The Cable Box

   Type, erase. Type, walk away. I can't count how many times I jot down thoughts and then decide against publishing them or just delete them. I wish I had an audio recorder in my head to truly share the ongoing YouTube like soundtracks that play each day. It's a jumbled mess of emotions that jump from one scene to the next depending on my mood, "memory of the moment," or location.  I think, what more can I share, but then I remember why I write these, and honestly, it's for my healing as much as anything else. It's a release, regardless of it redundancy, just somewhere and some way to relieve my brain and heart of "swelling" from pain and sorrow. My "goal" if you will, in sharing these chronicles instead of just journaling them, would be to help someone, if that's possible. 

   So many events, both big and small have happened since my last blog; we went on vacation for Christmas, I was honored to go to a mother/daughter tea, and blessed by a friend who named her baby after SydniDrew (middle name only). I'd be lying if I said that each one of these "bigger" events wasn't hard, but those are sometimes the ones you can plan for, expecting the sadness that will be, but being able to also prepare and give thought to the opportunity and love and even joy that they bring. Most of the time, it's the small, unexpected trials that bring you to your knees...the ones you don't see coming.

   Who knew? Who knew that a simple cable box could evoke so much emotion in a person, but it did. We upgraded our Dish system and I had to turn in Sydni's cable box, still sitting there on her dresser, plugged in and waiting...waiting all these 19 months for her to come home. It stabbed my heart like a dagger to pull the plug from the wall. It was just another painful reminder of something I have yet to obviously FULLY grasp...that she won't be coming home again. 

    Heaven is reserved, for our grandparents and eventually our parents. We imagine ourselves reuniting with them someday when we become those elderly people, but Heaven is not somewhere we envision our children will be before us. Christian parents encourage and teach about Christ's sacrifice and our redemption at the cross, but Heaven is in the far off future, save for the 2nd Coming, a place you prepare for, but never anticipate, until after a long, full life.

   There are moments of clarity for me, times when I can see thru the fog of grief, but always ever mindful of my role and duty to SydniDrew and all that her life and love mean to me. I never want to dishonor or belittle the magnitude of what she brought to us. I never want anyone to think that I have forgotten or feel no more pain, and I'm trying to understand how to be happy, even just smile, while being thoughtful to her memory at the same time. It seems simple enough, but it is not. I was her mom. I am her mom. I loved her then as I do this very day, completely and fully. I miss her now as much as I did that very day she left, but I am here, and I grow tired, exhausted trying to remain where I was and want to be, and where I am now. I don't know what she would want for me, for us. I can assume a posture that she would want us to be happy and fulfilled in this life, but it of course doesn't always feel that way. That's what suicide brings to the table. It takes away the ability to say that it was not in their control, and that they would be with you if they could, that they would want you to carry on in happiness and peace without them. If that were true why would they leave? It has left me feeling hated and unloved, guilty and punished, unworthy and lost. I realize that some of my questions and thoughts are not intellectual or logical. Some are based purely on emotion. Is the act of attempted or successful suicide logical? 

   My relationship with God has suffered. At first it was where I wanted and needed to be, but as time has gone on, I find church a place of judgement, never by the people there, but by God himself. I'm angry with Him. He could've stopped it. Why would He put us through this? I hear people talk about "God's will" or how God delivered them from disease or a situation and how good He is. Well that's not how I feel. I don't feel any relief, any "good" that has come from losing my daughter. It hasn't enhanced my life in any way that is visible to me. I know God and believe. He knows my heart and I hope He forgives me, even when I fail Him.

   It's been nineteen of the longest and most painful months of my existence. I continue to search for balance; of love and loss, of confusion and clarity, of anger and peace, of guilt and forgiveness, of life without her. Her, my precious firstborn whom I long to call out by name, to hear, to see, to feel and smell. I am another day closer to you, my beautiful and loved SydniDrew <3

Guess what?! :) I love you! 

We are all okay here. I know it's been awhile since I have written, but it's just hard to find new ways to say how much I love and miss you :/ 

PresleyDrew was born and Landon and I got to hold her for like a long time!!! Landon was so gentle with her! How awesome is it that you have a baby named after you?? I don't have anybody named after me! lol well except when brother used to say his name was Landon Becky Lewis! Remember that?? 

I got to go to a sorority tea with Kelcy and Ms Terri too. It was really nice and I had a great time with them. I got to see a dorm room and the Baylor campus. I think you would've LOVED college life!! And I would have loved coming for visits, bugging you and meeting your friends, and prolly cleaning your room for you ;) I miss you and your friends being here. ((crying for real right now))...I miss you like I can't even describe...I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom. I'm sorry I was upset with you. I can't change anything now. You took that away when you left. I pray for you to come back, I see a shadow or something and my heart flutters. You are so loved. Your dad is going to A&M for fire school tomorrow, so watch out for him. He is really sad and anxious about going there. He thought he would be spending some daddy/daughter time with you and treating you like the princess he knows you are <3

Well guess I'll go for now. If you wanna talk you know where I am. Come see me in my dreams....tell me all about your new life. 

I love you, my forever love.