Missing you for days, weeks, months and seconds

   With each day that draws closer to the anniversary, I feel myself sliding backwards. I feel relieved when I am able to piece together a complete thought of acceptance of this situation, void of the constant consciousness of Sydni for that 30 seconds or so, to not feel anxious, guilty, hopeless, to just feel okay. These thoughts are fleeting and infrequent at best, but they do offer me some peace.
   I posted a picture of Sydni on FB recently and I find myself clicking on it, zooming in on her face, studying every curve. Strange how you can look at a picture after someone has gone and notice the details that you didn't before; the green in their eyes, the oh so long eyelashes, the shape or their teeth or their cute little nose, a "frankle" as Sydni called freckles when she was small, that you didn't remember, not because you didn't care or see them, but you didn't NEED to remember all those details because you were gonna see them again tomorrow and the thousands of tomorrows after that. I look at pictures now and think that I have somehow forgotten what she looked like, not completely of course, but just the finer, more intricate parts. I just want to touch her again, feel her, hear her, smell her.
   We just got back from our trip to Mexico, our 2nd escape, this one from the reality of no more summers with her. Haven't been there since Lyn and I got married. Our vacation was good. Our resort was beautiful. There were moments of smiles and laughter, relaxation and even some fun. It was "almost" paradise, but something was missing, someONE was missing that would have made it complete. I "know" she's not coming back, but I continue to "feel" as if she will. It's not a conscious thing, but when I look at a picture, plan for a vacation, even hear a sound upstairs late at night, I think that this can't be the end of us. I thought she and I would be taking a vacay together this summer, maybe just the two of us, best buds enjoying our last moments before she headed off to school and into the big world, but instead we had to go without her.
   Summer will always remind me of Sydni. Perhaps it's because the kids are home and there is more time to interact and do activities with them. We had some great summers..annual trips to Garner, camping, Destin last summer, driving around with the top down, mommy/daughter pool dates, sleepovers with her friends (they always let me hang with them for awhile :) ), or just staying home snuggling and watching movies. Summers were just special. She was special.
   I have finally begun the daunting task of engraving Sydni's gravestone. This is something I have purposely avoided up to now. It is so important to me to "get it right," for it to be "perfect" for her. I don't know that I'm ready for that responsibility. This is NOT what we should be doing! This is NOT natural. We should be packing her up for college or something, anything besides choosing words and pictures for a tombstone. I have scrolled through hundreds of scriptures, quotes, poems, pictures, looking for just the right fit for her. I want it to be meaningful and original, as unique as she was. It's so surreal. It will be my last major tribute to her and how much she meant to us, and how much everyone meant to her. How do I portray a lifetime of love and joy in a few lines? It's impossible really. She was so much more than I could ever verbalize. I wish she knew that.
   As I searched through the net for inspiration I came across a website of poems on suicide. I, of course looked, to see if I could find anything that I could possibly use, not to shame or dwell on how Sydni died, but to somehow enlighten and encourage others not to take this path. I HAVE to believe that that's what she would want, that if she had it to do over, that she would've made a far different decision and have seen the bigger picture. As I started scrolling thru the poems, I quickly realized these were written by regular people, some as surviving loved ones of someone lost to suicide, while others were written by those who suffer from thoughts of suicide, pouring out their hearts about their pain and silent cries for help. It was overwhelming. I had to stop reading them. How could I not see? I'm broken by the thought of her being in that much pain. Did I really know who she was? How, or why, would you not talk about or ask for help? Was this the first time she felt this way, or was this an ongoing struggle? Was this an act of impulsiveness or had she been thinking about it?
   I am truly sorry for those who struggle from depression. I have been depressed at times in my life as well, this obviously, being one of those times, but I can NOT express loudly or often enough how the decision to take your own life is just the wrong one. It is unfair of you to leave us like this, FOREVER broken, with feelings of guilt and abandonment, feeling unloved and unworthy. You end up doing to others the very thing you seek to relieve yourself of. You are loved!
   Forgiveness may hold the key to my survival and ability to move forward, not move on, just forward in my life. I need to forgive myself for anything I may have done to contribute to Sydni's death. (That's so hard..to write "Sydni's death") But even more than that, I need to forgive Sydni. When I think about that, I can be happy for her that she is happy, and I can relax my thoughts a little, not dwell on the moments of that day, like a weight is lifted somewhat. I think it hard for me to forgive. I have had some great disappointments in my life that make it difficult. Forgiveness of things we don't understand, or maybe wouldn't do ourselves is tough. We can't wrap our minds or hearts around why people would do these things that we would never do, but it does happen doesn't it? I know God wants me to forgive. I know I love her enough to forgive her. Maybe I just need more time.

My SydniDrew. How are you? Is Heaven everything we think it is and more? Do you sleep? Do you float around on white billowy clouds, or do you walk majestically down the streets of gold? Do you live alone? Have you made another family? How old are you there? Is everyone the same age? Is there even such a thing as age? So many questions to things we don't often think of unless the unthinkable happens.
Well, we miss you. No new family here. Just us minus you. I sleep. I walk. And earth is just the same. I have been having a lot of bad dreams, so if you could ask God to throw in a good one with you, that'd be great! Dad and Landon love you and Ily too. I'll write again soon.

How many and how are they?

   Well I went to the dermatologist today. Only 2nd time I've ever seen one, first time being right after I had Sydni and my hormones caused my chin to break out something horribly. But today I went for some spots on my back and one on my arm. Sydni had been on me for a while to go and get one on my back checked out and I just kept putting it off. I was nervous, but Landon went with me and he was just awesome. Doctor looked me over, tried to make small talk, and for the first time I was asked "the question"..."so, how many children do you have??" I didn't know what to say! I froze inside, and with barely a pause, for fear he would know I was lying, I said "just one." And immediately I felt..like I betrayed Sydni. It felt wrong. It was just easier. I mean, I wanted to explain to him all that has gone on these past months, but it didn't seem appropriate or relevant to let him into my bubble, my life, my world. I'm so sorry Sydni.
   He said I had 5 basal cell cancer spots, I would live (lol), and that he needed to biopsy them, which of course meant needles, my other and probably biggest fear! But Landon comforted me the whole time. I didn't cry, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for him. I did whine and wince some. It hurt! But all I could think about was that Sydni must have hurt too. It must have hurt a lot to do what she did. Who was I to cry about some stupid shots. Landon kept saying "it's okay mom!" "I'm right here" ...as he held my hand. <3
   I had a bad weekend last week. Not sure what started if, if anything, but Sydni has been in my thoughts constantly every since. We went to Beaumont to play ball for the first time without her. Not sure if that was it or not. I do have a vivid memory of her wadded up in blankets, sleeping on the bleachers at a tournament there. Tourneys can be hard just because of all the teens running around and siblings there watching. Who am I kidding..it's everywhere I go, visions of her doing this or that or just being beside me. I have had 2 people, while at the ballpark, mistaken me for another Sydni's mom in BH and ask me how she is doing. It's beyond hard to get out the words "she's gone, no longer with us, she died" and that they have the wrong Sydni. There are just no rules of etiquette for this kind of situation.
   I felt insecure on this weekend. There has been some tension on our team, and it spills over into personal issues I think, and makes me acutely aware of the failures of my parenting. I so often question my decisions and feelings about what Sydni was doing. Perhaps it wasn't our place to intervene in some aspects of her life. But I also think it would have been irresponsible to condone certain things. Losing a child to suicide will give way to many doubts about yourself, and as I am discovering, doubts about who you really are to other people. We can say that it doesn't matter what others think, but yet relationships help validate our worth.
   There are things that I have noticed that have changed about myself. I avoid public places alone as much as possible. Anything/everything makes me cry. I have extreme anxiety at times to loud noises, loud laughing, screaming, sudden booms or bangs. My head becomes really scrambled and I'm unable to sort it out quickly enough..becomes very chaotic for me. I don't smile much. I don't laugh much. I still find Sydni in literally everything I do, see, touch or smell. I look the "other way" when we pass by the high school. Can't look at where I dropped her off and picked her up so many hundreds of times, or see the door she walked in and out of at school for those 3 years, and the parking lot where we surprised her with her lil sports car. I don't call Sydni by any of her nicknames we had for her. No Syd, Sytni, Sydster, YaYa, none of them. I don't use certain emojis, as I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm too happy or god forbid, laughing. I don't sing in public (and I DO like to sing!) especially at church or at Bo's Place, where we sing Lean On Me every time. I just stand there, in our circle, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, and stare blankly into space or at the floor. It's awkward to say the least.
   We continue to go to grief counseling and Bo's Place. I think there are ways in which things are better, but I'm not sure they are identifiable to me yet. They are different, yet they are exactly the same. Maybe I cry less times a day, but still cry daily. Maybe I have a solid 60 sec where I'm not flooded with her, but she is still there in every other minute of each of my days. Maybe I don't feel as hopeless, but there is still hopelessness. I don't want to let her go, but letting go is inevitable isn't it? This one will be the hardest...

My SydniDrew, summer, and life are not the same without you. I hope you liked the rose pedals we sprinkled on the grave for you graduation night. We went and ate and saw a movie to get away for the evening. We were all really sad, and I know your friends were too. Landon is sleeping some in your room. He says he feels closer to you there :)  We also got a new king bed for our room so he could sleep with us when he needs to. He has bad dreams sometimes. Wish you were here to snuggle with me in it. We are still missing you as much as ever! I think about you constantly. Summer was kinda our season. I miss our pool days. I miss you. Do I ever cross your mind? 

Our Senior

    For two nights straight I have found myself in the stadium parking lot, just envisioning and crying. It is as close to her and what "should have been" as I can get. SO many memories there, on either side of me, as I sit, flanked by the stadium and middle school. But Friday night's events won't be a memory for my collection.
   I didn't get the chance to have senior pictures made. Don't have graduation announcements to pass around to family and friends. There's no graduation luncheon or party or trip to plan, but as a parent it just feels right to want, or maybe need, to honor our would-be senior, OUR grad, our beautiful and talented daughter, Sydni Lewis. It will require that I step out of my comfort zone as I look for the first time thru pictures of her on our computer. But I want to do this for her. It just feels important, so here goes...
   Sydni was a member of NHS, JV cheerleader for 2 years along with co-captain for 1. Varsity cheerleader for 1 year, a member of the Spanish Club for 1 year, and was in the top 13 percent of her class at the time of her death. She took dance for 7 years, played piano for 10 years, cheered for 5 years, and in my opinion, was a budding artist. She was a member of Old River Baptist and the youth program and had a huge heart for missions. She was exceptionally loyal, friendly, sensitive, confident yet insecure like most teen girls, adventurous, protective, and above all beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside. She loved God, children, and as we all know of course, animals. She planned to attend Texas A&M or Blinn in the fall and wanted to be a vet, but was also considering a career as a nurse practitioner or teacher.
   This is one of the last pictures of her, taken with my camera by her best friend Kelcy on our annual family vacation last summer to Garner. Little did Kelcy, or any of us know that their "photo shoot" that day would be our last pictorial memories entrusted to last a lifetime. I'm grateful to have them.
   This is for you SydniDrew. You are loved and missed beyond words or thoughts. I could never express enough the magnitude of your impact on my life. You made me a better person and I loved being "Sydni's mom."  I will attempt to display the compassion, generosity, and inclusiveness I have now, countless times, heard that you offered others. It was your gift! I know first-hand the wonderful person you were, and I pray I never forget the smallest details of your beautiful face, those green eyes, your soft hands, your infectious laugh, your glowing smile, your quirks and mannerisms, your walk, or your love. 

YOU could light up a room, like you lit up my life! 

You will forever be your daddy's prom queen, Landon's YaYa, our beloved daughter, my other half and best friend<3
God gave me you



Proverbs 3:5

Graduation

   I have imagined this moment a thousand times in my head over the years. Thought about what it would feel like to see my baby girl all grown up as she received her diploma, and now the time has come, and she's not here. I try to imagine what it feels like to be you, maybe much like those of you who have tried to imagine what it would be like to walk in our shoes.
   Graduation, a monumental moment in a young adult's life, and in a parent's. A culmination of a parent's hard work and selfless dedication to our children. A day to celebrate accomplishments and to survey the endless possibilities of their future. For graduates, I'm sure much the same, mixed with the rush of impending independence. The chance to go out, be on your own and make your own decisions. Maybe there's even a slight hint of fear at leaving the nest of nurturing and rules, comfort and free food. Freedom does come with responsibility.
   It's a day that I would find marked with tears of sadness and of joy. Our babies, all grown up and ready (or not) to face the big world. I imagine I would be crying a lot and Sydni would be annoyed, but reassuring me that she will always be close by, she will be fine, and promising to send me "guess what" texts daily.
   Her goal was to attend A&M, but if  not, she would attend Blinn first. She had looked at other colleges, as evidenced by the tons of brochures and unanswered voice mails that have only recently stopped, but as far as I knew, her heart was set on College Station. We had talked about college since Sydni was really small, trying to instill at an early age the importance of education, and being the first born, you know how much more verbiage and lectures and even pressure you get to succeed.
   I wonder how SHE would feel? I imagine excited, accomplished, relieved, maybe a bit sad to leave her HS and all that she had known, to leave behind younger classmates. But I imagine she would be giddy at the opportunity to walk the stage and slide her tassel, to flash that beautiful smile at everyone and to hug any and all necks that she could possibly find. I imagine that she would be excited to go off to college and make her own choices. This was something she often said we didn't let her do enough of in her HS years. I wish she had understood that we just wanted to keep her safe.
   This is one of the hardest milestones that I have experienced on this journey, if not the biggest. It is difficult to "imagine" her not graduating. It's one of those "this can't be real" moments, as I secretly wait for her to come home and prepare for this most special day with me. Part of me is angry that she has robbed our family of this, but mostly I'm just so sad to not be able to share it with her as I had always dreamed. I feel as tho I've lived an entire, different life in these less than 10 months. Never have I counted as many days, months, holidays, special occasions. It's crazy. It's all just so crazy to me! 
   We have gone back and forth about attending graduation, wanting so badly to support her class and friends, but in the end deciding it is too painful. I have heard tho, that there will be 2 empty seats as they would sit alphabetically, for Amulek and Sydni. I am very grateful, as long as it is a healing tool for the kids, but please don't lose sight of the fact that this is NOT the way to end your life. No one should ever think that suicide is the answer. I have so often thought to myself over these months, if she would have hung on another hour, another day, another month, what her life would be now. I'm sure it would be great, and she would be happy. Never lose sight that there are people out there that don't have a "choice." They suffer illnesses, cancer, diseases.. Problems are temporary. Just stay! Pray. Choose LIFE!

   I do have something to share with the Class of 2014. Something that I feel led to convey on Sydni's behalf, and something I hope you all will hold on to. You are a class that has been through more than most, and a class that his risen above. You have shown so much strength and compassion and love for each other, and for us. It is a non-repayable gift that has truly made these months bearable. My tears are of loss, but they are also of love for the grace you all continue to display. We hurt, but you hurt too. The Class of 2014 will forever hold only the BEST of thoughts for the Lewis family for your kindness and support.
   Below is the drawing Sydni made in her English class last year, along with something Mrs. Guarnere wrote for me that pertained to an assignment on Rachel's Challenge, and what she believed was the inspiration behind the picture. (Sydni was a great artist.)  I share this with you, in hopes that you will ALL be gardeners in life. That you will remember the beautiful hands of a funny, loving, imperfectly perfect teen that have touched so many. That you will grow a tree, a flower, through LIVING your lives, and remember a girl...who wanted to make a difference. 

Never forget <3

Best wishes Class of 2014

Grow something, won't you?

All my love SydniDrew Lewis. I pray your hands DO someday, somehow grow...something as amazing as you.

 

What if?

   I think this or say it probably 100 + times a day, but my "what if" right now is different. At Bo's Place a couple weeks ago, someone in my group brought up a scripture that tells us that our days were numbered, even before we were formed (Psalm 139:16). I have had a lot of trouble with this verse and this truth. I tell myself that it doesn't apply in my circumstance because this wasn't a God-ordained death. This wasn't a death of illness or murder or an accident, it was a death of choice. But perhaps to say this doesn't apply to Sydni means that I don't trust God's Word and His promises to me.
   What if? What if it's true that although He didn't want her to die in that moment, and yet allowed it, that it still was meant to be. He knew she would make this choice, even before she was conceived. But what if, because He knew that the enemy would devour my beautiful girl, He ordained that Landon would be born, to be here to help us carry on. What if we were exactly the parents Sydni needed to reach the goal of 16 years & 11 months of her life? What if, thru her death, He ordained that someone else would live?! Mind blowing I know.
   Our grief counselor says that I am a deep thinker. I agree. I have always been a "thinker," but the loss of our child has made me think so deeply about every molecule of my life and the lives of my family. I wonder...did we go left when we should've gone right? Did we move at some point when we shouldn't have and therefore put this all in motion? Did we not parent correctly? Did we not do what God intended? Am I doing what God intended right now? Am I supposed to be blogging about all of it, or is there something else entirely that I should be doing?
   We as Christians are to seek God's will and walk by faith. But what is faith? Faith is trusting in God's will and plan for our lives. Faith also requires confidence in those decisions that we make, but I find myself doubting possibly critical decisions that were made. I wonder if I didn't pray enough about something. I wonder if a seemingly simple detour in the road caused this. How can someone really truly know beyond certainty that what they are doing or where they are going is God's plan? We can plainly know that we are not to murder or steal, because the bible says so. But the bible doesn't tell you things like where to work or live or how many children to have. Some things you just pray about, listen and follow the answer, and go with confidence..with faith.
   I went to the school and visited with Sydni's English teacher. There was a picture Sydni had drawn that she had offered to me shortly after Sydni's death and I did want it. It was hard walking the school halls where I knew Sydni had walked, hard to sit in a classroom that she once occupied. I almost asked if the room was still the same, and if she could show me where Sydni sat, but I didn't. I was surprised with a whole packet of special writings for me when I arrived, tucked in a folder that Sydni had colorfully decorated. So much thought and detail..and love put into the gathering of it all. Her teacher sat with me, cried with me, shared lots of stories with me, but the most important thing she shared was that Sydni talked about me "even more than most teen girls." She said she could clearly see that Sydni loved her mom. I was so thankful to hear that. I want so much to believe that. What a blessing that visit was for me <3
   I saw a friend at the gym and she was telling me about another parent who had lost their child several years ago, and that this mother told her that she wouldn't have rather not known her son then to have had him the short time she did. I feel the same way. I would do it all over again. Every second of it. Same result. Same all of it. I will NEVER regret knowing her, loving her, mommying her. It was my joy and privilege.


SydniDrew. Me and you..you and me. We had something more special than most moms and daughters. Something only death could sever, and I wouldn't trade one single moment of my life with you. God didn't give you to us for a lifetime, but He did show me what PURE love feels like. Maybe this can only be accomplished by the loss of one so close to my heart.

Labor pains

   This particular anniversary stirs many defining memories. You have been gone as long now, as it takes to create life...9 months yesterday. This is poignant to me. It brings to mind all the emotions of being pregnant and giving birth to you, of the wonders of actually creating a human being, of being so terrified to take you home and to be your mom, of such dreams of an amazing life, of such a huge, lifelong responsibility.
    I have a distinct vision of you at maybe 2 or 3, running toward me, your curly long hair blowing in the breeze. You, brushing it back with your hand, your cheeks so rosy. Its so vivid, I haven't been able to shake the image, and kind of like a song stuck in your head on repeat, you keep wiping back your hair and smiling at me. I remember endless circles danced around the coffee table when your were a toddler, just circle after circle, so many circles in fact that we bought special pads to go around the glass top to protect you from a fall. I wish I could've kept protecting you. You were our world, my world. I can remember laying on your bed when you were 6, after finding out I was pregnant with Landon, crying because I didn't think that I had enough love to share with someone else. I couldn't have been more wrong. If you couldn't know, couldn't feel the love that I had for you, then I don't know what else I could have possibly done.
   I have been taping Dr. Phil lately and watching at night. I often wonder what he would say to us as parents. Perhaps he wouldn't think we did things right. Anyway, Wednesday's episode was an update on this girl/woman who had been held captive for 11+years and escaped. Dr. Phil asked her had she ever thought of taking her own life, and her response was yes, but she said that she then thought that that would be the easy way out, and she was going to overcome her circumstances. This statement was both sad and inspiring to me. Sad because I guess I feel Sydni bailed on us, and that's hard for me to write, as she is not here to defend herself or to explain her reasons for leaving; and inspiring because I too have suffered greatly in my life, but I chose...life. I cannot take back what Sydni did, I cannot fix it, I cannot bring her back. If I choose to live, then I need to live.
   I often focus on the things I think I did wrong, on the ways I could've been different or better somehow, on ways I could've miraculously been the "perfect" parent...but there IS NO perfect. When I hear myself interact with Landon, just the regular daily mundane stuff, the accomplishments and disappointments of each day, I hear kindness from myself. I hear encouragement and motherly advice. I hear...love! I don't act differently toward him then Sydni I don't think. I don't treat him differently since this happened. I take more of an effort in discipline to reassure him that he is loved regardless, but in those everyday moments...I'm just me. For every hundred things I can think that I could've/should've done differently, I can think of a thousand others that I felt I did right. Sydni had good parents. Sydni had a good home. Sydni had...love. But that's what makes it so much more confusing isn't it?
   It's fading, the distinct sounds of laughter and happiness you brought to this home. 9 months since we've heard your footsteps, felt your touch, listened to your voice, and looked at your face. Lyn said that perhaps this is what drives you to look at pictures and videos, so you can remind yourself of what's missing, and what once was. I'm not there yet. I dream about Sydni sometimes, but when I do, I dream as if I am her, kinda sorta. I never see her or talk to her, but instead I am acting out scenarios that she would be a part of. Weird I know. But hey, it's a dream!
   Lyn and I have had the honor and the daunting task of choosing a recipient for Sydni's scholarship fund that her friends established for her. I had to go the High School today to return the anonymous application copies and disclose the recipient. I prepared myself, telling myself to hold it together until I got back in the car, and went in good spirits...then the bell rang while I stood waiting to be escorted to the counselor's office. I couldn't contain it. The longer I stood, the more tears that came. This was my first trip back to the school that meant so much to our daughter. These are just some of the hundreds of thousands of moments where I ask "WHY Sydni? WHY?"
   It was both incredibly touching and yet difficult to read the impact she made on these students lives. I am extremely grateful for their words, and I now know the name of the one we chose. Sydni would be so proud! I wish we could've given it to all that applied, but there just wasn't enough money to spread it that thin. Thank you to each and every one of you, including the ones that just wanted to write about her and did not want to be included in the process. They are a treasure that I will share with Landon when we feel the time is right.
   I have struggled of late with my place in the pecking order of my family. The dynamics have changed, and I find myself, a lot, wondering why I matter. I know I am good for laundry and field trips and school drop off/pick up, but I don't have anyone that needs me like Sydni did, or at least that's how it feels. Real or imagined, it's my emotion. Lyn and Landon have an amazing bond, much like Sydni and I did, and I am extremely grateful that they have that connection. Lyn is Landon's go-to person, the one he wants to spend more time with. Don't misunderstand, my family is very nice to me. Lyn is near perfection as a husband, but it doesn't feel right without her with me. Perhaps this is the natural order of things, boys with boys, girls with girls, but Sydni has left my pack, and left me with a huge void that I'm not sure can be filled. I am bitter with her about this, feel pity for myself about this, sometimes feel I deserve this, and sometimes feel this is exactly what she wanted for me. It is difficult to put in words the swirl of emotions that swim in my head..love, anger, betrayal, guilt, pity, loathing, acceptance..all in the same day, same hour, same sentence. Maybe this is the description of "unconditional love." 
                                                      I miss her...completely <3
   I have done my best to stay off social media as to avoid compounding the inevitable torture of the end of senior year, and to try to grasp the new knowledge of your death. I survived prom weekend, although I did spend a lot of time remembering getting ready together last year. We bought some makeup from Sephora and a can of hairspray and we did it all ourselves. I, the hairdresser; Sydni, the makeup artist. I have to say that I thought she looked flawless! She was such a natural beauty. 
   We also celebrated an anniversary of 20 years this past week, the 6th, but with no celebration. What's to celebrate, when it just feels like survival right now. I hate that this monumental occasion passes with barely a notice. It makes me angry, and I don't want to be angry with her. 
   Mother's Day is coming, and the list of firsts and jabs at our hearts just keeps growing. I have no doubt that this will be an 8 out of 10 on the scale of hard days. It's a day I think that will always leave me feeling half a mom. Thank goodness for DVR. It's almost cruel to see commercials of kids talking about their hallmark moments and how wonderful their moms are. So everyone that goes to church with me just be on guard..tears will be in full swing, but I do wish every mom that reads this a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day. Soak it in and be thankful. Kids, be good to your moms even if you don't feel like it. You are so so blessed to all have each other! I am blessed as well. 
   Sorry this was so long. Guess I had more built up inside than even I knew. 


Guess what?! I love you SydniDrew<3 
There is a new Justin Timberlake song out that would totally be our car jam, top down, music blaring. It's called Not a Bad Thing. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be YOUR fave, since it isn't rap, but I know you would sing along and jam it just for me. It makes me think of you every time I hear it! (said all I want from you is to see you tomorrow, and every tomorrow) Dad has had a really hard few days. The application letters were super difficult for him. He says he misses his "Sunshine!" Remember, he would always say that when he came in from work? "Hey there Sunshine, how was your day?" He and Landon both miss you so much...and me too, of course. I think he is lost without you here to help him shop for me for Mother's Day too. I'm maybe hoping they won't bother with anything.
Prom has come and gone. I wonder what dress you would've picked, who you would've gone with, how excited and sad you would've been at this being your last prom. I miss us...
We picked a recipient for your scholarship fund. I know you are pleased with us rn! 
Please pick a few Heavenly roses and give them to Nana, Grammie, and Nanny for us...and anybody else that might need one. 
Love you forever, mom <3

Truth..to save others

   Have you ever laid in the tub, water full, and ducked under just enough to cover your ears? When all you can hear is you, breathing in and out, in and out. That's how I felt today, when, as I sat detailing my car, Lyn told me the results of the toxicology report. Nothing. Nothing, meaning.. no drugs, no alcohol, no overuse of her Prozac medication, nothing. I couldn't hear anything but me, breathing in and out.
   We all suspected, right? Everyone knew the rumor. We just knew she must have been on or over medicating with something. Why else would she do something so desperate and horrific to herself? It was no more, or less, than human despair, as if that wouldn't be enough.
I feel the pain again, like I did when I sat with her on her bed that day. I feel confusion, sadness, anger, unworthiness, and a new sense of culpability and guilt that isn't soon to leave. Wanna know the "real of it all?" I feel like the worst parent. The worst person. I don't even have words right now. My self pity is, in this moment, self loathing. We all know I was her "go to" person when she needed someone. How do I deal with knowing that she needed someone, me, and I didn't recognize it and wasn't there.
   Please, PLEASE read these blogs and know that the pain you leave behind is just too great! Take another breath, think a minute longer, give it one more day. Try to find SOMETHING to give you hope to keep going. PRAY and know that no matter what you've done, He will listen. No matter what others have done to you, He will be there for you.

I'm sorry for the emotional rant. I was afraid if I didn't write it, I might feel differently tomorrow and not want to share. It is hard writing all this and putting it out there, but my only goal is to tell the story and to try and make a difference somehow. Many may not agree with it, but it's all I have to offer. It's all I can do at this time. What purpose does her death serve, if not to bring awareness?
Please keep my family in your prayers.