I have decided that you will do whatever it takes. whatever the cost. to avoid the painful.
As I have shared, I do not look at pictures, reminders of how beautiful, and happy, the one we lost was, or listen to music that Syd and I used to have SO much fun jamming to together, and I don't dare go in her room, the unsafe place for me. In keeping with these things, we have decided to leave for Christmas. We have endured three birthdays since this happened, hers, mine, and Landon's. Thanksgiving might not be too bad, but I am sure it will come with its own reminders and sadness, but Christmas...that's gonna be a tough one. We have decided on Colorado to "get away" from it all. Landon has never ski'd and Lyn, Sydni and I only once, when she was very small. It will require another loan to pay for it, but what else can you do when you can't deal with the void? I have very mixed emotions about going, leaving our grieving, extended families behind, but at the same time, relieved that we won't spoil everyone's celebrations and fun. More than that tho, we will be leaving without our Sydni. It just seems so unnatural to go away without her. I feel like I'm betraying her. I feel sadness. I feel guilt.
Guilt, that word, that feeling, that "thing" that has me in its grip almost every second of every day. I pray for it to leave me alone.
There are many weird feelings that have taken over, and I'm not sure if it is because of "suicide." I can look at pictures in my house, that were there before, but not anything on FB beyond what stares at me when I post. I can't look at Instagram, Twitter, or the millions of pics on my computer, but then love seeing a picture or profile pic that a friend may have posted. As if these confusing, conflicting thoughts weren't enough , Sydni's "stuff" is just as complicated, if not more, to me. I went to Women of Joy, my first trip away from her, from my family, and was unsure if it was appropriate for me to use her suitcase (cuz she is the only one with anything nice lOl). I didn't use it. Then there was her necklace, one that was given back to us that she had been wearing. I had noticed that it had a tiny bit of blood on it when it was returned, and refused to wash it off, the last little bit of her that remained. I had left it, for almost 2 months, hanging on a picture of her in my bathroom, longing to put it on just to feel closer to her, to have something of her with me, to somehow bond with her again. I put it on to wear when I left for my trip, and still have it on. But I have so many moments, too many, where I think she would NOT want me wearing it...that she was mad at me, that she didn't like me when she died, and therefore doesn't want anything more to do with me. Like I feel physically sick to my stomach to think about it. Weird right?! Is this what suicide has done for me, to me?! There are other things too...her clothes that we used to share, her furniture in her room. Just certain things that are triggers for me, that I just can't figure out what to do with.
I wish I knew if she loved me, that she was okay, that she was okay with me and how I am handling life without her. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT! I pray it leaves me someday, someday soon.
I hope and pray you know how much you were loved by me SydniDrew. There is a hole in my heart since you left, and it will never be filled. I learned at the conference that I can't make YOU my goal for Heaven, but let my focus be on God. I am not there yet. For now, it is just you I want to be with. I hope He understands and forgives me. All my love..forever <3
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ReplyDeleteYeah, I removed my first attempt at commenting because I read it and it sounded lame... I'm not that good at this.
ReplyDeleteI've now typed and retyped and erased because I cannot get the concepts running around inside my head to line up in something that makes sense here. I will pray for you guys and know that in God's time He will bring healing and peace.
Becky, I wish I could say something to make your heartache lighter, but I know I can't. Just believe me when I say Sydni loved you more than you will ever know, and she still does. All of us have had times in our lives that made us think our children hate us. It just goes with being a parent. But, Sydni loved you. You are her mom. I know she doesn't want you to feel the guilt you feel. And, she is always with you. Now and forever. I do hope ya'll still plan to come for Thanksgiving. I'm planning on it. We would love for ya'll to spend several days with us instead of going home the same day. We have plenty of room, so please think about it. I love ya'll very much, and ya'll are in my prayers and thoughts every minute of every day.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would love to stay for a few days, for forever really :) I will let you know soon, after I talk to Lyn. Love you all!!!! Looking forward to seeing you.
DeletePs..I got Lyn an official Cowboys t-shirt that I am sure he will want to show off for the game on Thanksgiving ;)
Love and prayers my precious Becky. Aunt Tricia
ReplyDeleteI wish, as a survivor myself, that I knew exactly what to say. But our losses are very different so my coping skills would not work for you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this could help? http://www.afsp.org/local-chapters/find-your-local-chapter/afsp-greater-houston-area/outreach-to-survivors-of-suicide-loss
Or, this is the group I used for support group meetings. I am not sure of the meeting schedule anymore, but I would be more than happy to meet you at a meeting. http://www.afsp.org/local-chapters/find-your-local-chapter/afsp-greater-houston-area/outreach-to-survivors-of-suicide-loss
Continued prayers for you and your family. I wish I could tell you the guilt will go away, but after 7 years I still feel incredibly guilty. I hope that doesn't sadden you more, I'm just being honest.
Nicole Courtney
nicolercourtney@gmail.com
Becky, when I start focusing on the last hours with my Madi I remind myself that "I have seen this video, I don't need to watch the reruns" and I consciously pull a happy memory forward and move that one back. That doesn't mean I am ignoring the fact that she is gone but I don't need to dwell on that one aspect. When I find myself so sad and lonely without her, I start thinking on how lucky I was to have her for so many years. Although I cannot understand your grief, I can tell you that Sydni loved you. She would want you to be happy and to dwell on her love for you. She made a terrible decision that affected so many people (just like Madi). If she thought beyond her actions, she would not have done what she did. I do know that because I met her and I know that both she and Madi would hate to see us all so sad. We all handle this process differently and there is no one right way. When it is right for you, you will be able to look at her things and her photos. There is no hurry. I received Madi's phone and the police report a month ago and still have not looked at either. I am not ready and it is not time for me to do it. We all move through this at our own pace and there is no race and there is no finish line. Our sadness will be with us our whole lives but it will be different as the years go on. Not less sad but different sad. I am thinking of you and praying for your peace. ~ Suzanne
ReplyDeleteI think it is wonderful that you all are going away. Yes, it will be sad and it will be different. But, you are taking Syndi with you in your hearts and although she will not be with you physically she will always be with you spiritually. Sometimes I just set Madi up on my shoulder and take her with me when I go someplace new or someplace she would have liked. I even talk to her most days. Sydni will always be a part of you as you will always be a part of her. Again, I know she loves you. As far as knowing that she is ok, I know exactly what you mean. I said one night that since Bill Gates is probably in the same place as the girls, they are probably bugging the crap out of him to come up with an app to text from Heaven. I know when that happens, I will get that app. Until then, I believe our girls are having a great time where they are and know that eventually we will understand that our tears are for ourselves and not for them.
Suzanne, I seriously think you should blog with me. Your words are poetic! I love the app idea <3 I honestly didn't know Bill Gates had died, but Steve Jobs is there too, so I am positive Syd is hitting him up for the latest iPhone so she can call everyone! Love that :)
DeleteAnd yes, I do think me tears, sometimes, are selfish. I feel I am throwing a pity party for myself, but I am just so so sad and lost without my mini-me. I am gonna work on it tho. It IS what they would want :))))
Love you Suzanne <3