This is definitely a storm. Worse than any storm I've ever encountered.
I discovered this past week that I may be slowly forgetting. I went to bunco and my friend's daughter came bouncing in toward the end of our night. So bubbly, so alive, so happy and playful with us..just like Sydni was. I could have sat and stared at her all night, the rest of my life even, just closed my eyes and listened to the ramblings of a beautiful teenage girl. Oh how I miss that. How could I forget how much life she brought to us?
I won't lie, every single day for us is a struggle. We just go through the motions of the day, because that's all you can do. Still unable to clean her room anymore. Still can't look at pictures, listen to most music. I did make it to her grave to change out flowers for Christmas and to hang a couple ornaments. I saw where others had decorated for their loved ones; little Christmas picks and candy canes and such, but I just can't yet. Don't know if that's anger or guilt, but I'm just not there. When does this become easier? Maybe after the holidays? I seem to be forever making those kind of assumptions in these thoughts I write. If I can just get through "????" then it will ease up, but truth be told, it hasn't really worked yet. I feel so useless, of no great value in the big scheme of life. Lyn says he feels the same way.
I remember when I was younger that I would "make deals" with God. If He would make x, y or z happen, then I would know it was a sign from Him. Funny thing is, when it wasn't the sign I desired, I would try again, hoping to get MY way. I'm not sure I believe in any "signs" anymore, maybe never did. Not sure I would get a "sign" from Sydni even if it was possible. I got a cocoa mug out the other night and had walked away, when I heard this clank from inside the cabinet. I went back to look and another, taller coffee mug had tipped over. I picked it up and on the outside it read "know that you are loved dearly and are prayed for every day." No lie. This really happened. My initial thought was it was Sydni sending me a message, but it took little time for me to discount it as just a cup that fell over and nothing more. I think I have just become so desperate to hear from someone that I will not.
18 weeks, 2 days...
Sunday
I went in Sydni's room this morning and bawled. Looked at the pictures on her wall and cried out. Today, I can't believe this is real. Today, I can not wrap my head and heart around the fact that I will never see her again...today.
Who am I anymore? Who have I become? What is my purpose in this world? Where is the meaning in all this pain and aching in our souls? I think the impending holiday is getting to me...today.
My SydniDrew, I don't know that I have anything to say today. I know you are happy and we are glad for that. We are sad and weak and lonely here. Please tell God we will keep going and praying and believing that things will get better, but if He could speed it up a bit, we wouldn't mind. We think of you every minute of every day. I hope now that you know how loved you were...by so many.
Megz gave me a tassel to put in your cedar chest cuz she got 2 for us! I know you are grateful, as am I. I hope you think of us sometimes.
Nee nuh noo Ninni <3
Oh, how I hurt for you. I am thinking of you 3. Curtis asked me the other day if I had texted you, and I was sad to say I hadn't. We get so busy in our lives, focused on ourselves, on our families, we forget to reach out. I have to say I'm sorry. I do think of you all everyday and tell myself I need to send you some love. Know that you are loved so much by so many. You, Lyn, and Landon are in our thoughts daily. You all will get through this. Time is the only healing balm. I don't know your pain, I just hope the love we send will help you make it another minute, hour, or day. I do believe this blog will help you heal. If he's not already, maybe Landon will benefit by keeping a journal. Even if it's for his eyes only, just in case he doesn't want mom & dad to see. All I wanted to say really is that I am sorry for not giving you love on a daily basis. He is the great comforter and I am soo glad He died on the cross for us, because He NEVER forgets the love and healing you need. We love you.
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ReplyDeleteThe negative is to blame. Satan is to blame. Satan speaks to us in first person singular to confuse and make us believe his are our own thoughts. Satan cannot enter or possess a believer in Christ but demonic/diabolical attacks can come. Through our own thoughts, we are attacked and when this happens we must exercise our authority, and command the devil to leave. Luke 10:19. Be encouraged, with Christ every battle is winnable, 2 cor 2:14. Society teaches we own our bad thoughts that enter our mind, God states; this is not true. Bad thoughts are sins of the flesh, Colossians 2:13. Recognize them as such and wield the power of Christ. We manifest our own reality by the thoughts that we entertain. Those thoughts create emotions and those emotions cause action or reaction. Visible things were made from things that are invisible though faith, thought, emotion, and will. Hebrews 11; 1-3
ReplyDeleteNothing happens by chance. God is in charge of all things. There are NO coincidences. As we are programmed to believe, to discount the strange happenings in life and chalk them up to coincidence. Instead of the great power of God’s control manifesting in our lives. Isaiah 45:7 shows us that God is in charge of all things. Man can never understand the ways of god for god is not human and does not have a human mind. 1 Corinthians 2:11-16
God sends his angels and workers to help and guide the living; these gifts, given to his children, as scripture teaches, are for the believers not the unbelievers.
1 Corinthians 12:10 to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits. 1 Corinthians 13:2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 14:1 Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit, especially prophecy. 1 Corinthians 14:6 1 Corinthians 14:22 Tongues, then, are a sign, not for believers but for unbelievers; prophecy, however, is not for unbelievers but for believers.
Society embraces coincidence instead of God and demonizes prophecy. The gift of Prophecy, discernment of spirit and heavenly helpers are sent by God to help his children. God’s ultimate power and control is embodied in these gifts. Humans ignore many of the gifts sent by God.
An inability to pray is Satan doing his best to separate ones soul from God while in most need. Deuteronomy 11
Be joyful in hope and faith, patience in affliction and constant in prayer. Romans 12:12
All the how’s and whys are futile and will never change what’s done. The why and how always lead to blame and despair. Do not judge yourself, blame yourself, nor anguish or languish in the how and why.
Instead push those lies of Satan aside and bring forward, embrace and hold onto the beautiful memories, the moments where love, comfort, happiness, hope, and peace reside. Ask God for his mercy; allow him to heal your pain. You have others in the here and now, watching you, depending on you, to show them the way, too. That is your path and purpose; you still have much work to do. Dear God in Jesus name I ask you to be merciful to Becky and her family for she is in distress and needs you most now. Her eyes grow weak with sorrow and her soul and body are filled with grief. Hold onto them tightly and show them while they feel they walk alone, the single set of deeply imprinted footprints in the wake of their path are yours, for you carry them in their sorrow and pain.
Psalm 31:9 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.
God bless
Thank you. That was powerful!
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