God Makes No Mistakes

"God makes no mistakes." I like this phrase for many reasons. 

I have heard so many times that "God has a plan", that "our loved ones are in a better place," that "things happen for a reason." These phrases speak to the death of my beautiful daughter to me, but not of her life. To hear "God makes no mistakes" allows for the possibility, the fact that I WAS supposed to be her mom, that she WAS supposed to be our daughter and sister. But even bigger than that...that our life with her, her life specifically, wasn't a mistake. That in LIFE and in death, it was as it was meant to be. It may be as simple as how it's written, but for me, it is a balance of her life as well as her death, a balance of feelings that I can deal with.

 

Mothers Day. Number two without Sydni, and it was again difficult. I think any holiday or hilite in a grieving family's life, seemingly big or small, is exasperated/expounded by the fact that we now have the technology of social media. It's so difficult to avoid what you feel about daily or life events because it slaps you from every direction thanks to smart phones and apps. On the flip side, it provides a way to keep in touch with friends and society, as well it serves as a forum in which to keep your child's memory publicly alive as long as you can. I am beginning to feel some discomfort in posting pics and feelings I might be having on a given day, not by anyone, just me. Perhaps it's the intellect that sees first that it's time to let it go, without the rest of your being being able to catch up. The fact is that life has moved on, even if we haven't been able to keep up the pace.

What does suicide look like? 

I have observed so many teens over these 2 years, watching strangers from a distance, talking to her friends and different kids I've met, but always wondering, wasn't Sydni just like you?? 

I wish I had answers or great advice to give people about what it looks like before your child takes their life....but I don't! Is it the awkward kid who sits silently at his/her desk? Is it the the "nerd" whose intellect keeps him from connecting with most? Is it the outgoing, always bubbly person who hides their pain?? 

Lyn pointed out that all three families that have lost children to suicide in the past 2 years came from stable, religious, two parent (meaning no divorce) homes, and all were first borns. Do we place too many expectations on those firsts? Do they feel more pressure to succeed and please? I am a first born and I know that there was a lot of responsibility that was given to me because. Is it that we as parents don't really know what we're doing that first time around, and sometimes even the second?? I wish kids could understand that most of us really do do the best we know how, and that we make mistakes just like everyone. I wish Sydni could've understood that I gave everything I had to be the best I could be, for her...and for Landon.

I am a perfectionist by nature, always wanting everything to be just right for everyone around me, but it comes with a price. I in no way think that "I" am perfect, quite the opposite, which is the problem! I'm not sure if I was born a perfectionist, or if my own childhood experiences drew me to the control that is required and demanded by such a personality type. I know that it plays a large role in my relationships...and my parenting. I never wanted Sydni to know too much of my "dark side" and the bad things I had done as a young adult, the rebel I was, the pain and anger I tried to "party" my way thru. Would things have turned out differently if I had shared more with her? ...as parents, we didn't drink, we didn't drug or cuss, we raised our children in the church. We made a home as "perfect" as we knew how for her. Was that where we went wrong? They were conscious and deliberate decisions. She was the beginning of what Lyn and I had always desired..a commitment to each other and to our children. 

I was mean sometimes, disappointed sometimes, hurt sometimes...all feelings I brought with me from my own upbringing and experiences. Was it too much? Does it justify the means? I LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING INSIDE ME! Do you hear that? Didn't you feel that? Didn't you KNOW that?? These words make me sob. I love you Sydni. I tried Sydni. And I secretly think that if I write long enough and yearn hard enough, that you will somehow come back for me. Perhaps I've gone mad, or maybe I'm doing all I can do to stay alive. It is a strange place to be and describe, the place between the rational and ???, between the insane madness and unbelievable truth of reality. I pray you never know how it feels. 

Grief is like being in the belly of a whale, the darkness there so completely isolating and suffocating, your future unknown. How alone Jonah must have felt. He needed God to rescue him, just as I do now. I have seen the Power of God. I've seen Him speak life into existence and I've seen Him take it back. I have experienced the blessings of Christ, but it is SO difficult for me to see the mercy and grace He has for me. I feel...condemned. 

As we ended our counseling session a few months ago I thought we might be nearing the end of our need for therapy. It was a bit awkward, with less to say than any other time we had gone in all these months. I sensed silently that maybe we had finally come to the place where we didn't need it anymore. But just as sure as you think you might have a grip on grief and life and how to "live" again, you find out you're wrong.

The last several months have marked some of their own lows, trying to complete Sydni's headstone, having to see and hear once again upcoming graduations, college preparations, the despair of losing another student to suicide, just to name a few. I almost immediately got texts and messages from friends of Sydni's after the death of another BH student, distraught and reliving the horror, confusion and pain they had already experienced twice less than two years ago. I know that I too felt many of those same emotions, without even knowing the young man who had decided to...  . How can I fill in that blank or finish that sentence when I have no understanding of the COMPLETE loss of hope these kids find themselves in? I feel in some way that I have failed yet again (insert failed perfectionism here :/ ), to emotionally connect and convey to young people that this is NOT the answer, and that you are leaving those that love you behind to endure a living death sentence! Then I think, how crazy of me to think that I could ever write or show anything that might change someone's mind and keep them from doing what they, in desperation, feel they need to do...I had hoped though.

How to describe where we are in this truly endless process... As I sit here and ponder what I would write next, I have no new take on it, but I think I've written this before. The feelings of despair and loss are ever present in our daily lives. Will it ever profoundly change? Will we ever stop thinking about her daily, hourly, minute by minute? I often ask myself how much longer before I feel better? Like really better? Like my old self, a part of the world, a sense of normal where being with a friend or group gathering isn't awkward, where seeing a mom hug her daughter doesn't send me reeling, where someone casually talking about their child's accomplishments doesn't make me want to run and cry. Maybe it comes in such minute steps that you don't see it as "aha" moments. 

I can say that at 2 years, we are NOT where we were when this started or a year ago. 

I think that the vividness of memories, as I've described before as fading, has to diminish with time. I think that it is the only way in which those left behind can continue on. It is unwanted but necessary for survival.

The hardest thing to do is to fuse all these emotions, facts, variables, Biblical truths, and questions into one straight line, a complete sentence that brings peace.

We find ourselves literally clinging to the simplest of distractions, sports practices and games, school functions, the occasional vacations we call "escapes" that we have indulged ourselves with, because there is no longer a big picture to life, not like before. I call this "short term happiness." We no longer have long term goals and dreams that parents patiently ready themselves for, make sacrifices for, and rely on during the "down" times of this life. We are now just surviving the day by day. Yes, we have Landon, and thank God for that!, but our dreams and goals as parents, began with Sydni. Even some of the dreams we had for Landon involved her; how Sydni would pave the way for her brother and nurture him, talk to him, as only a sibling can; where they might go to college; how close they might live to us or one another; how they would hopefully have kids and be close and take care of each other once we were gone. 

After the dust settles, the fact is that your child WILL be forgotten. They will never have children of their own. There will eventually be nothing left of them to carry on. 

I had a strange thought the other day that brought me to tears. It wasn't one of those "who would she be" or "what would she do with her life" thoughts, but...what would she look like in 10 years?  I saw one of Sydni's friends sub'ing at Landon's school this past May, and I thought how much she had grown and matured. I won't ever get to see what might have been...Like I will never know what she would look like as an adult, as a mother. She wasn't even through growing!  She would/will be 19 on the 19th :( I know I've said it before, but moments like this are so overwhelming for me. What she did was SO final, and sometimes the finality of that catches me infinitely aware.
Death of a child, no matter the manner, is so unique, so unfulfilling for the family. What do you think of as you carry your baby nine months but the dreams and promise they hold. That is shattered in the wake of their death.

I know that I will see, and be with Sydni again. That scares me and makes me happy at the same time. It scares me because I don't know exactly what that looks like. I don't know for sure what our meeting in Heaven will look like, or what our forever lives will be like. I am only human, and my earthly expectations and desires are limited. It's about faith.
I was always the scared one! Roller coasters, bungee jumping, parasailing, even a ferris wheel! I so SO admired Sydni's courage and adventurous side to try new things and be so fearless. She would always ride any ride, or jump off anything. I just wish she would've been more afraid to die... How do you not be afraid to die??? 

 

My SydniDrew, I miss you so much! I finally watched Fault in Our Stars and I wished you were with me, cuddling in my bed with me while we watched it together. So many phrases in that movie I could relate to, but one quote, "pain demands to be felt" speaks to me and I suppose to you so profoundly. I'm sorry I didn't see. What you did was so very final.

I don't know that I will blog again for a while, so Happy 19th Birthday! Wow! 19 :/ Who would you be now? We as adults think 19 is so young, and it is! but you would've grown so much too. It is weird not having any current pictures to post for you big day. That is hard for me. 

How could I EVER describe in words or text what you mean to me????????? There are not enough letters or punctuation in ANY language that could touch what I want to say that I feel. 

Heaven is probably so awesome that you are just...idk...doin your Sydni thang! 

I do know you MUST keep everyone smiling with your great personality and kind heart. I wish you would visit me in my dreams. 

We are okay! Don't worry bout us! Just be there when we get there, okay?? Kinda like meeting us at the airport :) You can make a sign if you want to!! ...with a BIG pink heart💗so we'll know it's you faster! :)))))

I went to dinner with Sarah. She's doing great! Kelcy went abroad. I know, shocker!!! Lol   ALL your friends are good and keeping in touch💞 I have appreciated it so much!!

Bubba is playing football. Senior year in TIFI and is doing good. Dad is a rock. Puts up with me still...and misses you as much as I do. 

Why do I write these to you? 

I just miss talking to you. Touching you. Smelling you. ...........I miss you. 

I guess I write these because thru my tears I am crying out right now...this is not real life :( ... just as I did on the day you left. 

It is real life, but it isn't at the same time......

Miss you. Love you. ...wish you were here :/

The Cable Box

   Type, erase. Type, walk away. I can't count how many times I jot down thoughts and then decide against publishing them or just delete them. I wish I had an audio recorder in my head to truly share the ongoing YouTube like soundtracks that play each day. It's a jumbled mess of emotions that jump from one scene to the next depending on my mood, "memory of the moment," or location.  I think, what more can I share, but then I remember why I write these, and honestly, it's for my healing as much as anything else. It's a release, regardless of it redundancy, just somewhere and some way to relieve my brain and heart of "swelling" from pain and sorrow. My "goal" if you will, in sharing these chronicles instead of just journaling them, would be to help someone, if that's possible. 

   So many events, both big and small have happened since my last blog; we went on vacation for Christmas, I was honored to go to a mother/daughter tea, and blessed by a friend who named her baby after SydniDrew (middle name only). I'd be lying if I said that each one of these "bigger" events wasn't hard, but those are sometimes the ones you can plan for, expecting the sadness that will be, but being able to also prepare and give thought to the opportunity and love and even joy that they bring. Most of the time, it's the small, unexpected trials that bring you to your knees...the ones you don't see coming.

   Who knew? Who knew that a simple cable box could evoke so much emotion in a person, but it did. We upgraded our Dish system and I had to turn in Sydni's cable box, still sitting there on her dresser, plugged in and waiting...waiting all these 19 months for her to come home. It stabbed my heart like a dagger to pull the plug from the wall. It was just another painful reminder of something I have yet to obviously FULLY grasp...that she won't be coming home again. 

    Heaven is reserved, for our grandparents and eventually our parents. We imagine ourselves reuniting with them someday when we become those elderly people, but Heaven is not somewhere we envision our children will be before us. Christian parents encourage and teach about Christ's sacrifice and our redemption at the cross, but Heaven is in the far off future, save for the 2nd Coming, a place you prepare for, but never anticipate, until after a long, full life.

   There are moments of clarity for me, times when I can see thru the fog of grief, but always ever mindful of my role and duty to SydniDrew and all that her life and love mean to me. I never want to dishonor or belittle the magnitude of what she brought to us. I never want anyone to think that I have forgotten or feel no more pain, and I'm trying to understand how to be happy, even just smile, while being thoughtful to her memory at the same time. It seems simple enough, but it is not. I was her mom. I am her mom. I loved her then as I do this very day, completely and fully. I miss her now as much as I did that very day she left, but I am here, and I grow tired, exhausted trying to remain where I was and want to be, and where I am now. I don't know what she would want for me, for us. I can assume a posture that she would want us to be happy and fulfilled in this life, but it of course doesn't always feel that way. That's what suicide brings to the table. It takes away the ability to say that it was not in their control, and that they would be with you if they could, that they would want you to carry on in happiness and peace without them. If that were true why would they leave? It has left me feeling hated and unloved, guilty and punished, unworthy and lost. I realize that some of my questions and thoughts are not intellectual or logical. Some are based purely on emotion. Is the act of attempted or successful suicide logical? 

   My relationship with God has suffered. At first it was where I wanted and needed to be, but as time has gone on, I find church a place of judgement, never by the people there, but by God himself. I'm angry with Him. He could've stopped it. Why would He put us through this? I hear people talk about "God's will" or how God delivered them from disease or a situation and how good He is. Well that's not how I feel. I don't feel any relief, any "good" that has come from losing my daughter. It hasn't enhanced my life in any way that is visible to me. I know God and believe. He knows my heart and I hope He forgives me, even when I fail Him.

   It's been nineteen of the longest and most painful months of my existence. I continue to search for balance; of love and loss, of confusion and clarity, of anger and peace, of guilt and forgiveness, of life without her. Her, my precious firstborn whom I long to call out by name, to hear, to see, to feel and smell. I am another day closer to you, my beautiful and loved SydniDrew <3

Guess what?! :) I love you! 

We are all okay here. I know it's been awhile since I have written, but it's just hard to find new ways to say how much I love and miss you :/ 

PresleyDrew was born and Landon and I got to hold her for like a long time!!! Landon was so gentle with her! How awesome is it that you have a baby named after you?? I don't have anybody named after me! lol well except when brother used to say his name was Landon Becky Lewis! Remember that?? 

I got to go to a sorority tea with Kelcy and Ms Terri too. It was really nice and I had a great time with them. I got to see a dorm room and the Baylor campus. I think you would've LOVED college life!! And I would have loved coming for visits, bugging you and meeting your friends, and prolly cleaning your room for you ;) I miss you and your friends being here. ((crying for real right now))...I miss you like I can't even describe...I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom. I'm sorry I was upset with you. I can't change anything now. You took that away when you left. I pray for you to come back, I see a shadow or something and my heart flutters. You are so loved. Your dad is going to A&M for fire school tomorrow, so watch out for him. He is really sad and anxious about going there. He thought he would be spending some daddy/daughter time with you and treating you like the princess he knows you are <3

Well guess I'll go for now. If you wanna talk you know where I am. Come see me in my dreams....tell me all about your new life. 

I love you, my forever love. 

Merry Christmas Darling

   I don't write as much anymore, mostly because it feels repetitive to talk about the same emotions and struggles over and over, but I have been in Sydni's room, and as always, I come out worse for wear and feeling compelled to write, however redundant. We are heading back to Colorado for our 2nd annual Christmas "escape." I continue to call our excursions that because I would never want anyone to think that we are happy or having too much fun without our precious first born, but we'll address that further down the page. 
Anyway, the reason for going in Sydni's room was primarily to retrieve our ski stuff for the trip, but with the holidays and just missing her, I wanted a big dose of her. I don't go in there often, but when I do it's usually for a purpose, not just to be closer to her, hurts too much still...
Boxes of clothes have been sitting, stacked for months in the middle of her room, bed that we put in there for Landon, now in his own room. Bed frames and mattresses lined up against her walls, along with the boxes make it difficult to get into the attic spaces in there, let alone a space where one can sit and just be. I decided to peek thru the boxes, and without hesitation found myself literally face diving inside her shoes and boots, desperate to catch the smallest aroma of her scent, in hopes of somehow re-engaging in her presence. I was overcome with sorrow, the finality of it all so extremely palpable in that moment. I know that I know she won't be back, but there is a very real, unconscious part of me that believes otherwise.
So what am I to do with all her clothes, her things, her room? At first I thought I knew. I boxed up, cleaned out, and then just as quickly, I stopped. I couldn't give her stuff to just anyone! They needed to be worthy of someone so amazing. How can I paint over the walls, take down pictures, remove all signs of the last tangible place she inhabited? This part of the grief comes in waves...paint, don't paint, give away, hold on to; visit her room, stay out; move, don't move...So many ever-changing feelings. Which steps/decisions are the right ones? Some decisions we won't be able to take back. It will be as permanent as her death. When does this pain lessen? When will it be "better?"

Every drawer I open, every cabinet, closet, crevice of this house still contains a life with Sydni in it. It's SUCH a double edged sword! I wouldn't want that stuff not to be there, but I don't want that stuff to be there, adding to the loss we feel.

   I put up a tree and hung lights for the first time this Christmas. Lyn and I both feel an obligation to Landon to try to continue to edge toward a more normal life for him. We bought a new tree and new lights in the spirit of avoidance. We purchased a few ornaments for each of us..and Sydni too <3  I wasn't going to hang any of our normal ornaments, but Landon insisted, so I conceded, but with the stipulation that he help. He agreed and helped hang the ornaments, his and Sydni's, and seemed to enjoy it. 

Put lights on the house, but no yard decor. Didn't have that much spirit. As I was hanging the strands on the eaves, one of the bulbs broke and it happened to land right in the middle of the house. I decided we would leave that bulb out in honor of Sydni. There will always be a light missing from our home.
Here's the thing. As soon as we got the lights hung and the tree up I started wondering what people would think. Would they think we had "moved on," were over it now, were better? Our grief counselor asked me about this very thing. I had said to her that when I move too far from the grief (insert long pause), when I move too far from her, I have to dive back in. She pointed out that moving away from grief doesn't mean moving away from Sydni. WOW moment...but I'm not ready. I feel I'm not worthy of happiness. I don't deserve to enjoy life or holidays because I feel such great responsibility for her death. If I post pics of the tree or the house lights, I need to make sure that everyone knows that we left a light out, so they know we are still so sad, as if that needs to be implied, and yet I'm compelled. I left the light out for the right reason, but I have this need for all to know I'm not okay. If we go on a vacation, then I need to justify it as an escape, which it truly is, but making sure it's clear we are not in it to have "the time of our lives" or anything. It's not for sympathy, it's for clarity. I want everyone to know I'm still living in my Hell, my sentence for the life I didn't save. I don't know how to release the guilt, but I WILL one day...just a little more time.
   I describe where I am as "different," not better or moved forward, just different. The grief is still there, still constant, it's just not the same as it was when it happened. But then to specify how it's different becomes difficult. I don't cry as much, I don't hold my head as low, I don't fear the public as much, I laugh and am even happy at times, idk. Maybe it is something better identified by others outside ourselves, how we seem, rather than from within, but what I do know is I am forever changed.
Our family has pretty much been reduced to just Lyn, Landon and I. Grief has a way of exposing our past hurts and our own inadequacies and amplifying them. I don't feel as tolerant or gracious toward certain disappointments. I'm not angry, just resigned, and I don't feel the fight left in me to try to care whether they becomes resolved. Having said that, perhaps I should be thankful for the struggles of my past. Perhaps these prepared me to weather this storm. If I really look at it, I have lived my whole life with questions, and I feel certain I will die in much the same way. 
It's 11:11. .....
   I would continue to ask for prayers. My faith is there, but my flesh is weak. It hurts to go to church for so many reasons. I know that Christ loves me and died for me, and that I need Him. He IS the way. It's questions and anger, and of course guilt that keep me from receiving all that He has for me I am sure. I often believe I wasn't a good enough Christian parent to Sydni, but I know we have a duty, an "opportunity" (per Bro Danny) for Landon to experience the love, support and knowledge that comes with a church family. 
My specific prayer would be that we could find a way to get past our obstacles, our triggers of sadness, and hear and receive the blessings that God and our church have for us.

   Please know that these blogs serve a purpose for me. They enable me to freely convey my sorrowful emotions and bring about awareness, but they are not my only emotions. Writing and sharing the pain is my avenue to bring meaning to Sydni's death, her beautiful life, and the tremendous love we have for her. It gives me a purpose, and purpose=hope <3 The blogs are all I have to offer at this time to possibly help parents continue an open dialogue with their kids about depression, teen pressures, suicide, or just to connect with one another. I hope it would also serves as a reminder to someone in distress about the devastation left behind, and to understand the permanence of a momentary action. It is so real.

   I hope everyone has a Blessed Christmas. CHERISH the moments, not the gifts. Take more pictures than you should. (I suggest video too) Let those you love know it. Hug and kiss and hug some more! Christ was born this day so that you and I, and my beautiful Sydni could live for eternity. 

SydniDrew <3 Oh how I miss you. I wish I could express the full emotion of how those words really feel. Oh how I love you. I wish I could hold you and show you how precious your life was to us. It is hard without you, as I guess it always will remain. Your friends are trickling home from college, senior pictures are being taken, and acceptance letters received. It continues to be a struggle to wonder what might have been or what you would be doing. Landon needs his sister. Dad needs his baby girl. I need my daughter, my best friend, my Sydni. We leave for Colorado Friday. You would love the snow. I would love snuggling with you and drinking hot chocolate. Landon would love throwing snowballs at you, and dad would love listening to you tell him to make Landon stop. (this made me smile big when I reread!) What a life we had, the Lewis4. It wasn't perfect, but wasn't it good enough?! 

 

Change comes. Love remains.

   Life after a year looks better for us, at least from the outside looking in. I am able to go thru most days without exposing others to my unsolicited crying spells. I can respond to "how are you doing?" with an "I'm okay." I can smile, joke, maybe even laugh a bit, but it's always there. The sadness lurks just underneath the surface of my face, the emptiness still lives in my heart. It's difficult to talk about just everyday stuff when my world still feels so upside down. Is this my life? Is this as good as it gets? I still feel anxious a lot, nervous a lot, depressed and sad a lot. Will I ever be happy again? 

   It is still hard, hard to hear about other's teens and their accomplishments, hard to see teens just..being teens! I feel as if I'm living in an alternate universe, a parallel life to the one I used to know, but I can't get there anymore. I can see, right over there, the road of what was and what should be, but there's no getting to it. Now there stands an invisible wall, between where I am and where I want. The path we're on now, it's not so clear, not so bright and cheery, not at all what we had planned all these years. 

   Sydni's room sits, boxes still littering the once vibrant space of the beautiful soul that lived there. Thank you notes sit untouched. It would almost be embarrassing to send them at this point, and I don't think I am yet emotionally ready to do them anyway. Her gravestone sits, waiting for us to adorn it. We don't yet have her things back from investigators either. I think we are just in survival mode, trying our best to move forward and find a way to give Landon some happiness while waiting out the storm of sorrow that continues to engulf us.

   Landon is struggling again this year with football. He wanted to play at the first of the season, but as time goes on he doesn't want to go. We are trying to steer him toward sticking it out, not quitting, and trying to work through the sadness this sport brings him now. I want to thank all the TIFI coaches and parents for putting up with us this year. Landon sometimes doesn't make it to practice despite our best efforts to get him there, and sometimes sits out of practices because he just can't do it. Even so, he's been given the opportunity to play in the games and it is MUCH appreciated. Everyone has been more than generous with us. He loved football before Sydni died, so it's hard to know if we should let him stop playing or not. We don't want to promote "quitting" either, as we've already lost someone that meant everything to us. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I'm certain some would say press on, while others would say let him stop if it makes him sad, so what's the perfect answer, because perfect is what I need. We want only the best for him, just like we did Sydni. Part of me wishes I knew what it was I did wrong to cause Sydni to die...and part of me would be terrified to know.

   Parenting is never easy, it shouldn't be, but normally we are afforded mistakes along the way. We do the best we can, make the best decisions possible for our kids based on what we were taught, or not taught, and what feels right as we know it in our hearts and in our minds. If we get it right, great, and if we don't, we can try again, differently next time if need be. But now, now I feel I have no room for error. Now I see that every decision I make may cost a person, my only other child, their life. Every squabble, every conflict, the smallest of disagreements triggers my consuming guilt. If I thought that parenting was difficult before, it is monstrous in comparison now. The more I need, want, am drawn to parent differently, the worse I feel about myself and the more I doubt myself as a parent. Parenting differently means that I did something/everything wrong and therefore I have to correct my mistakes. Parenting differently means that I didn't do it right before, with her, and that is overwhelming to me.

   It IS different then a year ago, I just don't know if it's any better. The longer I spend without her, the less I anticipate her return, but there are just no words to describe what life has been or will be without her. I continue to think of her constantly, nearly every waking moment of every day, and I continue to miss her in the same way. I long to hear her say I love you again, I long to smell her, touch her soft skin. What I would give for even one minute, sixty seconds with her. It would make a world of difference for me, but it won't happen. So I will love her, with all that I am for as long as forever will be...

Hey, how have you been? We are okay. Landon had his birthday and thinks being 11 is kind of a big deal :) The grief counselor said he needed to stop sleeping with us so he's back in his room..for now. We let Maci go up there with him cuz he says it's lonely upstairs without you here. Dad is alright. He is struggling some and we are worrying a lot about how to take care of Landon. I know you are really happy in Heaven, but I have to tell you you kinda messed us up down here. I'm not doing so well sometimes. A few of your friends still keep in touch and everybody seems to be doing good. I think you would've LOVED college life, but I think I would've bugged you too much ;) 

I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom to you. I did try for you, the best I knew how. 

I love you and miss you like crazy. 

There'll never be another love like you SydniDrew <3

One year in a lifetime of years

   As I sat on my front porch to clear my head I couldn't help but think..August 8th, 2013 was a day much like today, the world moving all around this house of ours~hot, sunny, quiet, wind at a whisper, with the faint sounds of locusts, birds, dogs barking in the distance, and an occasional car passing by. Just an ordinary day, one in which for some, time would stop, for others it was to be interrupted, and for the rest of the world, life would continue as normal. But inside our home, a beautiful sixteen year old girl was deciding her life. How big is that?
   On this, the first of a lifetime date to remember, I have nothing to compare it to but the day it all happened, the words I left unspoken, the love I didn't readily give on that particular day. I lost myself, sitting on that bed, unable to help someone I would have given my life for. My heart kept beating and hers stopped.
   I hate the thought of calling it an "anniversary." Those are intended to be hallmarks in time of happy and accomplished events, this certainly doesn't qualify as that. Yet it's a day to never be forgotten by our family and friends.
   I know that I am not where I was one year ago, on that day, but I am far from better, or where I want to be. The strong emotions still overwhelm me in waves on a daily, even hourly basis, continuing to make it difficult to make plans as I attempt to stream a single, solid emotion long enough to see to fruition.
   I still have fears, anxieties, weird ones. I don't like going to the grocery store alone. I don't like entering Sydni's room, altho once I'm in I'm okay. I don't like to be in a crowd of people I don't know. I don't like going in the gym. I don't like loud noises or sudden shocks of any kind, I cringe when I have to go to photos on the computer, and these are just a few. I don't like exiting Garth Rd unless we are going to the grave because it feels wrong to be that close to where she is and not go visit, kinda like if your child had moved and you drove by but didn't stop. Cuz if Sydni moved, I was gonna be coming over for sure! <3
   We had grief counseling the day before the one year and our counselor talked about how good it is that we are sharing with others about suicide, because so many who have lost someone to it don't talk about it. I have heard that from a few people as well, that it's a hard topic to broach. I just want to say that is not easy to talk about. It is not what I want the world to know about our beautiful daughter or our family unit, but for me...I speak my truth for my survival. It engulfs me, and without the opportunity to talk about it, it might just consume me. The word shame was brought up in counseling. I don't know that I ever really looked at that word or consciously felt that, but once it was said I did see it, I do feel shame. Shame for my family that suicide has become a part of our legacy. Shame that we couldn't prevent such a tragedy from entering our home, but I am not ashamed that I was Sydni's mom, and will never be. I doubt myself so many times, my confidence shattered, but my love for her is eternal.
   Perhaps my blogging has been of a selfish motive. To feel the sting of suicide and our own set of personal circumstances leading to it, has carried such a weight of feeling responsible. I am sure there is a part of me that needs the reassurance of others. I need to express all the emotion inside me, but I could just as easily journal silently and keep it private. I want people to know, not speculate how we are doing and to enlighten others about how this tragedy has affected our lives. I will never be some world traveling spokesperson for suicide prevention or write a book, but if one person who has lost someone can relate to our story and know they aren't alone in their feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, unanswered questions..or if one person thinking of ending their life, by reading, makes a different choice, then that's all I could ask for.
   We had a sermon last week that was really hard for me. It was about not judging others sins and not asking the question "why would they do that?" I ask this question a lot, but God doesn't want us to get stuck on the questions or the sins of others. He knows every sin you and I will ever commit. Satan wants nothing more than to catch us in our weakness and doubts. God could've stopped what happened to Sydni that day, and I have to accept that He had a bigger plan. It is sooo difficult for me to grasp this. God doesn't make mistakes.
   I would like people to consider that when you shun, are rude or demeaning to someone grieving from child loss, it cuts a thousand times deeper. It plays games with our minds and can leave someone who is trying to regain their confidence and footing to further doubt themselves. If you can't imagine losing a child, then don't imagine how long or how much grace they need. Grief is a complex circuit board of triggers and extreme emotions. Your kindness will be much more appreciated than your judgement.
   This blog is not just about the sorrow, but the journey. I am able to look over this last year and see so many of the blessings given to our family, blessings that I couldn't see in the moment that they happened. I could never ever repay the kind of community support we have received. I've also been blessed with friendships, love, encouragement, stories shared, that I can see now, God sent at just the right moment. Some of the friendships were for just a season, but were there exactly what I needed at that time. The support has honestly at times kept me going. I have never known such generosity of heart as I have discovered this year. I sat down 2 or 3 times to write thank-you's for all the plants, flowers, food, gifts, even monetary donations, and got maybe half a dozen done, but each time I sit and write a personal note to someone, I am overcome with emotion. The loss of her is just so great for me, and I am so sorry I haven't gotten them done yet. I need and want to do them, I just don't know if I can. It amazes me how strong other people are, how they are able to do things that even after a year I still struggle with. Maybe it's a lack of faith, maybe it's a lack of peace, maybe it's just a longer journey for me...

This was sent my one of Sydni's great friends on the year day. I am so thankful for her and her continued Godly concern for our family. This is great food for thought for anyone going thru any kind of struggle. Thank you Savanna. I love you.

So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
(‭1 Samuel‬ ‭30‬:‭4‬ NIV)
~Because it's okay to cry.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬ NIV)
~Because He will give you the strength to over come.

I love you, Lord, my strength. (‭Psalm‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬ NIV)
~Whatever you do, don't give up on Him.

Missing you for days, weeks, months and seconds

   With each day that draws closer to the anniversary, I feel myself sliding backwards. I feel relieved when I am able to piece together a complete thought of acceptance of this situation, void of the constant consciousness of Sydni for that 30 seconds or so, to not feel anxious, guilty, hopeless, to just feel okay. These thoughts are fleeting and infrequent at best, but they do offer me some peace.
   I posted a picture of Sydni on FB recently and I find myself clicking on it, zooming in on her face, studying every curve. Strange how you can look at a picture after someone has gone and notice the details that you didn't before; the green in their eyes, the oh so long eyelashes, the shape or their teeth or their cute little nose, a "frankle" as Sydni called freckles when she was small, that you didn't remember, not because you didn't care or see them, but you didn't NEED to remember all those details because you were gonna see them again tomorrow and the thousands of tomorrows after that. I look at pictures now and think that I have somehow forgotten what she looked like, not completely of course, but just the finer, more intricate parts. I just want to touch her again, feel her, hear her, smell her.
   We just got back from our trip to Mexico, our 2nd escape, this one from the reality of no more summers with her. Haven't been there since Lyn and I got married. Our vacation was good. Our resort was beautiful. There were moments of smiles and laughter, relaxation and even some fun. It was "almost" paradise, but something was missing, someONE was missing that would have made it complete. I "know" she's not coming back, but I continue to "feel" as if she will. It's not a conscious thing, but when I look at a picture, plan for a vacation, even hear a sound upstairs late at night, I think that this can't be the end of us. I thought she and I would be taking a vacay together this summer, maybe just the two of us, best buds enjoying our last moments before she headed off to school and into the big world, but instead we had to go without her.
   Summer will always remind me of Sydni. Perhaps it's because the kids are home and there is more time to interact and do activities with them. We had some great summers..annual trips to Garner, camping, Destin last summer, driving around with the top down, mommy/daughter pool dates, sleepovers with her friends (they always let me hang with them for awhile :) ), or just staying home snuggling and watching movies. Summers were just special. She was special.
   I have finally begun the daunting task of engraving Sydni's gravestone. This is something I have purposely avoided up to now. It is so important to me to "get it right," for it to be "perfect" for her. I don't know that I'm ready for that responsibility. This is NOT what we should be doing! This is NOT natural. We should be packing her up for college or something, anything besides choosing words and pictures for a tombstone. I have scrolled through hundreds of scriptures, quotes, poems, pictures, looking for just the right fit for her. I want it to be meaningful and original, as unique as she was. It's so surreal. It will be my last major tribute to her and how much she meant to us, and how much everyone meant to her. How do I portray a lifetime of love and joy in a few lines? It's impossible really. She was so much more than I could ever verbalize. I wish she knew that.
   As I searched through the net for inspiration I came across a website of poems on suicide. I, of course looked, to see if I could find anything that I could possibly use, not to shame or dwell on how Sydni died, but to somehow enlighten and encourage others not to take this path. I HAVE to believe that that's what she would want, that if she had it to do over, that she would've made a far different decision and have seen the bigger picture. As I started scrolling thru the poems, I quickly realized these were written by regular people, some as surviving loved ones of someone lost to suicide, while others were written by those who suffer from thoughts of suicide, pouring out their hearts about their pain and silent cries for help. It was overwhelming. I had to stop reading them. How could I not see? I'm broken by the thought of her being in that much pain. Did I really know who she was? How, or why, would you not talk about or ask for help? Was this the first time she felt this way, or was this an ongoing struggle? Was this an act of impulsiveness or had she been thinking about it?
   I am truly sorry for those who struggle from depression. I have been depressed at times in my life as well, this obviously, being one of those times, but I can NOT express loudly or often enough how the decision to take your own life is just the wrong one. It is unfair of you to leave us like this, FOREVER broken, with feelings of guilt and abandonment, feeling unloved and unworthy. You end up doing to others the very thing you seek to relieve yourself of. You are loved!
   Forgiveness may hold the key to my survival and ability to move forward, not move on, just forward in my life. I need to forgive myself for anything I may have done to contribute to Sydni's death. (That's so hard..to write "Sydni's death") But even more than that, I need to forgive Sydni. When I think about that, I can be happy for her that she is happy, and I can relax my thoughts a little, not dwell on the moments of that day, like a weight is lifted somewhat. I think it hard for me to forgive. I have had some great disappointments in my life that make it difficult. Forgiveness of things we don't understand, or maybe wouldn't do ourselves is tough. We can't wrap our minds or hearts around why people would do these things that we would never do, but it does happen doesn't it? I know God wants me to forgive. I know I love her enough to forgive her. Maybe I just need more time.

My SydniDrew. How are you? Is Heaven everything we think it is and more? Do you sleep? Do you float around on white billowy clouds, or do you walk majestically down the streets of gold? Do you live alone? Have you made another family? How old are you there? Is everyone the same age? Is there even such a thing as age? So many questions to things we don't often think of unless the unthinkable happens.
Well, we miss you. No new family here. Just us minus you. I sleep. I walk. And earth is just the same. I have been having a lot of bad dreams, so if you could ask God to throw in a good one with you, that'd be great! Dad and Landon love you and Ily too. I'll write again soon.

How many and how are they?

   Well I went to the dermatologist today. Only 2nd time I've ever seen one, first time being right after I had Sydni and my hormones caused my chin to break out something horribly. But today I went for some spots on my back and one on my arm. Sydni had been on me for a while to go and get one on my back checked out and I just kept putting it off. I was nervous, but Landon went with me and he was just awesome. Doctor looked me over, tried to make small talk, and for the first time I was asked "the question"..."so, how many children do you have??" I didn't know what to say! I froze inside, and with barely a pause, for fear he would know I was lying, I said "just one." And immediately I felt..like I betrayed Sydni. It felt wrong. It was just easier. I mean, I wanted to explain to him all that has gone on these past months, but it didn't seem appropriate or relevant to let him into my bubble, my life, my world. I'm so sorry Sydni.
   He said I had 5 basal cell cancer spots, I would live (lol), and that he needed to biopsy them, which of course meant needles, my other and probably biggest fear! But Landon comforted me the whole time. I didn't cry, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for him. I did whine and wince some. It hurt! But all I could think about was that Sydni must have hurt too. It must have hurt a lot to do what she did. Who was I to cry about some stupid shots. Landon kept saying "it's okay mom!" "I'm right here" ...as he held my hand. <3
   I had a bad weekend last week. Not sure what started if, if anything, but Sydni has been in my thoughts constantly every since. We went to Beaumont to play ball for the first time without her. Not sure if that was it or not. I do have a vivid memory of her wadded up in blankets, sleeping on the bleachers at a tournament there. Tourneys can be hard just because of all the teens running around and siblings there watching. Who am I kidding..it's everywhere I go, visions of her doing this or that or just being beside me. I have had 2 people, while at the ballpark, mistaken me for another Sydni's mom in BH and ask me how she is doing. It's beyond hard to get out the words "she's gone, no longer with us, she died" and that they have the wrong Sydni. There are just no rules of etiquette for this kind of situation.
   I felt insecure on this weekend. There has been some tension on our team, and it spills over into personal issues I think, and makes me acutely aware of the failures of my parenting. I so often question my decisions and feelings about what Sydni was doing. Perhaps it wasn't our place to intervene in some aspects of her life. But I also think it would have been irresponsible to condone certain things. Losing a child to suicide will give way to many doubts about yourself, and as I am discovering, doubts about who you really are to other people. We can say that it doesn't matter what others think, but yet relationships help validate our worth.
   There are things that I have noticed that have changed about myself. I avoid public places alone as much as possible. Anything/everything makes me cry. I have extreme anxiety at times to loud noises, loud laughing, screaming, sudden booms or bangs. My head becomes really scrambled and I'm unable to sort it out quickly enough..becomes very chaotic for me. I don't smile much. I don't laugh much. I still find Sydni in literally everything I do, see, touch or smell. I look the "other way" when we pass by the high school. Can't look at where I dropped her off and picked her up so many hundreds of times, or see the door she walked in and out of at school for those 3 years, and the parking lot where we surprised her with her lil sports car. I don't call Sydni by any of her nicknames we had for her. No Syd, Sytni, Sydster, YaYa, none of them. I don't use certain emojis, as I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm too happy or god forbid, laughing. I don't sing in public (and I DO like to sing!) especially at church or at Bo's Place, where we sing Lean On Me every time. I just stand there, in our circle, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, and stare blankly into space or at the floor. It's awkward to say the least.
   We continue to go to grief counseling and Bo's Place. I think there are ways in which things are better, but I'm not sure they are identifiable to me yet. They are different, yet they are exactly the same. Maybe I cry less times a day, but still cry daily. Maybe I have a solid 60 sec where I'm not flooded with her, but she is still there in every other minute of each of my days. Maybe I don't feel as hopeless, but there is still hopelessness. I don't want to let her go, but letting go is inevitable isn't it? This one will be the hardest...

My SydniDrew, summer, and life are not the same without you. I hope you liked the rose pedals we sprinkled on the grave for you graduation night. We went and ate and saw a movie to get away for the evening. We were all really sad, and I know your friends were too. Landon is sleeping some in your room. He says he feels closer to you there :)  We also got a new king bed for our room so he could sleep with us when he needs to. He has bad dreams sometimes. Wish you were here to snuggle with me in it. We are still missing you as much as ever! I think about you constantly. Summer was kinda our season. I miss our pool days. I miss you. Do I ever cross your mind?