk by faith. But what is faith? Faith is trusting in God's will and plan for our lives. Faith also requires confidence in those decisions that we make, but I find myself doubting possibly critical decisions that were made. I wonder if I didn't pray enough about something. I wonder if a seemingly simple detour in the road caused this. How can someone really truly know beyond certainty that what they are doing or where they are going is God's plan? We can plainly know that we are not to murder or steal, because the bible says so. But the bible doesn't tell you things like where to work or live or how many children to have. Some things you just pray about, listen and follow the answer, and go with confidence..with faith.
   I went to the school and visited with Sydni's English teacher. There was a picture Sydni had drawn that she had offered to me shortly after Sydni's death and I did want it. It was hard walking the school halls where I knew Sydni had walked, hard to sit in a classroom that she once occupied. I almost asked if the room was still the same, and if she could show me where Sydni sat, but I didn't. I was surprised with a whole packet of special writings for me when I arrived, tucked in a folder that Sydni had colorfully decorated. So much thought and detail..and love put into the gathering of it all. Her teacher sat with me, cried with me, shared lots of stories with me, but the most important thing she shared was that Sydni talked about me "even more than most teen girls." She said she could clearly see that Sydni loved her mom. I was so thankful to hear that. I want so much to believe that. What a blessing that visit was for me <3
   I saw a friend at the gym and she was telling me about another parent who had lost their child several years ago, and that this mother told her that she wouldn't have rather not known her son then to have had him the short time she did. I feel the same way. I would do it all over again. Every second of it. Same result. Same all of it. I will NEVER regret knowing her, loving her, mommying her. It was my joy and privilege.


SydniDrew. Me and you..you and me. We had something more special than most moms and daughters. Something only death could sever, and I wouldn't trade one single moment of my life with you. God didn't give you to us for a lifetime, but He did show me what PURE love feels like. Maybe this can only be accomplished by the loss of one so close to my heart.