Well, hello old friend. It's been a long time since I last brought my thoughts to paper (so to speak). It takes a lot of emotional reflection to compose what I feel inside, but what a helpful outlet this blog has been when I've needed it.
It's August again - and with it, a milestone no parent wants. An entire decade. How's that even possible - and yet it seems a million years since I last heard your voice or touched your face. So much has changed. So much has happened. And you should be here for it all...
What's happened for the Lewis's is that we recently moved. We'd decided it was finally time to a couple years ago, but we had to wait on the land to open up where we wanted to go. It seems it was worth the wait (except for interest rates), and I definitely feel God's hand was on the entire process. The move went smoothly. God led me right to our GREAT realtor (now friend), sold our house in first weekend, got over asking price and had a "perfect" inspection! We now have an amazing builder and couldn't be more pleased. We had a little snafu with the land we originally purchased but it worked out in our favor and the new lot ended up being the exact size we had budgeted for. Totally a God thing.
Moving didn't come without a lot of tears and emotion. I found new nuggets from Sydni's life and upbringing, mostly on paper, and pondered over memories of precious things of hers. She was definitely organized! I'm amazed at how many biblical notes she took, either in Sunday School, on mission trips or during church activities. It's apparent how much she loved the Lord and sought to follow Christ. She was also a great writer and artist! I cherish her drawings. The writings are difficult for me - makes my stomach knot up. Idk. We'll try reading them another day.
I let go of some things. We had already re-homed her American Girl dolls and desk, and decided it was time to let go of her "big girl" twin canopy bed that had been preserved in the attic along with her dressers. It was hard of course. I didn't like seeing them there, stacked against the wall, waiting to be picked up. So much love - so much pain. I managed to purge a lot but there's still so much left. I'd saved so many treasures from when she was a baby on up - with the thought she'd love to see or have those things someday when she started her own family. I think my Grammie instilled that in me. She was always diligent to write on backs of every picture she had, who was in the photo, what the moment represented, and the date. Every little gift she gave was dated as well, and always included a bible verse and her love. xo
I'm relieved to be away from our home we shared with Sydni. I feel I have more choice over how I grieve going forward. It hasn't made me think of her less, but I don't have to breathe, in the space and sorrow of what happened. I don't know if I'll ever be "happy" we left, but at least for now, my emotion is relief - or maybe I still find it hard to use that word happy? Happy = forgotten.
The emotions of sadness have shifted over the last year or so. I don't "live" in the grief anymore, but the peaks of grief can be strong and debilitating when they come. There weren't as many highs and lows before, I just was the grief. I try and flee the waves of strong emotions when they hit. I feel I'm in a kind of survival mode. I can't continue the way I was. It's unsustainable. I forget how many stages of grief they say there are, but I'd say there's a million - and counting...
Overall, I'd give us a grade of good. We're doing good - and that's better than okay. Landon will start his sophomore year at A&M, Lyn's still pluggin' away at work and I'm busy with house stuff. I'm looking forward to finding ways to sprinkle some Sydni-ness into our new place. I'll definitely be writing scriptures above doorways and may tuck a few mementos in the walls. She'll be a part of us to my last breath, here, and beyond.
My heart aches. My tears fall. I miss her always. I love her so......
Ah, SydniDrew, it's been so long since I've written you. I don't even know where to start. Landon is going to college - A&M even _ just like you'd planned to! He doesn't say it, but he misses you. Dad is good. He's ready to retire and relax a bit. He struggles at times and could use some whispers "I love you" if it's possible. I'm hanging in there. We've moved and living in the camper. Eww lol
Kelcy, Catherine & Fallon just had babies! Unreal right? A lot of your friends are married now too. I wish you were here. I wish I could share those experiences with you.
How's Heaven been? Meet any new, cool people lately? Lot and Moses have gotta be top picks for me! I bet you've charmed the socks off 'em all.....you're just that special. I'm so blessed to be your mom. Don't forget me.
xoxo, Mom
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