I'm not really sure where to start here. Where does one begin, to tell the story of incredible, indescribable loss, and immeasurable love? I certainly, at this point, have no great wisdom, no answers as to why. I have been left here to deal with the gaping hole in my heart, the space that will undoubtedly remain unfulfilled, until I reach my true home, where God is...where my Sydni is...where my whys will be answered and its purpose revealed, but until then, I remain.
  My purpose in sharing this blog is in hopes that, thru my journey, I might, and Sydni might, be able to help someone. That is what we would both want. Ohhh how I love her, how I miss her eyes, her smile, her soft hands in mine, her silliness, her love. Just 16, with so much of life ahead. What happened Syd?
  I have been frozen in time for 7 weeks and 5 days. There have been days that it has seemed that I could go on no longer. I am sure there will be many more of these to come. I now know the sting of suicide, and the heavy load it has laid on me as I question myself as a parent and a person. She was under our care, our protection. That was God's call to us, be we failed. I failed. I was the closest to and didn't know. How do I live with that? How do I move forward when i want so desperately to hold on to the past? It's all I have left of her. I have no future with her, not in this life. There is nothing I want but to have her back, to hug and talk with her, to kiss and snuggle with her, to just be in her presence.
If only...
  I can't bare to look at pictures yet, can't listen to most music, and don't dare peek at her Facebook page or Instagram. I don't know why these are so painful when all i want to do is stare at her and remember the wonderful moments in her life, of our lives together. For now, all i remember are the hard times. She haunts me, and i believe it's because of the way she left us, the ugliest of ways, with a lifetime of confusion and guilt left behind. I am not mad at her, but i feel hurt. I feel tremendous, overwhelming guilt and sadness. I feel betrayed. My heart breaks for my son, who deserved none of this, who only loves his YaYa and wants her back. My heart aches for my husband, who mourns so deeply the loss of his baby girl. We just don't understand Sydni. No one saw it coming.