Who Am I?

   
   As many of you know church has been difficult for us this past year or so. We have gone a couple times in the last 2 months and are trying to re-engage our spiritual lives. The music is hard, the lessons and sermons can be difficult, and even the praises/prayer requests of a Sunday School class or sitting next to a family that's "all there" can make you question why we would put ourselves thru it. To remember that God has always been and remains FOR us is where I am trying to get back to. I don't have to understand the "whys" of this life, I just need to have faith that He will heal my brokenness. 
SS topic for this past week was about spiritual maturity and where we see ourselves. Someone said that you might be spiritually immature if you're not steadfast in faith when dealing with hardship, tragedy, the possibility of losing a child, that our hope shouldn't be reliant on whether a child lives or dies, but on God's will. I agree with that, but I contend that spiritual maturity is not a plateau that you arrive and stay. Maybe it can change and evolve with the ebb and flow of life's trials, depending on circumstances, and give way to further growth. You will never reach full spiritual maturity until we are united with Christ. Our journeys as Christians are not all the same. It's what makes our testimonies unique, one from another. Spiritual maturity is a journey. Grief is a journey. Parenting is a journey. LIFE is a journey, and it's full of growth and setbacks; struggles and triumph; pain and joy; hope and sorrow. Maybe the idea is to come out stronger than before, changed.

   I've discovered a new platform for healing and expressing how I feel in my grief journey. It's videos. So many thoughts I form in my head daily, a tangled mess of emotions and awareness I want to convey. They seem to hit me at the most in opportune times like when I'm driving or laying in bed, working, and when I'm least able to jot them down, and all sounding so much better there than when I attempt to write, but videos can tell their own story, of emotions, and a life with the the most precious gift we could ask for. It moves some of the focus from Sydni's death, to looking at and remembering our beautiful lives together. The pictures make me both happy and profoundly sad. The music speaks for me. I try to tell a story as I merge split seconds in time with the words and sounds that communicate my emotions. It's my way of remembering her, sharing her, and conveying the endless emotions of the greatest loss I've known.

   My latest struggle has been trying to discover where I fit in now. It is still very difficult to be around parents of girls or to hear about milestones of older kids, but to be honest, I never know what is going to make me sad in a conversation, so how can I expect others to know. It's been a little over 2 years now, people's lives have moved forward, and so have ours, as little as that movement may seem to us. I want to be with people. I want to have friends. I want to be liked and not pitied. I want to be a friend. I don't have my girl with me anymore and I want to have girl time, but it's hard. I smile and try, but I'm not healed. I'm not sure if/when that will happen. It's probably hard to be my friend. I'm still very sensitive; sad; withdrawn at times; intimidated by crowds, situations; worried over who I'll see or what will make me retreat; acutely thankful for the smaller things in life, but not thankful for a lot of things I think I should see as blessings; having trouble being happy for other's happiness aka selfish; aka still a mess.
I'm not sure who I am anymore, and I kinda don't remember who I was before August 8, 2013. Heck, I was asked the other night how old Sydni would be and I couldn't remember! Who doesn't know how old their children are? I was floored when I realized she would be 19. NINETEEN! How did she get that old and why did I not remember this? She's had birthdays! It's because she's forever 16, 11 days shy of her 17th birthday, still attending BHHS and graduating this next year. She plans to attend A&M, drives a little sports car (sometimes too fast) and you're sure to see her cruising down 3180 headed to a friend's house. We led a typical, imperfect life here at the Lewis home, and now it's gone.
I think about her all day everyday, probably more than most parents think about their living children, and I don't even know how old she would be...

   Things I've accomplished. I bought my first new decorative things for my house (some wall stuff) since Sydni died. I sang for the first time in church a few weeks ago. I am going to the gym (4 weeks so far) which I'm proud of...but there's a catch lol. I'm going at 5am so to avoid as much emotion as possible. Not sure how long that early morning gig will last but I am trying! I'm trying to live life. I'm trying to gain more of a hold on my footing. I am trying...

My beautiful SydniDrew, I'm sorry its been awhile since I last wrote to you here. It's harder to write, but maybe that's because we are growing strength. Landon is in the playoffs again for TIFI football and overall has had the best year yet since you left. He's in SIXTH grade now! And growing up. He didn't go to Homecoming this year. He's not nearly as social as you were at his age, but he's becoming such a wonderful young man <3 You'd be so proud of him! Dad is okay but he struggles and misses you just as much as me. We are both going to the gym and I'm getting up at 4:30am!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? ME! lOl  Kimmie still sends me good morning texts almost daily and Michael is there for dad too. So grateful for their friendships <3. I still wish for you, think of you, most of my time. How can I ever give up? I'm your mom! We are going to GriefShare at church and have met some really nice people. Bro Danny loves and misses you too! He talks about you a lot <3
How is Heaven? Busy? Do you walk or float? Are there seasons? Do you sleep? Eat? Have a house? What does God look like? I'm sad not to be able to share with you what each of us is experiencing. I can't wait to see you... I miss all of you...
X's & O's Sydni. You are my forever person💞

God Makes No Mistakes

"God makes no mistakes." I like this phrase for many reasons. 

I have heard so many times that "God has a plan", that "our loved ones are in a better place," that "things happen for a reason." These phrases speak to the death of my beautiful daughter to me, but not of her life. To hear "God makes no mistakes" allows for the possibility, the fact that I WAS supposed to be her mom, that she WAS supposed to be our daughter and sister. But even bigger than that...that our life with her, her life specifically, wasn't a mistake. That in LIFE and in death, it was as it was meant to be. It may be as simple as how it's written, but for me, it is a balance of her life as well as her death, a balance of feelings that I can deal with.

 

Mothers Day. Number two without Sydni, and it was again difficult. I think any holiday or hilite in a grieving family's life, seemingly big or small, is exasperated/expounded by the fact that we now have the technology of social media. It's so difficult to avoid what you feel about daily or life events because it slaps you from every direction thanks to smart phones and apps. On the flip side, it provides a way to keep in touch with friends and society, as well it serves as a forum in which to keep your child's memory publicly alive as long as you can. I am beginning to feel some discomfort in posting pics and feelings I might be having on a given day, not by anyone, just me. Perhaps it's the intellect that sees first that it's time to let it go, without the rest of your being being able to catch up. The fact is that life has moved on, even if we haven't been able to keep up the pace.

What does suicide look like? 

I have observed so many teens over these 2 years, watching strangers from a distance, talking to her friends and different kids I've met, but always wondering, wasn't Sydni just like you?? 

I wish I had answers or great advice to give people about what it looks like before your child takes their life....but I don't! Is it the awkward kid who sits silently at his/her desk? Is it the the "nerd" whose intellect keeps him from connecting with most? Is it the outgoing, always bubbly person who hides their pain?? 

Lyn pointed out that all three families that have lost children to suicide in the past 2 years came from stable, religious, two parent (meaning no divorce) homes, and all were first borns. Do we place too many expectations on those firsts? Do they feel more pressure to succeed and please? I am a first born and I know that there was a lot of responsibility that was given to me because. Is it that we as parents don't really know what we're doing that first time around, and sometimes even the second?? I wish kids could understand that most of us really do do the best we know how, and that we make mistakes just like everyone. I wish Sydni could've understood that I gave everything I had to be the best I could be, for her...and for Landon.

I am a perfectionist by nature, always wanting everything to be just right for everyone around me, but it comes with a price. I in no way think that "I" am perfect, quite the opposite, which is the problem! I'm not sure if I was born a perfectionist, or if my own childhood experiences drew me to the control that is required and demanded by such a personality type. I know that it plays a large role in my relationships...and my parenting. I never wanted Sydni to know too much of my "dark side" and the bad things I had done as a young adult, the rebel I was, the pain and anger I tried to "party" my way thru. Would things have turned out differently if I had shared more with her? ...as parents, we didn't drink, we didn't drug or cuss, we raised our children in the church. We made a home as "perfect" as we knew how for her. Was that where we went wrong? They were conscious and deliberate decisions. She was the beginning of what Lyn and I had always desired..a commitment to each other and to our children. 

I was mean sometimes, disappointed sometimes, hurt sometimes...all feelings I brought with me from my own upbringing and experiences. Was it too much? Does it justify the means? I LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING INSIDE ME! Do you hear that? Didn't you feel that? Didn't you KNOW that?? These words make me sob. I love you Sydni. I tried Sydni. And I secretly think that if I write long enough and yearn hard enough, that you will somehow come back for me. Perhaps I've gone mad, or maybe I'm doing all I can do to stay alive. It is a strange place to be and describe, the place between the rational and ???, between the insane madness and unbelievable truth of reality. I pray you never know how it feels. 

Grief is like being in the belly of a whale, the darkness there so completely isolating and suffocating, your future unknown. How alone Jonah must have felt. He needed God to rescue him, just as I do now. I have seen the Power of God. I've seen Him speak life into existence and I've seen Him take it back. I have experienced the blessings of Christ, but it is SO difficult for me to see the mercy and grace He has for me. I feel...condemned. 

As we ended our counseling session a few months ago I thought we might be nearing the end of our need for therapy. It was a bit awkward, with less to say than any other time we had gone in all these months. I sensed silently that maybe we had finally come to the place where we didn't need it anymore. But just as sure as you think you might have a grip on grief and life and how to "live" again, you find out you're wrong.

The last several months have marked some of their own lows, trying to complete Sydni's headstone, having to see and hear once again upcoming graduations, college preparations, the despair of losing another student to suicide, just to name a few. I almost immediately got texts and messages from friends of Sydni's after the death of another BH student, distraught and reliving the horror, confusion and pain they had already experienced twice less than two years ago. I know that I too felt many of those same emotions, without even knowing the young man who had decided to...  . How can I fill in that blank or finish that sentence when I have no understanding of the COMPLETE loss of hope these kids find themselves in? I feel in some way that I have failed yet again (insert failed perfectionism here :/ ), to emotionally connect and convey to young people that this is NOT the answer, and that you are leaving those that love you behind to endure a living death sentence! Then I think, how crazy of me to think that I could ever write or show anything that might change someone's mind and keep them from doing what they, in desperation, feel they need to do...I had hoped though.

How to describe where we are in this truly endless process... As I sit here and ponder what I would write next, I have no new take on it, but I think I've written this before. The feelings of despair and loss are ever present in our daily lives. Will it ever profoundly change? Will we ever stop thinking about her daily, hourly, minute by minute? I often ask myself how much longer before I feel better? Like really better? Like my old self, a part of the world, a sense of normal where being with a friend or group gathering isn't awkward, where seeing a mom hug her daughter doesn't send me reeling, where someone casually talking about their child's accomplishments doesn't make me want to run and cry. Maybe it comes in such minute steps that you don't see it as "aha" moments. 

I can say that at 2 years, we are NOT where we were when this started or a year ago. 

I think that the vividness of memories, as I've described before as fading, has to diminish with time. I think that it is the only way in which those left behind can continue on. It is unwanted but necessary for survival.

The hardest thing to do is to fuse all these emotions, facts, variables, Biblical truths, and questions into one straight line, a complete sentence that brings peace.

We find ourselves literally clinging to the simplest of distractions, sports practices and games, school functions, the occasional vacations we call "escapes" that we have indulged ourselves with, because there is no longer a big picture to life, not like before. I call this "short term happiness." We no longer have long term goals and dreams that parents patiently ready themselves for, make sacrifices for, and rely on during the "down" times of this life. We are now just surviving the day by day. Yes, we have Landon, and thank God for that!, but our dreams and goals as parents, began with Sydni. Even some of the dreams we had for Landon involved her; how Sydni would pave the way for her brother and nurture him, talk to him, as only a sibling can; where they might go to college; how close they might live to us or one another; how they would hopefully have kids and be close and take care of each other once we were gone. 

After the dust settles, the fact is that your child WILL be forgotten. They will never have children of their own. There will eventually be nothing left of them to carry on. 

I had a strange thought the other day that brought me to tears. It wasn't one of those "who would she be" or "what would she do with her life" thoughts, but...what would she look like in 10 years?  I saw one of Sydni's friends sub'ing at Landon's school this past May, and I thought how much she had grown and matured. I won't ever get to see what might have been...Like I will never know what she would look like as an adult, as a mother. She wasn't even through growing!  She would/will be 19 on the 19th :( I know I've said it before, but moments like this are so overwhelming for me. What she did was SO final, and sometimes the finality of that catches me infinitely aware.
Death of a child, no matter the manner, is so unique, so unfulfilling for the family. What do you think of as you carry your baby nine months but the dreams and promise they hold. That is shattered in the wake of their death.

I know that I will see, and be with Sydni again. That scares me and makes me happy at the same time. It scares me because I don't know exactly what that looks like. I don't know for sure what our meeting in Heaven will look like, or what our forever lives will be like. I am only human, and my earthly expectations and desires are limited. It's about faith.
I was always the scared one! Roller coasters, bungee jumping, parasailing, even a ferris wheel! I so SO admired Sydni's courage and adventurous side to try new things and be so fearless. She would always ride any ride, or jump off anything. I just wish she would've been more afraid to die... How do you not be afraid to die??? 

 

My SydniDrew, I miss you so much! I finally watched Fault in Our Stars and I wished you were with me, cuddling in my bed with me while we watched it together. So many phrases in that movie I could relate to, but one quote, "pain demands to be felt" speaks to me and I suppose to you so profoundly. I'm sorry I didn't see. What you did was so very final.

I don't know that I will blog again for a while, so Happy 19th Birthday! Wow! 19 :/ Who would you be now? We as adults think 19 is so young, and it is! but you would've grown so much too. It is weird not having any current pictures to post for you big day. That is hard for me. 

How could I EVER describe in words or text what you mean to me????????? There are not enough letters or punctuation in ANY language that could touch what I want to say that I feel. 

Heaven is probably so awesome that you are just...idk...doin your Sydni thang! 

I do know you MUST keep everyone smiling with your great personality and kind heart. I wish you would visit me in my dreams. 

We are okay! Don't worry bout us! Just be there when we get there, okay?? Kinda like meeting us at the airport :) You can make a sign if you want to!! ...with a BIG pink heart💗so we'll know it's you faster! :)))))

I went to dinner with Sarah. She's doing great! Kelcy went abroad. I know, shocker!!! Lol   ALL your friends are good and keeping in touch💞 I have appreciated it so much!!

Bubba is playing football. Senior year in TIFI and is doing good. Dad is a rock. Puts up with me still...and misses you as much as I do. 

Why do I write these to you? 

I just miss talking to you. Touching you. Smelling you. ...........I miss you. 

I guess I write these because thru my tears I am crying out right now...this is not real life :( ... just as I did on the day you left. 

It is real life, but it isn't at the same time......

Miss you. Love you. ...wish you were here :/

The Cable Box

   Type, erase. Type, walk away. I can't count how many times I jot down thoughts and then decide against publishing them or just delete them. I wish I had an audio recorder in my head to truly share the ongoing YouTube like soundtracks that play each day. It's a jumbled mess of emotions that jump from one scene to the next depending on my mood, "memory of the moment," or location.  I think, what more can I share, but then I remember why I write these, and honestly, it's for my healing as much as anything else. It's a release, regardless of it redundancy, just somewhere and some way to relieve my brain and heart of "swelling" from pain and sorrow. My "goal" if you will, in sharing these chronicles instead of just journaling them, would be to help someone, if that's possible. 

   So many events, both big and small have happened since my last blog; we went on vacation for Christmas, I was honored to go to a mother/daughter tea, and blessed by a friend who named her baby after SydniDrew (middle name only). I'd be lying if I said that each one of these "bigger" events wasn't hard, but those are sometimes the ones you can plan for, expecting the sadness that will be, but being able to also prepare and give thought to the opportunity and love and even joy that they bring. Most of the time, it's the small, unexpected trials that bring you to your knees...the ones you don't see coming.

   Who knew? Who knew that a simple cable box could evoke so much emotion in a person, but it did. We upgraded our Dish system and I had to turn in Sydni's cable box, still sitting there on her dresser, plugged in and waiting...waiting all these 19 months for her to come home. It stabbed my heart like a dagger to pull the plug from the wall. It was just another painful reminder of something I have yet to obviously FULLY grasp...that she won't be coming home again. 

    Heaven is reserved, for our grandparents and eventually our parents. We imagine ourselves reuniting with them someday when we become those elderly people, but Heaven is not somewhere we envision our children will be before us. Christian parents encourage and teach about Christ's sacrifice and our redemption at the cross, but Heaven is in the far off future, save for the 2nd Coming, a place you prepare for, but never anticipate, until after a long, full life.

   There are moments of clarity for me, times when I can see thru the fog of grief, but always ever mindful of my role and duty to SydniDrew and all that her life and love mean to me. I never want to dishonor or belittle the magnitude of what she brought to us. I never want anyone to think that I have forgotten or feel no more pain, and I'm trying to understand how to be happy, even just smile, while being thoughtful to her memory at the same time. It seems simple enough, but it is not. I was her mom. I am her mom. I loved her then as I do this very day, completely and fully. I miss her now as much as I did that very day she left, but I am here, and I grow tired, exhausted trying to remain where I was and want to be, and where I am now. I don't know what she would want for me, for us. I can assume a posture that she would want us to be happy and fulfilled in this life, but it of course doesn't always feel that way. That's what suicide brings to the table. It takes away the ability to say that it was not in their control, and that they would be with you if they could, that they would want you to carry on in happiness and peace without them. If that were true why would they leave? It has left me feeling hated and unloved, guilty and punished, unworthy and lost. I realize that some of my questions and thoughts are not intellectual or logical. Some are based purely on emotion. Is the act of attempted or successful suicide logical? 

   My relationship with God has suffered. At first it was where I wanted and needed to be, but as time has gone on, I find church a place of judgement, never by the people there, but by God himself. I'm angry with Him. He could've stopped it. Why would He put us through this? I hear people talk about "God's will" or how God delivered them from disease or a situation and how good He is. Well that's not how I feel. I don't feel any relief, any "good" that has come from losing my daughter. It hasn't enhanced my life in any way that is visible to me. I know God and believe. He knows my heart and I hope He forgives me, even when I fail Him.

   It's been nineteen of the longest and most painful months of my existence. I continue to search for balance; of love and loss, of confusion and clarity, of anger and peace, of guilt and forgiveness, of life without her. Her, my precious firstborn whom I long to call out by name, to hear, to see, to feel and smell. I am another day closer to you, my beautiful and loved SydniDrew <3

Guess what?! :) I love you! 

We are all okay here. I know it's been awhile since I have written, but it's just hard to find new ways to say how much I love and miss you :/ 

PresleyDrew was born and Landon and I got to hold her for like a long time!!! Landon was so gentle with her! How awesome is it that you have a baby named after you?? I don't have anybody named after me! lol well except when brother used to say his name was Landon Becky Lewis! Remember that?? 

I got to go to a sorority tea with Kelcy and Ms Terri too. It was really nice and I had a great time with them. I got to see a dorm room and the Baylor campus. I think you would've LOVED college life!! And I would have loved coming for visits, bugging you and meeting your friends, and prolly cleaning your room for you ;) I miss you and your friends being here. ((crying for real right now))...I miss you like I can't even describe...I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom. I'm sorry I was upset with you. I can't change anything now. You took that away when you left. I pray for you to come back, I see a shadow or something and my heart flutters. You are so loved. Your dad is going to A&M for fire school tomorrow, so watch out for him. He is really sad and anxious about going there. He thought he would be spending some daddy/daughter time with you and treating you like the princess he knows you are <3

Well guess I'll go for now. If you wanna talk you know where I am. Come see me in my dreams....tell me all about your new life. 

I love you, my forever love.