Missing you for days, weeks, months and seconds

   With each day that draws closer to the anniversary, I feel myself sliding backwards. I feel relieved when I am able to piece together a complete thought of acceptance of this situation, void of the constant consciousness of Sydni for that 30 seconds or so, to not feel anxious, guilty, hopeless, to just feel okay. These thoughts are fleeting and infrequent at best, but they do offer me some peace.
   I posted a picture of Sydni on FB recently and I find myself clicking on it, zooming in on her face, studying every curve. Strange how you can look at a picture after someone has gone and notice the details that you didn't before; the green in their eyes, the oh so long eyelashes, the shape or their teeth or their cute little nose, a "frankle" as Sydni called freckles when she was small, that you didn't remember, not because you didn't care or see them, but you didn't NEED to remember all those details because you were gonna see them again tomorrow and the thousands of tomorrows after that. I look at pictures now and think that I have somehow forgotten what she looked like, not completely of course, but just the finer, more intricate parts. I just want to touch her again, feel her, hear her, smell her.
   We just got back from our trip to Mexico, our 2nd escape, this one from the reality of no more summers with her. Haven't been there since Lyn and I got married. Our vacation was good. Our resort was beautiful. There were moments of smiles and laughter, relaxation and even some fun. It was "almost" paradise, but something was missing, someONE was missing that would have made it complete. I "know" she's not coming back, but I continue to "feel" as if she will. It's not a conscious thing, but when I look at a picture, plan for a vacation, even hear a sound upstairs late at night, I think that this can't be the end of us. I thought she and I would be taking a vacay together this summer, maybe just the two of us, best buds enjoying our last moments before she headed off to school and into the big world, but instead we had to go without her.
   Summer will always remind me of Sydni. Perhaps it's because the kids are home and there is more time to interact and do activities with them. We had some great summers..annual trips to Garner, camping, Destin last summer, driving around with the top down, mommy/daughter pool dates, sleepovers with her friends (they always let me hang with them for awhile :) ), or just staying home snuggling and watching movies. Summers were just special. She was special.
   I have finally begun the daunting task of engraving Sydni's gravestone. This is something I have purposely avoided up to now. It is so important to me to "get it right," for it to be "perfect" for her. I don't know that I'm ready for that responsibility. This is NOT what we should be doing! This is NOT natural. We should be packing her up for college or something, anything besides choosing words and pictures for a tombstone. I have scrolled through hundreds of scriptures, quotes, poems, pictures, looking for just the right fit for her. I want it to be meaningful and original, as unique as she was. It's so surreal. It will be my last major tribute to her and how much she meant to us, and how much everyone meant to her. How do I portray a lifetime of love and joy in a few lines? It's impossible really. She was so much more than I could ever verbalize. I wish she knew that.
   As I searched through the net for inspiration I came across a website of poems on suicide. I, of course looked, to see if I could find anything that I could possibly use, not to shame or dwell on how Sydni died, but to somehow enlighten and encourage others not to take this path. I HAVE to believe that that's what she would want, that if she had it to do over, that she would've made a far different decision and have seen the bigger picture. As I started scrolling thru the poems, I quickly realized these were written by regular people, some as surviving loved ones of someone lost to suicide, while others were written by those who suffer from thoughts of suicide, pouring out their hearts about their pain and silent cries for help. It was overwhelming. I had to stop reading them. How could I not see? I'm broken by the thought of her being in that much pain. Did I really know who she was? How, or why, would you not talk about or ask for help? Was this the first time she felt this way, or was this an ongoing struggle? Was this an act of impulsiveness or had she been thinking about it?
   I am truly sorry for those who struggle from depression. I have been depressed at times in my life as well, this obviously, being one of those times, but I can NOT express loudly or often enough how the decision to take your own life is just the wrong one. It is unfair of you to leave us like this, FOREVER broken, with feelings of guilt and abandonment, feeling unloved and unworthy. You end up doing to others the very thing you seek to relieve yourself of. You are loved!
   Forgiveness may hold the key to my survival and ability to move forward, not move on, just forward in my life. I need to forgive myself for anything I may have done to contribute to Sydni's death. (That's so hard..to write "Sydni's death") But even more than that, I need to forgive Sydni. When I think about that, I can be happy for her that she is happy, and I can relax my thoughts a little, not dwell on the moments of that day, like a weight is lifted somewhat. I think it hard for me to forgive. I have had some great disappointments in my life that make it difficult. Forgiveness of things we don't understand, or maybe wouldn't do ourselves is tough. We can't wrap our minds or hearts around why people would do these things that we would never do, but it does happen doesn't it? I know God wants me to forgive. I know I love her enough to forgive her. Maybe I just need more time.

My SydniDrew. How are you? Is Heaven everything we think it is and more? Do you sleep? Do you float around on white billowy clouds, or do you walk majestically down the streets of gold? Do you live alone? Have you made another family? How old are you there? Is everyone the same age? Is there even such a thing as age? So many questions to things we don't often think of unless the unthinkable happens.
Well, we miss you. No new family here. Just us minus you. I sleep. I walk. And earth is just the same. I have been having a lot of bad dreams, so if you could ask God to throw in a good one with you, that'd be great! Dad and Landon love you and Ily too. I'll write again soon.