What should have been is not what is.

   It seems like so much has happened since my last post, yet everything remains the same...my daughter is not here, our family is still broken, and I am still struggling to begin each day. What should have been, is not what is anymore.
I have been depressed the last couple of days, like the kind where you don't want to get out of bed or try, try to do life. It seems more than sadness, more than grief or anger or wonder. I just don't care right now. I feel like I am just wandering through this life, with no purpose, no hope, nothing to look forward to...just don't care. I feel expendable, of non importance, and I wonder if this is how Sydni felt in those final hours of her precious life. 
   I went to Canton a few weeks ago. I saw so many mommy/daughters, so many little girls running around in their tutu's and big bows, just like my little girl. I stood behind one teen in line to buy something, and her hair, the back of her head, looked so much like Sydni. I had the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch her, even hug her from behind. Oh God, how I miss her. I want to feel her, hear her, tell her I love her. PLEASE someone make that happen for me..anyone. I need her back. It's been long enough. Have I not been punished enough now? I promise I would do better, be better...whatever it takes Lord. 
   I have begun to clean out her room. I have to. I don't want to, but I need to. I started 2 weeks ago actually, but haven't been going in there for the past week or so. I am having some kind of emotional block that won't allow me to. I will wait...and hope that this passes. I ponder over every detail, every piece of clothing, every scrap of paper, right down to her toothbrush and hairbrush. It is so beyond extremely hard, but it's my duty, I feel. No one can do it but me. I'm her mother. I have tried to pick out things for her close friends, things that I hope and pray can give them some kind of comfort when seeing or touching or even wearing them, but things that are personal just for them. If there is something special you would like, please let me know, and I will do my best to oblige.
I have succeeded in washing my daughter's clothes for the very last time, again, paying the utmost attention to every detail of them. It is so terribly hard pulling your child's clothes from the dryer and knowing that that is the last time, ever, you will experience that. Weird right, to think of laundry like that?! But it is my reality. 
   Landon is struggling, and lashing out at times. I won't go into specifics, as they are his feelings and thoughts, and not mine to tell, but he has said some hurtful things, things that he may or may not truly believe, but that let Lyn and I know that he is hurting deeply over the loss of his sister, his YaYa. He continues to struggle with sports as well, and is certainly heartbreaking for Lyn and I as parents. Selfishly, we would like him to play because we derive some enjoyment and maybe even a glimpse of happiness from watching him perform, but unselfishly, we know that he loved sports before this and want him to be okay and enjoy the things that he loved so much again. I worry for him. I worry that something bad will now happen to him too. I have lost all confidence in myself as a parent. I pray he will be alright again soon. I pray he will.
   Lyn is our rock, our savior thru all this. He is a wonderful, caring and giving man, but I know I am wearing thin on him as I openly grieve everyday. He hurts. And I'm not sure that he is able to grieve as he needs to because of me and Landon. I try to be there for him, but it always goes back to him caring for us and our needs. It makes me want to retreat, to hide my feelings, to not share, but I'm not built that way, so it becomes a battle for me being so sad and then me not hardly speaking. Nothing but nothing is right here anymore.
   Acceptance is what I need, in all aspects of this new journey. I want/need acceptance from my peers. There is nothing worse than feeling shameful after someone walks by you and stares, or walks by you and purposely avoids you. It hurts. And it just seems to validate what we, as parents of suicide feel inside, that we MUST have been bad parents. I can tell you there are more days than not that I feel like a loser, a failure, and yes...a bad parent.
I will say tho, that having experienced the above, I have also experienced friendships that I will NEVER forget. I been been blessed to feel love coming at me from all different directions, and have felt acceptance. I tear up at writing this, because it is so necessary, so essential, for carrying on, as I must. 
Acceptance also means that I must accept that Sydni may not have liked me when she died, but I have to stop worrying about what she thought of me. I loved her, that's all I know, and that's all that matters. If I can move passed whatever I think she felt about me and just focus on my love for her, I will be better. It doesn't matter what she thought or felt, I loved her, and I can't let Satan take that from me. 
   I tell myself lately that she made a mistake. She made a terrible mistake, either not trusting in God, not believing in our love for her, not thinking clearly that things will ALWAYS get better, just a mistake. It doesn't stick with me very long, as I always return to guilt, but I do like the way it sounds. It was just a moment of error, of miscalculation on her part. This mistake just has permanent consequences for all of us. Please think on this if you ever find yourself in a position to do something hurtful to yourself, please.

"This is the victory that conquers the world...our faith." I John 5:4

   My beautiful SydniDrew. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been too sad. I was not able to make it to the baby shower, but I got a good gift I think you would approve of. I know you are happy and well and I hope you think of us sometimes. I think about you ALL of my waking moments still. If you want to reach me in a dream or something and let me know you are there, I would really love that. Maybe you could ask God to let you come back now?! Just sayin'...but I know. I miss you more than I have heartbeats for.  <3 Mom