The struggles of my head and heart.

   The thing about suicide is that you are left to your own conclusions, at least for me. There were no real warning signs, no red flags, no cries for help, no note to the reason why. Only events that I describe as "teachable moments." Yes, she was on Prozac, but for what I believed was impulsivity and anxiety control. I hear the word depression and almost cringe, and I don't know why. Is it because that makes me feel more responsible, guilty? That I didn't get her the help she needed? I just never thought of my daughter as having depression. She never ever told me she wanted to hurt herself or die. Of course, she did go through lows as we all do, not making cheer, break-ups, getting in trouble, but nothing that indicated to me that she lived with depression. She wasn't someone who was reclusive or sad and mopey or introverted. She was vibrant and loving and loud and silly...and I thought happy, for the most part. Is that ME, not seeing the signs...making excuses for what I should have known? Am I in denial? Am I ashamed? Why can I not just say or accept that she had depression? It just doesn't fit for me, and I don't know why! I have been depressed. I AM depressed, but I don't know that I think I suffer from depression. I guess I believe that we all, at times in our lives, go through things that make us sad, and lonely, and maybe even make us not want to be here anymore, but those are thoughts. You also know that you will get through it, that you have to just keep plugging along, trust in God, and know there WILL be a brighter day, if not tomorrow, someday!
   This is the kind of rambling and confusion that goes on in my head hourly, daily.
   I hope and pray that I have not offended anyone with this. This is just my journey, nothing more. I am not attempting to belittle or downplay anyone's beliefs or feelings on this issue. I have friends, family that suffer with depression. I am just sharing with those who choose to read, what is going on inside my head and my heart, and the struggle of losing my baby girl. I do believe that in those final hours, and possibly in those last few days, that Sydni was depressed. I don't know if it was an accumulation of things or one particular thing. She got grounded from her car and phone the night before it happened. I may never know what else played it's fatal song inside her head to make her take her life, but I do know that if anyone else thinks that their life is worth taking over any of the things I have mentioned...it's NOT true! You CAN and WILL get through what is happening, I promise it! God promises it! Don't let Satan tell you life is not worth living. He is a liar and a thief. You are precious to those around you. They NEED YOU HERE. Don't be afraid to share with someone what you are feeling. The people that love you would want nothing more than to help you, no matter what is going on between you, even those who are maybe not that close! Just share with one person...just one could make all the difference in your life. I have no answers to everything, to anything, but I will talk with you!

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5, 6-7

   I miss you so desperately SydniDrew. I wish I had another chance to relive that day. Please help me, help someone. I'm nervous to write these. I'm just so sad here without you.