Missing you for days, weeks, months and seconds

   With each day that draws closer to the anniversary, I feel myself sliding backwards. I feel relieved when I am able to piece together a complete thought of acceptance of this situation, void of the constant consciousness of Sydni for that 30 seconds or so, to not feel anxious, guilty, hopeless, to just feel okay. These thoughts are fleeting and infrequent at best, but they do offer me some peace.
   I posted a picture of Sydni on FB recently and I find myself clicking on it, zooming in on her face, studying every curve. Strange how you can look at a picture after someone has gone and notice the details that you didn't before; the green in their eyes, the oh so long eyelashes, the shape or their teeth or their cute little nose, a "frankle" as Sydni called freckles when she was small, that you didn't remember, not because you didn't care or see them, but you didn't NEED to remember all those details because you were gonna see them again tomorrow and the thousands of tomorrows after that. I look at pictures now and think that I have somehow forgotten what she looked like, not completely of course, but just the finer, more intricate parts. I just want to touch her again, feel her, hear her, smell her.
   We just got back from our trip to Mexico, our 2nd escape, this one from the reality of no more summers with her. Haven't been there since Lyn and I got married. Our vacation was good. Our resort was beautiful. There were moments of smiles and laughter, relaxation and even some fun. It was "almost" paradise, but something was missing, someONE was missing that would have made it complete. I "know" she's not coming back, but I continue to "feel" as if she will. It's not a conscious thing, but when I look at a picture, plan for a vacation, even hear a sound upstairs late at night, I think that this can't be the end of us. I thought she and I would be taking a vacay together this summer, maybe just the two of us, best buds enjoying our last moments before she headed off to school and into the big world, but instead we had to go without her.
   Summer will always remind me of Sydni. Perhaps it's because the kids are home and there is more time to interact and do activities with them. We had some great summers..annual trips to Garner, camping, Destin last summer, driving around with the top down, mommy/daughter pool dates, sleepovers with her friends (they always let me hang with them for awhile :) ), or just staying home snuggling and watching movies. Summers were just special. She was special.
   I have finally begun the daunting task of engraving Sydni's gravestone. This is something I have purposely avoided up to now. It is so important to me to "get it right," for it to be "perfect" for her. I don't know that I'm ready for that responsibility. This is NOT what we should be doing! This is NOT natural. We should be packing her up for college or something, anything besides choosing words and pictures for a tombstone. I have scrolled through hundreds of scriptures, quotes, poems, pictures, looking for just the right fit for her. I want it to be meaningful and original, as unique as she was. It's so surreal. It will be my last major tribute to her and how much she meant to us, and how much everyone meant to her. How do I portray a lifetime of love and joy in a few lines? It's impossible really. She was so much more than I could ever verbalize. I wish she knew that.
   As I searched through the net for inspiration I came across a website of poems on suicide. I, of course looked, to see if I could find anything that I could possibly use, not to shame or dwell on how Sydni died, but to somehow enlighten and encourage others not to take this path. I HAVE to believe that that's what she would want, that if she had it to do over, that she would've made a far different decision and have seen the bigger picture. As I started scrolling thru the poems, I quickly realized these were written by regular people, some as surviving loved ones of someone lost to suicide, while others were written by those who suffer from thoughts of suicide, pouring out their hearts about their pain and silent cries for help. It was overwhelming. I had to stop reading them. How could I not see? I'm broken by the thought of her being in that much pain. Did I really know who she was? How, or why, would you not talk about or ask for help? Was this the first time she felt this way, or was this an ongoing struggle? Was this an act of impulsiveness or had she been thinking about it?
   I am truly sorry for those who struggle from depression. I have been depressed at times in my life as well, this obviously, being one of those times, but I can NOT express loudly or often enough how the decision to take your own life is just the wrong one. It is unfair of you to leave us like this, FOREVER broken, with feelings of guilt and abandonment, feeling unloved and unworthy. You end up doing to others the very thing you seek to relieve yourself of. You are loved!
   Forgiveness may hold the key to my survival and ability to move forward, not move on, just forward in my life. I need to forgive myself for anything I may have done to contribute to Sydni's death. (That's so hard..to write "Sydni's death") But even more than that, I need to forgive Sydni. When I think about that, I can be happy for her that she is happy, and I can relax my thoughts a little, not dwell on the moments of that day, like a weight is lifted somewhat. I think it hard for me to forgive. I have had some great disappointments in my life that make it difficult. Forgiveness of things we don't understand, or maybe wouldn't do ourselves is tough. We can't wrap our minds or hearts around why people would do these things that we would never do, but it does happen doesn't it? I know God wants me to forgive. I know I love her enough to forgive her. Maybe I just need more time.

My SydniDrew. How are you? Is Heaven everything we think it is and more? Do you sleep? Do you float around on white billowy clouds, or do you walk majestically down the streets of gold? Do you live alone? Have you made another family? How old are you there? Is everyone the same age? Is there even such a thing as age? So many questions to things we don't often think of unless the unthinkable happens.
Well, we miss you. No new family here. Just us minus you. I sleep. I walk. And earth is just the same. I have been having a lot of bad dreams, so if you could ask God to throw in a good one with you, that'd be great! Dad and Landon love you and Ily too. I'll write again soon.

How many and how are they?

   Well I went to the dermatologist today. Only 2nd time I've ever seen one, first time being right after I had Sydni and my hormones caused my chin to break out something horribly. But today I went for some spots on my back and one on my arm. Sydni had been on me for a while to go and get one on my back checked out and I just kept putting it off. I was nervous, but Landon went with me and he was just awesome. Doctor looked me over, tried to make small talk, and for the first time I was asked "the question"..."so, how many children do you have??" I didn't know what to say! I froze inside, and with barely a pause, for fear he would know I was lying, I said "just one." And immediately I felt..like I betrayed Sydni. It felt wrong. It was just easier. I mean, I wanted to explain to him all that has gone on these past months, but it didn't seem appropriate or relevant to let him into my bubble, my life, my world. I'm so sorry Sydni.
   He said I had 5 basal cell cancer spots, I would live (lol), and that he needed to biopsy them, which of course meant needles, my other and probably biggest fear! But Landon comforted me the whole time. I didn't cry, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for him. I did whine and wince some. It hurt! But all I could think about was that Sydni must have hurt too. It must have hurt a lot to do what she did. Who was I to cry about some stupid shots. Landon kept saying "it's okay mom!" "I'm right here" ...as he held my hand. <3
   I had a bad weekend last week. Not sure what started if, if anything, but Sydni has been in my thoughts constantly every since. We went to Beaumont to play ball for the first time without her. Not sure if that was it or not. I do have a vivid memory of her wadded up in blankets, sleeping on the bleachers at a tournament there. Tourneys can be hard just because of all the teens running around and siblings there watching. Who am I kidding..it's everywhere I go, visions of her doing this or that or just being beside me. I have had 2 people, while at the ballpark, mistaken me for another Sydni's mom in BH and ask me how she is doing. It's beyond hard to get out the words "she's gone, no longer with us, she died" and that they have the wrong Sydni. There are just no rules of etiquette for this kind of situation.
   I felt insecure on this weekend. There has been some tension on our team, and it spills over into personal issues I think, and makes me acutely aware of the failures of my parenting. I so often question my decisions and feelings about what Sydni was doing. Perhaps it wasn't our place to intervene in some aspects of her life. But I also think it would have been irresponsible to condone certain things. Losing a child to suicide will give way to many doubts about yourself, and as I am discovering, doubts about who you really are to other people. We can say that it doesn't matter what others think, but yet relationships help validate our worth.
   There are things that I have noticed that have changed about myself. I avoid public places alone as much as possible. Anything/everything makes me cry. I have extreme anxiety at times to loud noises, loud laughing, screaming, sudden booms or bangs. My head becomes really scrambled and I'm unable to sort it out quickly enough..becomes very chaotic for me. I don't smile much. I don't laugh much. I still find Sydni in literally everything I do, see, touch or smell. I look the "other way" when we pass by the high school. Can't look at where I dropped her off and picked her up so many hundreds of times, or see the door she walked in and out of at school for those 3 years, and the parking lot where we surprised her with her lil sports car. I don't call Sydni by any of her nicknames we had for her. No Syd, Sytni, Sydster, YaYa, none of them. I don't use certain emojis, as I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm too happy or god forbid, laughing. I don't sing in public (and I DO like to sing!) especially at church or at Bo's Place, where we sing Lean On Me every time. I just stand there, in our circle, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, and stare blankly into space or at the floor. It's awkward to say the least.
   We continue to go to grief counseling and Bo's Place. I think there are ways in which things are better, but I'm not sure they are identifiable to me yet. They are different, yet they are exactly the same. Maybe I cry less times a day, but still cry daily. Maybe I have a solid 60 sec where I'm not flooded with her, but she is still there in every other minute of each of my days. Maybe I don't feel as hopeless, but there is still hopelessness. I don't want to let her go, but letting go is inevitable isn't it? This one will be the hardest...

My SydniDrew, summer, and life are not the same without you. I hope you liked the rose pedals we sprinkled on the grave for you graduation night. We went and ate and saw a movie to get away for the evening. We were all really sad, and I know your friends were too. Landon is sleeping some in your room. He says he feels closer to you there :)  We also got a new king bed for our room so he could sleep with us when he needs to. He has bad dreams sometimes. Wish you were here to snuggle with me in it. We are still missing you as much as ever! I think about you constantly. Summer was kinda our season. I miss our pool days. I miss you. Do I ever cross your mind?