How many and how are they?

   Well I went to the dermatologist today. Only 2nd time I've ever seen one, first time being right after I had Sydni and my hormones caused my chin to break out something horribly. But today I went for some spots on my back and one on my arm. Sydni had been on me for a while to go and get one on my back checked out and I just kept putting it off. I was nervous, but Landon went with me and he was just awesome. Doctor looked me over, tried to make small talk, and for the first time I was asked "the question"..."so, how many children do you have??" I didn't know what to say! I froze inside, and with barely a pause, for fear he would know I was lying, I said "just one." And immediately I felt..like I betrayed Sydni. It felt wrong. It was just easier. I mean, I wanted to explain to him all that has gone on these past months, but it didn't seem appropriate or relevant to let him into my bubble, my life, my world. I'm so sorry Sydni.
   He said I had 5 basal cell cancer spots, I would live (lol), and that he needed to biopsy them, which of course meant needles, my other and probably biggest fear! But Landon comforted me the whole time. I didn't cry, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for him. I did whine and wince some. It hurt! But all I could think about was that Sydni must have hurt too. It must have hurt a lot to do what she did. Who was I to cry about some stupid shots. Landon kept saying "it's okay mom!" "I'm right here" ...as he held my hand. <3
   I had a bad weekend last week. Not sure what started if, if anything, but Sydni has been in my thoughts constantly every since. We went to Beaumont to play ball for the first time without her. Not sure if that was it or not. I do have a vivid memory of her wadded up in blankets, sleeping on the bleachers at a tournament there. Tourneys can be hard just because of all the teens running around and siblings there watching. Who am I kidding..it's everywhere I go, visions of her doing this or that or just being beside me. I have had 2 people, while at the ballpark, mistaken me for another Sydni's mom in BH and ask me how she is doing. It's beyond hard to get out the words "she's gone, no longer with us, she died" and that they have the wrong Sydni. There are just no rules of etiquette for this kind of situation.
   I felt insecure on this weekend. There has been some tension on our team, and it spills over into personal issues I think, and makes me acutely aware of the failures of my parenting. I so often question my decisions and feelings about what Sydni was doing. Perhaps it wasn't our place to intervene in some aspects of her life. But I also think it would have been irresponsible to condone certain things. Losing a child to suicide will give way to many doubts about yourself, and as I am discovering, doubts about who you really are to other people. We can say that it doesn't matter what others think, but yet relationships help validate our worth.
   There are things that I have noticed that have changed about myself. I avoid public places alone as much as possible. Anything/everything makes me cry. I have extreme anxiety at times to loud noises, loud laughing, screaming, sudden booms or bangs. My head becomes really scrambled and I'm unable to sort it out quickly enough..becomes very chaotic for me. I don't smile much. I don't laugh much. I still find Sydni in literally everything I do, see, touch or smell. I look the "other way" when we pass by the high school. Can't look at where I dropped her off and picked her up so many hundreds of times, or see the door she walked in and out of at school for those 3 years, and the parking lot where we surprised her with her lil sports car. I don't call Sydni by any of her nicknames we had for her. No Syd, Sytni, Sydster, YaYa, none of them. I don't use certain emojis, as I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm too happy or god forbid, laughing. I don't sing in public (and I DO like to sing!) especially at church or at Bo's Place, where we sing Lean On Me every time. I just stand there, in our circle, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, and stare blankly into space or at the floor. It's awkward to say the least.
   We continue to go to grief counseling and Bo's Place. I think there are ways in which things are better, but I'm not sure they are identifiable to me yet. They are different, yet they are exactly the same. Maybe I cry less times a day, but still cry daily. Maybe I have a solid 60 sec where I'm not flooded with her, but she is still there in every other minute of each of my days. Maybe I don't feel as hopeless, but there is still hopelessness. I don't want to let her go, but letting go is inevitable isn't it? This one will be the hardest...

My SydniDrew, summer, and life are not the same without you. I hope you liked the rose pedals we sprinkled on the grave for you graduation night. We went and ate and saw a movie to get away for the evening. We were all really sad, and I know your friends were too. Landon is sleeping some in your room. He says he feels closer to you there :)  We also got a new king bed for our room so he could sleep with us when he needs to. He has bad dreams sometimes. Wish you were here to snuggle with me in it. We are still missing you as much as ever! I think about you constantly. Summer was kinda our season. I miss our pool days. I miss you. Do I ever cross your mind?