I miss everything about you

  

    "Table for how many?" That's what the ask you at a restaurant. Sometimes I have to "make" myself say "just three." It doesn't feel right, or normal. It is one of the times that you truly feel...and SEE the empty, as you sit at a table made for 4, where there are now, only 3  :*(   don't know that I will ever get used to it.     
   The smallest of things remind me of Sydni. EVERY little thing reminds me of her. Standing at my bathroom sink, hearing the toilet upstairs flush, washing a towel that she used to use, cutting her dad's hair, using a bobby pin she lent to me, just everything. When I'm reading a book with Landon, I can always find some parallel to what we are going thru. Even when I play a silly game of Candy Crush it can relate to Sydni! If I'm running out of moves and I know I can't win, I think, God wouldn't want me to quit. If I finally win a level that I've been playing for 100 times I think, God rewards those who keep trying, it just takes awhile sometimes. How can I give up, when I want so badly for Sydni not to have given up? It's all relatable for me, everything I do, see, feel, smell, it all revolves around her.
   We ALL have our story, an adversity that we have had to deal with. True, some are bigger or darker than others, but we all have hurts of some kind. But what if you soldier through, march on, and share with even one person? What if you could make a difference? Sometimes it's all you can do with your sorrow and pains, the sharing, but maybe that's what you're here for! There is ALWAYS a purpose, and always a tomorrow, until God calls you home.
   Some days Sydni lives with me in third person, someone I have loved and lost, but I keep her at a distance, not allowing myself to go to those deep feelings. It is my coping mechanism to get by some days, to retreat from the burden of the emptiness I live with.
   Weekend before last was a pretty bad one. We had to take Cooper (the puppy Sydni brought home and nobody wanted) to the vet. He hadn't eaten in 2 days,was lethargic (which I actually liked) and had started vomiting bile. Took him to Abshier/Meuth clinic and they checked him out. We did x-rays, which revealed a possible obstruction in his intestines, and decided that they would put him on fluids and keep him overnight. Friday came and he was doing much better, due to the fluids, but still not eating or going potty. They were really trying to keep from doing the $1000 surgery, but the obstruction wasn't moving into the bowels at all. They recommended we take him to Beaumont Emergency Animal Clinic for the weekend so he would get 24 hour care and have doctors available if surgery became necessary. We drove the hour there that evening, then sat a bit waiting for consult/financial process. Once we talked to the attending vet, the guy came in with the projected bill that we needed to pay up front and in full. The cost, just to house him, without the surgery was $1200, and if they needed to do surgery the fee for the weekend was $2100. How could this be happening?! Lyn was beside himself, asked them to quote us for just one night's stay and if he wasn't eating in the morning, we would put him down. My heart sank. I went to the bathroom at some point, prayed and asked God to reveal what His will was for the situation, to help us make the choice that He would want. This is something, honestly, that I do not do often enough in many instances in my life. The quote for the night was $365. We paid and went home to tell Landon what the possible outcome might be. We did decide to do the surgery and Cooper is back home with us and doing well. My point to this is that even after praying, I didn't have an immediate, clear answer as to what we should do. Were we to rely on God to make him eat and potty, and if he didn't then God intended for him to go, or was it to rely on Him financially to supply the money when it came due? There was no time to wait for that clear answer we all want. In the end, we decided that we could not be responsible for another death in this family right now. Was it the right decision?? I'm not sure. Perhaps there was no wrong answer. Maybe God just wanted us to go to Him for guidance and to give Him control. I hope we made the right choice.
   Saturday, we went to Lyn's best friend's daughter's wedding. I knew that it would be sad, but there are some things that you just can't prepare yourself for, or know just how hard they will be. This was one of them. They are a very close family. I love that about them. Grandparents of the bride as well. Just a really tight-knit family. It was beautiful. She was beautiful! The wedding itself was sad for Lyn and I. I shed a few tears, but silently, and under my sunglasses. Yes, it was an outside wedding in January, and the weather was PERFECT! It was sad seeing her dad walk her down the aisle and knowing that Lyn will never experience that. I will never help my baby plan her wedding, pick out her dress, or do all the fun and stressful things that go along with it. The hardest part came during the reception. They had the couple's dance, and then came the daddy/daughter dance, maybe a brother/sister dance, I don't really remember, followed by a video tribute from her proud brother. I was almost sobbing during the dances, sitting at a table with people I barely knew. I excused myself before the video started. It became overwhelming for me, and I didn't want the spotlight to be on anyone but this loving, wonderful family and their joy. I did eventually go back inside, ate some good food, and watched Landon do some of his "moves" on the dance floor. It was a beautiful and intimate wedding. I wish them all the happiness <3
   This experience continues to teach me many things, willingly or unwillingly. In this journey I am learning to take care of myself, learning to let go, of people, of things that are not healthy for me, realizing I can't "fix" every thing, every relationship, every person, and being okay with that. I'm learning to rely on Him more than I ever have. I've not learned all there is yet, but perhaps the road I see ahead is a little straighter, and a little less bumpy. 
   I am learning forgiveness. I have to forgive Sydni, for leaving us, leaving all of us here without her. She was amazing! I have to forgive others. I have to give forgiveness where and when I can. I have to give love in the same way, and if it's not received, let it go. I can't force someone to love me or forgive me, and it doesn't mean that I can't pray for them or for our relationship, but that I can't let it consume me. I have to accept that I will not please everyone. I have to forgive myself and realize that...I hesitate to take these words to paper...........I have to realize that this was not my fault. This one will take the most time I think.
   I search for peace. Peace from guilt, peace from pain, peace from judgement. Without peace I can't find my happiness, and I want to be happy again someday, not in the usual, casual way, but a different kind of happy. It will be a happy that will be deliberate, more meaningful than before, fulfilling. A happy I can carry Sydni in with me.

This is a journey...of self awareness...of reflection...of a lifetime of love.

SydniDrew, I love you. I will be with you again...someday. 

One glad morning, when this life is o'er, I'll fly away. To a home on God's celestial shores, I'll fly way. 

When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away. ~Grammie Nichols <3

Searching thru Darkness

      As I sat up from a nap on the way home from Colorado, I saw a sign. Las Vegas 54 miles. I thought to myself, what if we were really going to Vegas, or anywhere but home as our next destination. Wouldn't it be nice to never go back, to never have to stare the pain of losing her in the face again. You grieve at a much slower and easier pace when you are away. You can avoid places and things and people that remind you of the love you lost. But eventually, you will have to go home, and why wouldn't you want to? It's where the heart is, right? It's where the people that love us and that we love are.
   We stopped at a McDonald's somewhere near Amarillo to eat. Just sat anonymously, and as I looked around at the people I thought, maybe it would be good to move, go somewhere where no one knows us or what has happened to us, but I was proud to be "Sydni's mom." It was my honor, my gift from God. And you know what? I am still proud to be her mom, to hold that title. I love that people look at us and know she belonged in our clan, our family unit, that she was part of us. We loved her. There's no shame in that. 
   Our trip was good and filled with small rays of happiness and laughter and smiles. We carried Sydni with us in spirit...and we took a little piece of her with us...her cheer backpack! We took it skiing and snowmobiling :) I think she would've loved the snow. Once home, all the sorrow came flooding back, not that it left us on our trip, but being back takes some acclimating...missing her will take a lifetime.
   Ever wish you could just disappear? Sometimes I sit in parking lots, just watching people and wishing I was them. But sometimes the parking lots empty...and I am left with just me. Who am I? 
   I have come to that point maybe, that says, "I did the best I could." We tried our hardest. If she was sick, we didn't see it. If she needed different medication for something different, we didn't know. She acted like a teenager to us, a gonna do what I want teen at times, but nothing that warranted anything greater than what we were doing. Some may see it differently, but Lyn and I both feel that we did the right things with her for the most part. We were not perfect parents by any means, but we gave her all we had to give. Yes, we showed disappointment at times for things, but we were also encouraging, protective, supportive, nosey, confidants, hugely proud fans, and people who wanted the best for our beautiful, amazing daughter. We tried to instill values and encourage her to reach for the stars, to set goals and go after them, to love others and above all, love God. We weren't drug addicts, alcoholics, deadbeats, non-involved, abusive parents. We loved our SydniDrew, with all that is in us.
   I know that people want answers, want to understand the why of it. We, as her parents want that more than anyone! It has to be someone's fault, something that someone did. No one blames themselves more than us, but the truth is, the "real of it" is that we had no control over what she did that day. There was no alarm that would sound to warn us of the danger and tragedy just ahead. 
   The human condition can be a tricky, fickle, slippery one. You can suddenly lose sight of the love that is holding you. You may interpret a single action by someone as to say or feel that you are not loved by them because of it. The difference is that we are still here and able to convey publicly or privately that we did indeed love her, and it was because of that love that we acted as parents. What would she say of her action if she could tell us? I wonder... 
In that moment did Sydni forget the love given to her all of her years and misinterpret our actions of discipline as something else? 
I read about the girl from Penn State that took her life. Did Sydni feel she couldn't handle the stresses of this world anymore? Maybe it wasn't about what ANYONE did. I wonder...   
   Please, if you read any of this and think, this sounds like me, talk to someone. Let SOMEONE know how you are feeling. I see Sydni's friends living their lives and think, it didn't have to be this way. There are friends, family, and always, always, when we fail you, there is God, ready and eager to listen and comfort you in times of need! There's a song that says, if you don't know what to say, just say Jesus. I tell you this because this world WILL let you down, but He will not! If you trust that, you can overcome ANY bad stuff.         
  
   Family embodies love and support, people who genuinely care about your well being above all else; without judgement or finger pointing. The love and nurturing we have received and are still receiving has been beyond anything imaginable. Those who have loved Sydni, and us, have freely and willingly cared for us in her absence. It's been a family, not in a traditional sense, but in the sense that you have loved us and supported us and have not judged us. It is an immeasurable and irreplaceable gift that I'm not sure you understand until the unthinkable happens. It's the purest act of love, and there are no words in the English language to describe what it really means to us <3


Oh Sytni! (that's the first time I've called you by that since...well you know) I miss you. Do you know how much? Are you aware of me, aware of how much I think of you?  You were my BEST 16 years! Not a moment of a day goes by without you on my mind. 
I see 11:11 and 1:11 all the time now. Didn't see them hardly at all before. Is that you? Is it even possible for you to come to me in some way? 

The forever unknown

   Suicide is subjective. I may think Sydni took her life for one reason, and you may believe something totally different. It is the unknown, the barrage of questions left looming, the lack of closure to this kind of death that drives us insane. I can't fix it. I can't put it neatly away. I can't put it in a box and say "this is why" and close the lid. It's even hard to learn from it, when I'm not sure why it happened. It is sad. It is frightening. It is devastating. It is consuming. It is so...final. Is it different with other deaths, the pain you feel, the wonder? Do the wounds of an accident or illness feel less uncertain than those of a suicide? Are you more able to concentrate on the happy, wonderful times than the swirl of anguish and anger that leads to such an act as to take your life?  Is the blame any easier when you know the person, disease, accident, illness that took your loved one away? We have no one else to blame, no named murderer here, just her...or us. Someone did it, right? Someone is to blame, after all there is someone missing now.
This is definitely a storm. Worse than any storm I've ever encountered.
    I discovered this past week that I may be slowly forgetting. I went to bunco and my friend's daughter came bouncing in toward the end of our night. So bubbly, so alive, so happy and playful with us..just like Sydni was. I could have sat and stared at her all night, the rest of my life even, just closed my eyes and listened to the ramblings of a beautiful teenage girl. Oh how I miss that. How could I forget how much life she brought to us?
   I won't lie, every single day for us is a struggle. We just go through the motions of the day, because that's all you can do. Still unable to clean her room anymore. Still can't look at pictures, listen to most music. I did make it to her grave to change out flowers for Christmas and to hang a couple ornaments. I saw where others had decorated for their loved ones; little Christmas picks and candy canes and such, but I just can't yet. Don't know if that's anger or guilt, but I'm just not there. When does this become easier? Maybe after the holidays? I seem to be forever making those kind of assumptions in these thoughts I write. If I can just get through "????" then it will ease up, but truth be told, it hasn't really worked yet. I feel so useless, of no great value in the big scheme of life. Lyn says he feels the same way.
I remember when I was younger that I would "make deals" with God. If He would make x, y or z happen, then I would know it was a sign from Him. Funny thing is, when it wasn't the sign I desired, I would try again, hoping to get MY way. I'm  not sure I believe in any "signs" anymore, maybe never did. Not sure I would get a "sign" from Sydni even if it was possible. I got a cocoa mug out the other night and had walked away, when I heard this clank from inside the cabinet. I went back to look and another, taller coffee mug had tipped over. I picked it up and on the outside it read "know that you are loved dearly and are prayed for every day." No lie. This really happened. My initial thought was it was Sydni sending me a message, but it took little time for me to discount it as just a cup that fell over and nothing more. I think I have just become so desperate to hear from someone that I will not.
18 weeks, 2 days...

Sunday
I went in Sydni's room this morning and bawled. Looked at the pictures on her wall and cried out. Today, I can't believe this is real. Today, I can not wrap my head and heart around the fact that I will never see her again...today.
Who am I anymore? Who have I become? What is my purpose in this world? Where is the meaning in all this pain and aching in our souls? I think the impending holiday is getting to me...today.

My SydniDrew, I don't know that I have anything to say today. I know you are happy and we are glad for that. We are sad and weak and lonely here. Please tell God we will keep going and praying and believing that things will get better, but if He could speed it up a bit, we wouldn't mind. We think of you every minute of every day. I hope now that you know how loved you were...by so many.
Megz gave me a tassel to put in your cedar chest cuz she got 2 for us! I know you are grateful, as am I. I hope you think of us sometimes.
Nee nuh noo Ninni <3

Thanksgiving

The trip up...
   There are moments, albeit very brief, and very few, that I can see God's love in my life. A text, or message, or gesture that comes at just the right time, and I am ever grateful! But for the most part of each of my days, I don't see, feel, hear God, or think that He hears my cries or pleas for help.
Today we are headed to Carthage, the place we go every year for Thanksgiving. I find myself feeling alone more than anything, and have been amped up and lashing out all day as we prepared to travel. I guess no one will do anything right in my eyes today.
I have been told by our counselor, and others, that I am very "black and white" and I am riding in the car trying to figure out what exactly that means, if it is the reason I sit here alone in the back seat this Thanksgiving, and if it is a bad thing that I am this way. Were too many expectations put on Sydni? Too many demands to tow the line? Is that not the duty of parents to encourage and promote and "expect" great things of them, and they of themselves? Was she of the age where it was no longer our job, our business, to steer her, to push her to stay the course of the goals that she had set for herself? Or were those goals mere mirages of what she thought we wanted, or wanted to hear? Maybe she didn't feel she could tell us that she didn't want to go to college or that she just couldn't be the "good girl" that we desired her to be. I didn't want her to leave me. We could have worked it all out if she would have communicated with us. There were times that I was disappointed with her actions, her choices and decisions, but I NEVER EVER stopped loving her.
And now, how do we parent Landon? Do we do something, or everything, different? Or did we do it right for the most part, and her death had nothing, or very little to do with us? How will we know? How do we keep this from happening a second time?
The trip home...
   If Thanksgiving is a prelim to what Christmas will be like, it will be harder than I first thought. We have endured 3 birthdays, including Sydni's, before this, and I thought Thanksgiving would feel like those, but it felt different. The absence of her felt more palpable. I was so looking forward to spending it with Lyn's family, who I adore, but I felt awkward, distant (by my own doing), and of course...lonely.
   I feel like a ping pong ball, hit in every different direction, feeling every different emotion there is to feel except happiness. I convince myself I need to let go, shut it down, stop thinking, but even now, she is my nearly every thought of every event however big or small. I have been told I need to somehow move forward, to stop letting myself be consumed by pain and sorrow. I want to. I pray to. But HOW I do that is unknown to me. How long is long enough? How long is too long? How do I do it? There are statistics that prove that we are certainly NOT the only ones to lose a child/sister to suicide. Looking at it from that vantage point does put it in perspective. But how do we let go of someone who meant so much to us, someone still in our home, someone we weren't even thru raising yet, someone so vibrant and ALIVE?!
I've got to figure something out.
   I think if I just get her room done, THEN I will be better, but I don't really know if that's true, and I haven't been able to go back in there for a while now. Maybe moving is what we need to do, but I think that that may not change anything either and then what?
These kind of questions, along with a MILLION other thoughts make up my days. I think I am just one messed up individual! But, I think Lyn, and even Landon to some extent, are right there with me.
Home now...
We are home now, and what I feel almost immediately is a rush of relief. Not relief from no longer being with family, but relief that we made it thru the first of 2 holidays that this family is dreading. It is always SO strange to me how quickly, so spontaneously my emotions can sway.
I received multiple texts and messages from wonderfully faithful friends today, and one texter in particular that I had been longing and waiting to hear from. For all that, I AM thankful. For Lyn's gracious and caring family and their comfort, I AM thankful. For my amazing husband and awesome son, I AM thankful. For this moment, for whatever reason, I am able to see past the UNthankful and let it be what it is. I wish this feeling in this moment would remain, but I know that it won't. But I am gonna stop typing, and just take time to try and somehow store this somewhere, and maybe, just maybe reference it again sometime in the near future. I feel a little fight left inside me tonight, a little life left inside me, and I am gonna stew in it. We loved and we lost, but WE LOVED!
The ending...
   We ended our Thanksgiving weekend with a trip to the cemetery on Sunday afternoon, just Lyn and I. I am saddened to say that I had not been to see her in almost a month, just haven't been able to go, and even as we pulled up, I felt that sick, wrenching tightness in my stomach as I sometimes do. Pain? Guilt? Sorrow? Longing? Not sure, but it's a real feeling, not as painful as when this all began, but it hurts.
   We were only there a few minutes before I spotted it...someone had thoughtfully and lovingly left a "Class of 2014" tassel for Sydni. I so appreciate the kindness of whomever left that for her! I felt the love behind it, but at the same time, it was too much. My daughter will never even graduate high school. How is this possible? I lost it. I couldn't even say goodbye to her.  Please know that I am thankful for it! It was just hard to see, but very very much appreciated!
   I have been so impressed by our youth of today, aka her friends and classmates. We have had just as many young people reach out to our family as we have adults. It speaks volumes as to the character you all possess. What a comfort to us you guys have been, as I know that Sydni will not be forgotten.
   I apologize that Sydni's cell number has been given to someone else already. I honestly just didn't think about it. Please know that you can still leave her private FB messages. I do not have or know her password, so they will remain between the two of you.

My dearest SydniDrew. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving up there with Jesus and the gang. Hope you are eating well, keeping your room clean, and your laundry done ;) We miss you and I am sorry I haven't been to see you much. It's just really hard sometimes to keep saying goodbye to you. Landon got your lava lamp and put it in his room. He thinks it's the most fascinating thing EVER! And I gave Margaux "Jacob" cuz...well you know why. We had a nice visit with her and Madison, and she looked cute carrying him out the door. He's gonna go hang out with her and "Justin" for a while :))

What should have been is not what is.

   It seems like so much has happened since my last post, yet everything remains the same...my daughter is not here, our family is still broken, and I am still struggling to begin each day. What should have been, is not what is anymore.
I have been depressed the last couple of days, like the kind where you don't want to get out of bed or try, try to do life. It seems more than sadness, more than grief or anger or wonder. I just don't care right now. I feel like I am just wandering through this life, with no purpose, no hope, nothing to look forward to...just don't care. I feel expendable, of non importance, and I wonder if this is how Sydni felt in those final hours of her precious life. 
   I went to Canton a few weeks ago. I saw so many mommy/daughters, so many little girls running around in their tutu's and big bows, just like my little girl. I stood behind one teen in line to buy something, and her hair, the back of her head, looked so much like Sydni. I had the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch her, even hug her from behind. Oh God, how I miss her. I want to feel her, hear her, tell her I love her. PLEASE someone make that happen for me..anyone. I need her back. It's been long enough. Have I not been punished enough now? I promise I would do better, be better...whatever it takes Lord. 
   I have begun to clean out her room. I have to. I don't want to, but I need to. I started 2 weeks ago actually, but haven't been going in there for the past week or so. I am having some kind of emotional block that won't allow me to. I will wait...and hope that this passes. I ponder over every detail, every piece of clothing, every scrap of paper, right down to her toothbrush and hairbrush. It is so beyond extremely hard, but it's my duty, I feel. No one can do it but me. I'm her mother. I have tried to pick out things for her close friends, things that I hope and pray can give them some kind of comfort when seeing or touching or even wearing them, but things that are personal just for them. If there is something special you would like, please let me know, and I will do my best to oblige.
I have succeeded in washing my daughter's clothes for the very last time, again, paying the utmost attention to every detail of them. It is so terribly hard pulling your child's clothes from the dryer and knowing that that is the last time, ever, you will experience that. Weird right, to think of laundry like that?! But it is my reality. 
   Landon is struggling, and lashing out at times. I won't go into specifics, as they are his feelings and thoughts, and not mine to tell, but he has said some hurtful things, things that he may or may not truly believe, but that let Lyn and I know that he is hurting deeply over the loss of his sister, his YaYa. He continues to struggle with sports as well, and is certainly heartbreaking for Lyn and I as parents. Selfishly, we would like him to play because we derive some enjoyment and maybe even a glimpse of happiness from watching him perform, but unselfishly, we know that he loved sports before this and want him to be okay and enjoy the things that he loved so much again. I worry for him. I worry that something bad will now happen to him too. I have lost all confidence in myself as a parent. I pray he will be alright again soon. I pray he will.
   Lyn is our rock, our savior thru all this. He is a wonderful, caring and giving man, but I know I am wearing thin on him as I openly grieve everyday. He hurts. And I'm not sure that he is able to grieve as he needs to because of me and Landon. I try to be there for him, but it always goes back to him caring for us and our needs. It makes me want to retreat, to hide my feelings, to not share, but I'm not built that way, so it becomes a battle for me being so sad and then me not hardly speaking. Nothing but nothing is right here anymore.
   Acceptance is what I need, in all aspects of this new journey. I want/need acceptance from my peers. There is nothing worse than feeling shameful after someone walks by you and stares, or walks by you and purposely avoids you. It hurts. And it just seems to validate what we, as parents of suicide feel inside, that we MUST have been bad parents. I can tell you there are more days than not that I feel like a loser, a failure, and yes...a bad parent.
I will say tho, that having experienced the above, I have also experienced friendships that I will NEVER forget. I been been blessed to feel love coming at me from all different directions, and have felt acceptance. I tear up at writing this, because it is so necessary, so essential, for carrying on, as I must. 
Acceptance also means that I must accept that Sydni may not have liked me when she died, but I have to stop worrying about what she thought of me. I loved her, that's all I know, and that's all that matters. If I can move passed whatever I think she felt about me and just focus on my love for her, I will be better. It doesn't matter what she thought or felt, I loved her, and I can't let Satan take that from me. 
   I tell myself lately that she made a mistake. She made a terrible mistake, either not trusting in God, not believing in our love for her, not thinking clearly that things will ALWAYS get better, just a mistake. It doesn't stick with me very long, as I always return to guilt, but I do like the way it sounds. It was just a moment of error, of miscalculation on her part. This mistake just has permanent consequences for all of us. Please think on this if you ever find yourself in a position to do something hurtful to yourself, please.

"This is the victory that conquers the world...our faith." I John 5:4

   My beautiful SydniDrew. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been too sad. I was not able to make it to the baby shower, but I got a good gift I think you would approve of. I know you are happy and well and I hope you think of us sometimes. I think about you ALL of my waking moments still. If you want to reach me in a dream or something and let me know you are there, I would really love that. Maybe you could ask God to let you come back now?! Just sayin'...but I know. I miss you more than I have heartbeats for.  <3 Mom

Three steps forward...and a hundred back.

   I am angry today. I am angry with Sydni. I am angry that we have no happiness, angry that we find it hard to live in our home, angry that I am so lonely without you here. I am tired of the shame and the guilt and the confusion and the questions, but above all, I'm sick of the emptiness in my heart. 
   I still remain in awe of how the smallest of things can be a trigger for a change in emotion. One minute, literally, you think you have yourself under control, and the next minute you're just...broken. I find a picture in my closet, cry sitting there, and it stirs all these memories and promises and...what should have been. I want to blog about it, share with anyone who will read, how truly amazing you were to us, how much joy you brought into our lives; and then I can go somewhere, see something that reminds what we've lost, and my feelings turn. 
   Grief is a horrible word. A word with no boundaries as to where the hurt and pain begins and ends, no rules as to how it will effect you, where it will lead you from day to day, or worst of all, how long it will last. Grief is unique to each person that shares in it, and gives you your own burden to bear. It sucks really. One day you're sad, one day you're mad, some days you feel defiant, and some days you just don't want to go on. Grief = depression I think.
   I'm mad that I can sit in a group of mourners and still feel so totally alone. Last night, people talked about watching videos of their loved ones. They pulled out their phones to share pictures of them. I sobbed. I couldn't. It's just too painful! The others in my group had loved ones die from accidents, but not me. One person has put t-shirts of the loved one in a drawer for her kids to wear to bed, like a hug. How awesome! I barely spoke last night. 
   Am I taking this too personally? Do I need to "suck it up?" I'm mad because my seemingly normal life, filled with drama, and normal ups and downs, has been taken. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm mad that we are now needing to see, not just one medical professional, but TWO counselors, just to try to somehow "fix" ourselves into people that can function. And then I'm mad...that I'm mad!! Just two days ago I was blogging about how wonderful Sydni was, and now I'm back to being mad!? Maybe I am going "mad!" 
   I am angry that Sydni did this, of her own free will, and not the will of God. Satan destroyed her and has taken nearly everything from us. I am so bitter today! 
   I have made the comment to Lyn that everyone I love eventually leaves; Sydni was no exception. 

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you." Jeremiah 1:5

Our stories have become intermingled yours and mine. Mine a lifetime of longing to be loved; yours a lifetime of being loved and perhaps not realizing it. Did I ask too much of you, expect too much? Why would you do this Sydni? Why would you hurt us like this? Not just your family, but your friends; your faithful, sweet friends who text me in sorrow, or come by to offer encouragement. You had AMAZING friends, an amazing life ahead of you. I am SO grateful for all of them. It comforts me to hear from them or to see them. Amber misses you and is heartbroken. I miss you SydniDrew and I'm scared. I'm afraid to lose you.

A Beautiful Life

To my sweet, funny, talented and special daughter. I dedicate this blog

to you, my beautiful SydniDrew.

   I have loved you since before you were born. I have watched you while you slept; both in life and in death, picked you up when you fell, wiped your tears when you cried, smiled with joy at the sound of your infectious giggle, and marveled at your accomplishments. I have watched countless tea parties with your wonderfully attentive daddy, remembered the most beautiful makeovers on both of us :) and video'd you dancing around the coffee table at least 1000 times. You were the apple of your daddy's eye, and the purest, deepest love I had ever known. You were our beloved, our first born <3
   You loved your electric swing and Shania Twain music! We could put you in the swing crying, and the moment you heard the music, you would stop. It was crazy! It was wonderful! It was all you. You loved Barney, bike rides with mom and dad, trips to Blockbuster in your little car, dance, gymnastics, and all things girl. You were, at times, insecure, like girls can be, afraid to sleepover at anyone's house for the longest, and always, always, carrying your "blankie" that your dear Grammie crocheted for you when you were born...we still have a piece of blankie, tucked away inside my pillowcase for safekeeping.
   Your presence is EVERYWHERE; in our home we shared, in every place we go, in everything we do, and every choice we make. You're on our minds CONSTANTLY, like a favorite song on repeat. Some people, even myself sometimes, think we will move, but I want to try, I want to overcome death. My love for you is stronger than any hold death can have on me! It is almost in defiance of what Satan has stolen from us, that I want to show, that our love, your dad's, bubby's and mine, can overcome what has been lost to us. It was your home, our home together, and there are greater, far more wonderful memories there than the one day in time that for now, has robbed us of all happiness. We picked that house especially for you and Landon, paying attention to the most minute details of how our lives would play out there. It was "the one." It was for you. Everything was for you, and Landon. I just wish somehow you could have seen that, would have seen how special you were to us, how important you were to this family. You completed our circle of four. You will always be here tho, no matter where we go. We were the Lewis4...and we ARE the Lewis4. Nothing will change that, not even death's evil hand.


SydniDrew, what I want, is what I strived for all along...to be a mom that you could be proud of; to be someone you would want to emulate one day as a mother yourself. I pray you approve. I pray He approves.
I sure wish you would hurry up and get Steve Jobs to make a phone or app that works from up there! I sure could use one of your special "guess what mommy" texts about now :(  ALL my love to you Peanut <3