Merry Christmas Darling

   I don't write as much anymore, mostly because it feels repetitive to talk about the same emotions and struggles over and over, but I have been in Sydni's room, and as always, I come out worse for wear and feeling compelled to write, however redundant. We are heading back to Colorado for our 2nd annual Christmas "escape." I continue to call our excursions that because I would never want anyone to think that we are happy or having too much fun without our precious first born, but we'll address that further down the page. 
Anyway, the reason for going in Sydni's room was primarily to retrieve our ski stuff for the trip, but with the holidays and just missing her, I wanted a big dose of her. I don't go in there often, but when I do it's usually for a purpose, not just to be closer to her, hurts too much still...
Boxes of clothes have been sitting, stacked for months in the middle of her room, bed that we put in there for Landon, now in his own room. Bed frames and mattresses lined up against her walls, along with the boxes make it difficult to get into the attic spaces in there, let alone a space where one can sit and just be. I decided to peek thru the boxes, and without hesitation found myself literally face diving inside her shoes and boots, desperate to catch the smallest aroma of her scent, in hopes of somehow re-engaging in her presence. I was overcome with sorrow, the finality of it all so extremely palpable in that moment. I know that I know she won't be back, but there is a very real, unconscious part of me that believes otherwise.
So what am I to do with all her clothes, her things, her room? At first I thought I knew. I boxed up, cleaned out, and then just as quickly, I stopped. I couldn't give her stuff to just anyone! They needed to be worthy of someone so amazing. How can I paint over the walls, take down pictures, remove all signs of the last tangible place she inhabited? This part of the grief comes in waves...paint, don't paint, give away, hold on to; visit her room, stay out; move, don't move...So many ever-changing feelings. Which steps/decisions are the right ones? Some decisions we won't be able to take back. It will be as permanent as her death. When does this pain lessen? When will it be "better?"

Every drawer I open, every cabinet, closet, crevice of this house still contains a life with Sydni in it. It's SUCH a double edged sword! I wouldn't want that stuff not to be there, but I don't want that stuff to be there, adding to the loss we feel.

   I put up a tree and hung lights for the first time this Christmas. Lyn and I both feel an obligation to Landon to try to continue to edge toward a more normal life for him. We bought a new tree and new lights in the spirit of avoidance. We purchased a few ornaments for each of us..and Sydni too <3  I wasn't going to hang any of our normal ornaments, but Landon insisted, so I conceded, but with the stipulation that he help. He agreed and helped hang the ornaments, his and Sydni's, and seemed to enjoy it. 

Put lights on the house, but no yard decor. Didn't have that much spirit. As I was hanging the strands on the eaves, one of the bulbs broke and it happened to land right in the middle of the house. I decided we would leave that bulb out in honor of Sydni. There will always be a light missing from our home.
Here's the thing. As soon as we got the lights hung and the tree up I started wondering what people would think. Would they think we had "moved on," were over it now, were better? Our grief counselor asked me about this very thing. I had said to her that when I move too far from the grief (insert long pause), when I move too far from her, I have to dive back in. She pointed out that moving away from grief doesn't mean moving away from Sydni. WOW moment...but I'm not ready. I feel I'm not worthy of happiness. I don't deserve to enjoy life or holidays because I feel such great responsibility for her death. If I post pics of the tree or the house lights, I need to make sure that everyone knows that we left a light out, so they know we are still so sad, as if that needs to be implied, and yet I'm compelled. I left the light out for the right reason, but I have this need for all to know I'm not okay. If we go on a vacation, then I need to justify it as an escape, which it truly is, but making sure it's clear we are not in it to have "the time of our lives" or anything. It's not for sympathy, it's for clarity. I want everyone to know I'm still living in my Hell, my sentence for the life I didn't save. I don't know how to release the guilt, but I WILL one day...just a little more time.
   I describe where I am as "different," not better or moved forward, just different. The grief is still there, still constant, it's just not the same as it was when it happened. But then to specify how it's different becomes difficult. I don't cry as much, I don't hold my head as low, I don't fear the public as much, I laugh and am even happy at times, idk. Maybe it is something better identified by others outside ourselves, how we seem, rather than from within, but what I do know is I am forever changed.
Our family has pretty much been reduced to just Lyn, Landon and I. Grief has a way of exposing our past hurts and our own inadequacies and amplifying them. I don't feel as tolerant or gracious toward certain disappointments. I'm not angry, just resigned, and I don't feel the fight left in me to try to care whether they becomes resolved. Having said that, perhaps I should be thankful for the struggles of my past. Perhaps these prepared me to weather this storm. If I really look at it, I have lived my whole life with questions, and I feel certain I will die in much the same way. 
It's 11:11. .....
   I would continue to ask for prayers. My faith is there, but my flesh is weak. It hurts to go to church for so many reasons. I know that Christ loves me and died for me, and that I need Him. He IS the way. It's questions and anger, and of course guilt that keep me from receiving all that He has for me I am sure. I often believe I wasn't a good enough Christian parent to Sydni, but I know we have a duty, an "opportunity" (per Bro Danny) for Landon to experience the love, support and knowledge that comes with a church family. 
My specific prayer would be that we could find a way to get past our obstacles, our triggers of sadness, and hear and receive the blessings that God and our church have for us.

   Please know that these blogs serve a purpose for me. They enable me to freely convey my sorrowful emotions and bring about awareness, but they are not my only emotions. Writing and sharing the pain is my avenue to bring meaning to Sydni's death, her beautiful life, and the tremendous love we have for her. It gives me a purpose, and purpose=hope <3 The blogs are all I have to offer at this time to possibly help parents continue an open dialogue with their kids about depression, teen pressures, suicide, or just to connect with one another. I hope it would also serves as a reminder to someone in distress about the devastation left behind, and to understand the permanence of a momentary action. It is so real.

   I hope everyone has a Blessed Christmas. CHERISH the moments, not the gifts. Take more pictures than you should. (I suggest video too) Let those you love know it. Hug and kiss and hug some more! Christ was born this day so that you and I, and my beautiful Sydni could live for eternity. 

SydniDrew <3 Oh how I miss you. I wish I could express the full emotion of how those words really feel. Oh how I love you. I wish I could hold you and show you how precious your life was to us. It is hard without you, as I guess it always will remain. Your friends are trickling home from college, senior pictures are being taken, and acceptance letters received. It continues to be a struggle to wonder what might have been or what you would be doing. Landon needs his sister. Dad needs his baby girl. I need my daughter, my best friend, my Sydni. We leave for Colorado Friday. You would love the snow. I would love snuggling with you and drinking hot chocolate. Landon would love throwing snowballs at you, and dad would love listening to you tell him to make Landon stop. (this made me smile big when I reread!) What a life we had, the Lewis4. It wasn't perfect, but wasn't it good enough?! 

 

Change comes. Love remains.

   Life after a year looks better for us, at least from the outside looking in. I am able to go thru most days without exposing others to my unsolicited crying spells. I can respond to "how are you doing?" with an "I'm okay." I can smile, joke, maybe even laugh a bit, but it's always there. The sadness lurks just underneath the surface of my face, the emptiness still lives in my heart. It's difficult to talk about just everyday stuff when my world still feels so upside down. Is this my life? Is this as good as it gets? I still feel anxious a lot, nervous a lot, depressed and sad a lot. Will I ever be happy again? 

   It is still hard, hard to hear about other's teens and their accomplishments, hard to see teens just..being teens! I feel as if I'm living in an alternate universe, a parallel life to the one I used to know, but I can't get there anymore. I can see, right over there, the road of what was and what should be, but there's no getting to it. Now there stands an invisible wall, between where I am and where I want. The path we're on now, it's not so clear, not so bright and cheery, not at all what we had planned all these years. 

   Sydni's room sits, boxes still littering the once vibrant space of the beautiful soul that lived there. Thank you notes sit untouched. It would almost be embarrassing to send them at this point, and I don't think I am yet emotionally ready to do them anyway. Her gravestone sits, waiting for us to adorn it. We don't yet have her things back from investigators either. I think we are just in survival mode, trying our best to move forward and find a way to give Landon some happiness while waiting out the storm of sorrow that continues to engulf us.

   Landon is struggling again this year with football. He wanted to play at the first of the season, but as time goes on he doesn't want to go. We are trying to steer him toward sticking it out, not quitting, and trying to work through the sadness this sport brings him now. I want to thank all the TIFI coaches and parents for putting up with us this year. Landon sometimes doesn't make it to practice despite our best efforts to get him there, and sometimes sits out of practices because he just can't do it. Even so, he's been given the opportunity to play in the games and it is MUCH appreciated. Everyone has been more than generous with us. He loved football before Sydni died, so it's hard to know if we should let him stop playing or not. We don't want to promote "quitting" either, as we've already lost someone that meant everything to us. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I'm certain some would say press on, while others would say let him stop if it makes him sad, so what's the perfect answer, because perfect is what I need. We want only the best for him, just like we did Sydni. Part of me wishes I knew what it was I did wrong to cause Sydni to die...and part of me would be terrified to know.

   Parenting is never easy, it shouldn't be, but normally we are afforded mistakes along the way. We do the best we can, make the best decisions possible for our kids based on what we were taught, or not taught, and what feels right as we know it in our hearts and in our minds. If we get it right, great, and if we don't, we can try again, differently next time if need be. But now, now I feel I have no room for error. Now I see that every decision I make may cost a person, my only other child, their life. Every squabble, every conflict, the smallest of disagreements triggers my consuming guilt. If I thought that parenting was difficult before, it is monstrous in comparison now. The more I need, want, am drawn to parent differently, the worse I feel about myself and the more I doubt myself as a parent. Parenting differently means that I did something/everything wrong and therefore I have to correct my mistakes. Parenting differently means that I didn't do it right before, with her, and that is overwhelming to me.

   It IS different then a year ago, I just don't know if it's any better. The longer I spend without her, the less I anticipate her return, but there are just no words to describe what life has been or will be without her. I continue to think of her constantly, nearly every waking moment of every day, and I continue to miss her in the same way. I long to hear her say I love you again, I long to smell her, touch her soft skin. What I would give for even one minute, sixty seconds with her. It would make a world of difference for me, but it won't happen. So I will love her, with all that I am for as long as forever will be...

Hey, how have you been? We are okay. Landon had his birthday and thinks being 11 is kind of a big deal :) The grief counselor said he needed to stop sleeping with us so he's back in his room..for now. We let Maci go up there with him cuz he says it's lonely upstairs without you here. Dad is alright. He is struggling some and we are worrying a lot about how to take care of Landon. I know you are really happy in Heaven, but I have to tell you you kinda messed us up down here. I'm not doing so well sometimes. A few of your friends still keep in touch and everybody seems to be doing good. I think you would've LOVED college life, but I think I would've bugged you too much ;) 

I'm sorry I wasn't a better mom to you. I did try for you, the best I knew how. 

I love you and miss you like crazy. 

There'll never be another love like you SydniDrew <3

One year in a lifetime of years

   As I sat on my front porch to clear my head I couldn't help but think..August 8th, 2013 was a day much like today, the world moving all around this house of ours~hot, sunny, quiet, wind at a whisper, with the faint sounds of locusts, birds, dogs barking in the distance, and an occasional car passing by. Just an ordinary day, one in which for some, time would stop, for others it was to be interrupted, and for the rest of the world, life would continue as normal. But inside our home, a beautiful sixteen year old girl was deciding her life. How big is that?
   On this, the first of a lifetime date to remember, I have nothing to compare it to but the day it all happened, the words I left unspoken, the love I didn't readily give on that particular day. I lost myself, sitting on that bed, unable to help someone I would have given my life for. My heart kept beating and hers stopped.
   I hate the thought of calling it an "anniversary." Those are intended to be hallmarks in time of happy and accomplished events, this certainly doesn't qualify as that. Yet it's a day to never be forgotten by our family and friends.
   I know that I am not where I was one year ago, on that day, but I am far from better, or where I want to be. The strong emotions still overwhelm me in waves on a daily, even hourly basis, continuing to make it difficult to make plans as I attempt to stream a single, solid emotion long enough to see to fruition.
   I still have fears, anxieties, weird ones. I don't like going to the grocery store alone. I don't like entering Sydni's room, altho once I'm in I'm okay. I don't like to be in a crowd of people I don't know. I don't like going in the gym. I don't like loud noises or sudden shocks of any kind, I cringe when I have to go to photos on the computer, and these are just a few. I don't like exiting Garth Rd unless we are going to the grave because it feels wrong to be that close to where she is and not go visit, kinda like if your child had moved and you drove by but didn't stop. Cuz if Sydni moved, I was gonna be coming over for sure! <3
   We had grief counseling the day before the one year and our counselor talked about how good it is that we are sharing with others about suicide, because so many who have lost someone to it don't talk about it. I have heard that from a few people as well, that it's a hard topic to broach. I just want to say that is not easy to talk about. It is not what I want the world to know about our beautiful daughter or our family unit, but for me...I speak my truth for my survival. It engulfs me, and without the opportunity to talk about it, it might just consume me. The word shame was brought up in counseling. I don't know that I ever really looked at that word or consciously felt that, but once it was said I did see it, I do feel shame. Shame for my family that suicide has become a part of our legacy. Shame that we couldn't prevent such a tragedy from entering our home, but I am not ashamed that I was Sydni's mom, and will never be. I doubt myself so many times, my confidence shattered, but my love for her is eternal.
   Perhaps my blogging has been of a selfish motive. To feel the sting of suicide and our own set of personal circumstances leading to it, has carried such a weight of feeling responsible. I am sure there is a part of me that needs the reassurance of others. I need to express all the emotion inside me, but I could just as easily journal silently and keep it private. I want people to know, not speculate how we are doing and to enlighten others about how this tragedy has affected our lives. I will never be some world traveling spokesperson for suicide prevention or write a book, but if one person who has lost someone can relate to our story and know they aren't alone in their feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, unanswered questions..or if one person thinking of ending their life, by reading, makes a different choice, then that's all I could ask for.
   We had a sermon last week that was really hard for me. It was about not judging others sins and not asking the question "why would they do that?" I ask this question a lot, but God doesn't want us to get stuck on the questions or the sins of others. He knows every sin you and I will ever commit. Satan wants nothing more than to catch us in our weakness and doubts. God could've stopped what happened to Sydni that day, and I have to accept that He had a bigger plan. It is sooo difficult for me to grasp this. God doesn't make mistakes.
   I would like people to consider that when you shun, are rude or demeaning to someone grieving from child loss, it cuts a thousand times deeper. It plays games with our minds and can leave someone who is trying to regain their confidence and footing to further doubt themselves. If you can't imagine losing a child, then don't imagine how long or how much grace they need. Grief is a complex circuit board of triggers and extreme emotions. Your kindness will be much more appreciated than your judgement.
   This blog is not just about the sorrow, but the journey. I am able to look over this last year and see so many of the blessings given to our family, blessings that I couldn't see in the moment that they happened. I could never ever repay the kind of community support we have received. I've also been blessed with friendships, love, encouragement, stories shared, that I can see now, God sent at just the right moment. Some of the friendships were for just a season, but were there exactly what I needed at that time. The support has honestly at times kept me going. I have never known such generosity of heart as I have discovered this year. I sat down 2 or 3 times to write thank-you's for all the plants, flowers, food, gifts, even monetary donations, and got maybe half a dozen done, but each time I sit and write a personal note to someone, I am overcome with emotion. The loss of her is just so great for me, and I am so sorry I haven't gotten them done yet. I need and want to do them, I just don't know if I can. It amazes me how strong other people are, how they are able to do things that even after a year I still struggle with. Maybe it's a lack of faith, maybe it's a lack of peace, maybe it's just a longer journey for me...

This was sent my one of Sydni's great friends on the year day. I am so thankful for her and her continued Godly concern for our family. This is great food for thought for anyone going thru any kind of struggle. Thank you Savanna. I love you.

So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
(‭1 Samuel‬ ‭30‬:‭4‬ NIV)
~Because it's okay to cry.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬ NIV)
~Because He will give you the strength to over come.

I love you, Lord, my strength. (‭Psalm‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬ NIV)
~Whatever you do, don't give up on Him.

Missing you for days, weeks, months and seconds

   With each day that draws closer to the anniversary, I feel myself sliding backwards. I feel relieved when I am able to piece together a complete thought of acceptance of this situation, void of the constant consciousness of Sydni for that 30 seconds or so, to not feel anxious, guilty, hopeless, to just feel okay. These thoughts are fleeting and infrequent at best, but they do offer me some peace.
   I posted a picture of Sydni on FB recently and I find myself clicking on it, zooming in on her face, studying every curve. Strange how you can look at a picture after someone has gone and notice the details that you didn't before; the green in their eyes, the oh so long eyelashes, the shape or their teeth or their cute little nose, a "frankle" as Sydni called freckles when she was small, that you didn't remember, not because you didn't care or see them, but you didn't NEED to remember all those details because you were gonna see them again tomorrow and the thousands of tomorrows after that. I look at pictures now and think that I have somehow forgotten what she looked like, not completely of course, but just the finer, more intricate parts. I just want to touch her again, feel her, hear her, smell her.
   We just got back from our trip to Mexico, our 2nd escape, this one from the reality of no more summers with her. Haven't been there since Lyn and I got married. Our vacation was good. Our resort was beautiful. There were moments of smiles and laughter, relaxation and even some fun. It was "almost" paradise, but something was missing, someONE was missing that would have made it complete. I "know" she's not coming back, but I continue to "feel" as if she will. It's not a conscious thing, but when I look at a picture, plan for a vacation, even hear a sound upstairs late at night, I think that this can't be the end of us. I thought she and I would be taking a vacay together this summer, maybe just the two of us, best buds enjoying our last moments before she headed off to school and into the big world, but instead we had to go without her.
   Summer will always remind me of Sydni. Perhaps it's because the kids are home and there is more time to interact and do activities with them. We had some great summers..annual trips to Garner, camping, Destin last summer, driving around with the top down, mommy/daughter pool dates, sleepovers with her friends (they always let me hang with them for awhile :) ), or just staying home snuggling and watching movies. Summers were just special. She was special.
   I have finally begun the daunting task of engraving Sydni's gravestone. This is something I have purposely avoided up to now. It is so important to me to "get it right," for it to be "perfect" for her. I don't know that I'm ready for that responsibility. This is NOT what we should be doing! This is NOT natural. We should be packing her up for college or something, anything besides choosing words and pictures for a tombstone. I have scrolled through hundreds of scriptures, quotes, poems, pictures, looking for just the right fit for her. I want it to be meaningful and original, as unique as she was. It's so surreal. It will be my last major tribute to her and how much she meant to us, and how much everyone meant to her. How do I portray a lifetime of love and joy in a few lines? It's impossible really. She was so much more than I could ever verbalize. I wish she knew that.
   As I searched through the net for inspiration I came across a website of poems on suicide. I, of course looked, to see if I could find anything that I could possibly use, not to shame or dwell on how Sydni died, but to somehow enlighten and encourage others not to take this path. I HAVE to believe that that's what she would want, that if she had it to do over, that she would've made a far different decision and have seen the bigger picture. As I started scrolling thru the poems, I quickly realized these were written by regular people, some as surviving loved ones of someone lost to suicide, while others were written by those who suffer from thoughts of suicide, pouring out their hearts about their pain and silent cries for help. It was overwhelming. I had to stop reading them. How could I not see? I'm broken by the thought of her being in that much pain. Did I really know who she was? How, or why, would you not talk about or ask for help? Was this the first time she felt this way, or was this an ongoing struggle? Was this an act of impulsiveness or had she been thinking about it?
   I am truly sorry for those who struggle from depression. I have been depressed at times in my life as well, this obviously, being one of those times, but I can NOT express loudly or often enough how the decision to take your own life is just the wrong one. It is unfair of you to leave us like this, FOREVER broken, with feelings of guilt and abandonment, feeling unloved and unworthy. You end up doing to others the very thing you seek to relieve yourself of. You are loved!
   Forgiveness may hold the key to my survival and ability to move forward, not move on, just forward in my life. I need to forgive myself for anything I may have done to contribute to Sydni's death. (That's so hard..to write "Sydni's death") But even more than that, I need to forgive Sydni. When I think about that, I can be happy for her that she is happy, and I can relax my thoughts a little, not dwell on the moments of that day, like a weight is lifted somewhat. I think it hard for me to forgive. I have had some great disappointments in my life that make it difficult. Forgiveness of things we don't understand, or maybe wouldn't do ourselves is tough. We can't wrap our minds or hearts around why people would do these things that we would never do, but it does happen doesn't it? I know God wants me to forgive. I know I love her enough to forgive her. Maybe I just need more time.

My SydniDrew. How are you? Is Heaven everything we think it is and more? Do you sleep? Do you float around on white billowy clouds, or do you walk majestically down the streets of gold? Do you live alone? Have you made another family? How old are you there? Is everyone the same age? Is there even such a thing as age? So many questions to things we don't often think of unless the unthinkable happens.
Well, we miss you. No new family here. Just us minus you. I sleep. I walk. And earth is just the same. I have been having a lot of bad dreams, so if you could ask God to throw in a good one with you, that'd be great! Dad and Landon love you and Ily too. I'll write again soon.

How many and how are they?

   Well I went to the dermatologist today. Only 2nd time I've ever seen one, first time being right after I had Sydni and my hormones caused my chin to break out something horribly. But today I went for some spots on my back and one on my arm. Sydni had been on me for a while to go and get one on my back checked out and I just kept putting it off. I was nervous, but Landon went with me and he was just awesome. Doctor looked me over, tried to make small talk, and for the first time I was asked "the question"..."so, how many children do you have??" I didn't know what to say! I froze inside, and with barely a pause, for fear he would know I was lying, I said "just one." And immediately I felt..like I betrayed Sydni. It felt wrong. It was just easier. I mean, I wanted to explain to him all that has gone on these past months, but it didn't seem appropriate or relevant to let him into my bubble, my life, my world. I'm so sorry Sydni.
   He said I had 5 basal cell cancer spots, I would live (lol), and that he needed to biopsy them, which of course meant needles, my other and probably biggest fear! But Landon comforted me the whole time. I didn't cry, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for him. I did whine and wince some. It hurt! But all I could think about was that Sydni must have hurt too. It must have hurt a lot to do what she did. Who was I to cry about some stupid shots. Landon kept saying "it's okay mom!" "I'm right here" ...as he held my hand. <3
   I had a bad weekend last week. Not sure what started if, if anything, but Sydni has been in my thoughts constantly every since. We went to Beaumont to play ball for the first time without her. Not sure if that was it or not. I do have a vivid memory of her wadded up in blankets, sleeping on the bleachers at a tournament there. Tourneys can be hard just because of all the teens running around and siblings there watching. Who am I kidding..it's everywhere I go, visions of her doing this or that or just being beside me. I have had 2 people, while at the ballpark, mistaken me for another Sydni's mom in BH and ask me how she is doing. It's beyond hard to get out the words "she's gone, no longer with us, she died" and that they have the wrong Sydni. There are just no rules of etiquette for this kind of situation.
   I felt insecure on this weekend. There has been some tension on our team, and it spills over into personal issues I think, and makes me acutely aware of the failures of my parenting. I so often question my decisions and feelings about what Sydni was doing. Perhaps it wasn't our place to intervene in some aspects of her life. But I also think it would have been irresponsible to condone certain things. Losing a child to suicide will give way to many doubts about yourself, and as I am discovering, doubts about who you really are to other people. We can say that it doesn't matter what others think, but yet relationships help validate our worth.
   There are things that I have noticed that have changed about myself. I avoid public places alone as much as possible. Anything/everything makes me cry. I have extreme anxiety at times to loud noises, loud laughing, screaming, sudden booms or bangs. My head becomes really scrambled and I'm unable to sort it out quickly enough..becomes very chaotic for me. I don't smile much. I don't laugh much. I still find Sydni in literally everything I do, see, touch or smell. I look the "other way" when we pass by the high school. Can't look at where I dropped her off and picked her up so many hundreds of times, or see the door she walked in and out of at school for those 3 years, and the parking lot where we surprised her with her lil sports car. I don't call Sydni by any of her nicknames we had for her. No Syd, Sytni, Sydster, YaYa, none of them. I don't use certain emojis, as I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm too happy or god forbid, laughing. I don't sing in public (and I DO like to sing!) especially at church or at Bo's Place, where we sing Lean On Me every time. I just stand there, in our circle, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, and stare blankly into space or at the floor. It's awkward to say the least.
   We continue to go to grief counseling and Bo's Place. I think there are ways in which things are better, but I'm not sure they are identifiable to me yet. They are different, yet they are exactly the same. Maybe I cry less times a day, but still cry daily. Maybe I have a solid 60 sec where I'm not flooded with her, but she is still there in every other minute of each of my days. Maybe I don't feel as hopeless, but there is still hopelessness. I don't want to let her go, but letting go is inevitable isn't it? This one will be the hardest...

My SydniDrew, summer, and life are not the same without you. I hope you liked the rose pedals we sprinkled on the grave for you graduation night. We went and ate and saw a movie to get away for the evening. We were all really sad, and I know your friends were too. Landon is sleeping some in your room. He says he feels closer to you there :)  We also got a new king bed for our room so he could sleep with us when he needs to. He has bad dreams sometimes. Wish you were here to snuggle with me in it. We are still missing you as much as ever! I think about you constantly. Summer was kinda our season. I miss our pool days. I miss you. Do I ever cross your mind? 

Our Senior

    For two nights straight I have found myself in the stadium parking lot, just envisioning and crying. It is as close to her and what "should have been" as I can get. SO many memories there, on either side of me, as I sit, flanked by the stadium and middle school. But Friday night's events won't be a memory for my collection.
   I didn't get the chance to have senior pictures made. Don't have graduation announcements to pass around to family and friends. There's no graduation luncheon or party or trip to plan, but as a parent it just feels right to want, or maybe need, to honor our would-be senior, OUR grad, our beautiful and talented daughter, Sydni Lewis. It will require that I step out of my comfort zone as I look for the first time thru pictures of her on our computer. But I want to do this for her. It just feels important, so here goes...
   Sydni was a member of NHS, JV cheerleader for 2 years along with co-captain for 1. Varsity cheerleader for 1 year, a member of the Spanish Club for 1 year, and was in the top 13 percent of her class at the time of her death. She took dance for 7 years, played piano for 10 years, cheered for 5 years, and in my opinion, was a budding artist. She was a member of Old River Baptist and the youth program and had a huge heart for missions. She was exceptionally loyal, friendly, sensitive, confident yet insecure like most teen girls, adventurous, protective, and above all beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside. She loved God, children, and as we all know of course, animals. She planned to attend Texas A&M or Blinn in the fall and wanted to be a vet, but was also considering a career as a nurse practitioner or teacher.
   This is one of the last pictures of her, taken with my camera by her best friend Kelcy on our annual family vacation last summer to Garner. Little did Kelcy, or any of us know that their "photo shoot" that day would be our last pictorial memories entrusted to last a lifetime. I'm grateful to have them.
   This is for you SydniDrew. You are loved and missed beyond words or thoughts. I could never express enough the magnitude of your impact on my life. You made me a better person and I loved being "Sydni's mom."  I will attempt to display the compassion, generosity, and inclusiveness I have now, countless times, heard that you offered others. It was your gift! I know first-hand the wonderful person you were, and I pray I never forget the smallest details of your beautiful face, those green eyes, your soft hands, your infectious laugh, your glowing smile, your quirks and mannerisms, your walk, or your love. 

YOU could light up a room, like you lit up my life! 

You will forever be your daddy's prom queen, Landon's YaYa, our beloved daughter, my other half and best friend<3
God gave me you



Proverbs 3:5

Graduation

   I have imagined this moment a thousand times in my head over the years. Thought about what it would feel like to see my baby girl all grown up as she received her diploma, and now the time has come, and she's not here. I try to imagine what it feels like to be you, maybe much like those of you who have tried to imagine what it would be like to walk in our shoes.
   Graduation, a monumental moment in a young adult's life, and in a parent's. A culmination of a parent's hard work and selfless dedication to our children. A day to celebrate accomplishments and to survey the endless possibilities of their future. For graduates, I'm sure much the same, mixed with the rush of impending independence. The chance to go out, be on your own and make your own decisions. Maybe there's even a slight hint of fear at leaving the nest of nurturing and rules, comfort and free food. Freedom does come with responsibility.
   It's a day that I would find marked with tears of sadness and of joy. Our babies, all grown up and ready (or not) to face the big world. I imagine I would be crying a lot and Sydni would be annoyed, but reassuring me that she will always be close by, she will be fine, and promising to send me "guess what" texts daily.
   Her goal was to attend A&M, but if  not, she would attend Blinn first. She had looked at other colleges, as evidenced by the tons of brochures and unanswered voice mails that have only recently stopped, but as far as I knew, her heart was set on College Station. We had talked about college since Sydni was really small, trying to instill at an early age the importance of education, and being the first born, you know how much more verbiage and lectures and even pressure you get to succeed.
   I wonder how SHE would feel? I imagine excited, accomplished, relieved, maybe a bit sad to leave her HS and all that she had known, to leave behind younger classmates. But I imagine she would be giddy at the opportunity to walk the stage and slide her tassel, to flash that beautiful smile at everyone and to hug any and all necks that she could possibly find. I imagine that she would be excited to go off to college and make her own choices. This was something she often said we didn't let her do enough of in her HS years. I wish she had understood that we just wanted to keep her safe.
   This is one of the hardest milestones that I have experienced on this journey, if not the biggest. It is difficult to "imagine" her not graduating. It's one of those "this can't be real" moments, as I secretly wait for her to come home and prepare for this most special day with me. Part of me is angry that she has robbed our family of this, but mostly I'm just so sad to not be able to share it with her as I had always dreamed. I feel as tho I've lived an entire, different life in these less than 10 months. Never have I counted as many days, months, holidays, special occasions. It's crazy. It's all just so crazy to me! 
   We have gone back and forth about attending graduation, wanting so badly to support her class and friends, but in the end deciding it is too painful. I have heard tho, that there will be 2 empty seats as they would sit alphabetically, for Amulek and Sydni. I am very grateful, as long as it is a healing tool for the kids, but please don't lose sight of the fact that this is NOT the way to end your life. No one should ever think that suicide is the answer. I have so often thought to myself over these months, if she would have hung on another hour, another day, another month, what her life would be now. I'm sure it would be great, and she would be happy. Never lose sight that there are people out there that don't have a "choice." They suffer illnesses, cancer, diseases.. Problems are temporary. Just stay! Pray. Choose LIFE!

   I do have something to share with the Class of 2014. Something that I feel led to convey on Sydni's behalf, and something I hope you all will hold on to. You are a class that has been through more than most, and a class that his risen above. You have shown so much strength and compassion and love for each other, and for us. It is a non-repayable gift that has truly made these months bearable. My tears are of loss, but they are also of love for the grace you all continue to display. We hurt, but you hurt too. The Class of 2014 will forever hold only the BEST of thoughts for the Lewis family for your kindness and support.
   Below is the drawing Sydni made in her English class last year, along with something Mrs. Guarnere wrote for me that pertained to an assignment on Rachel's Challenge, and what she believed was the inspiration behind the picture. (Sydni was a great artist.)  I share this with you, in hopes that you will ALL be gardeners in life. That you will remember the beautiful hands of a funny, loving, imperfectly perfect teen that have touched so many. That you will grow a tree, a flower, through LIVING your lives, and remember a girl...who wanted to make a difference. 

Never forget <3

Best wishes Class of 2014

Grow something, won't you?

All my love SydniDrew Lewis. I pray your hands DO someday, somehow grow...something as amazing as you.

 

What if?

   I think this or say it probably 100 + times a day, but my "what if" right now is different. At Bo's Place a couple weeks ago, someone in my group brought up a scripture that tells us that our days were numbered, even before we were formed (Psalm 139:16). I have had a lot of trouble with this verse and this truth. I tell myself that it doesn't apply in my circumstance because this wasn't a God-ordained death. This wasn't a death of illness or murder or an accident, it was a death of choice. But perhaps to say this doesn't apply to Sydni means that I don't trust God's Word and His promises to me.
   What if? What if it's true that although He didn't want her to die in that moment, and yet allowed it, that it still was meant to be. He knew she would make this choice, even before she was conceived. But what if, because He knew that the enemy would devour my beautiful girl, He ordained that Landon would be born, to be here to help us carry on. What if we were exactly the parents Sydni needed to reach the goal of 16 years & 11 months of her life? What if, thru her death, He ordained that someone else would live?! Mind blowing I know.
   Our grief counselor says that I am a deep thinker. I agree. I have always been a "thinker," but the loss of our child has made me think so deeply about every molecule of my life and the lives of my family. I wonder...did we go left when we should've gone right? Did we move at some point when we shouldn't have and therefore put this all in motion? Did we not parent correctly? Did we not do what God intended? Am I doing what God intended right now? Am I supposed to be blogging about all of it, or is there something else entirely that I should be doing?
   We as Christians are to seek God's will and walk by faith. But what is faith? Faith is trusting in God's will and plan for our lives. Faith also requires confidence in those decisions that we make, but I find myself doubting possibly critical decisions that were made. I wonder if I didn't pray enough about something. I wonder if a seemingly simple detour in the road caused this. How can someone really truly know beyond certainty that what they are doing or where they are going is God's plan? We can plainly know that we are not to murder or steal, because the bible says so. But the bible doesn't tell you things like where to work or live or how many children to have. Some things you just pray about, listen and follow the answer, and go with confidence..with faith.
   I went to the school and visited with Sydni's English teacher. There was a picture Sydni had drawn that she had offered to me shortly after Sydni's death and I did want it. It was hard walking the school halls where I knew Sydni had walked, hard to sit in a classroom that she once occupied. I almost asked if the room was still the same, and if she could show me where Sydni sat, but I didn't. I was surprised with a whole packet of special writings for me when I arrived, tucked in a folder that Sydni had colorfully decorated. So much thought and detail..and love put into the gathering of it all. Her teacher sat with me, cried with me, shared lots of stories with me, but the most important thing she shared was that Sydni talked about me "even more than most teen girls." She said she could clearly see that Sydni loved her mom. I was so thankful to hear that. I want so much to believe that. What a blessing that visit was for me <3
   I saw a friend at the gym and she was telling me about another parent who had lost their child several years ago, and that this mother told her that she wouldn't have rather not known her son then to have had him the short time she did. I feel the same way. I would do it all over again. Every second of it. Same result. Same all of it. I will NEVER regret knowing her, loving her, mommying her. It was my joy and privilege.


SydniDrew. Me and you..you and me. We had something more special than most moms and daughters. Something only death could sever, and I wouldn't trade one single moment of my life with you. God didn't give you to us for a lifetime, but He did show me what PURE love feels like. Maybe this can only be accomplished by the loss of one so close to my heart.

Labor pains

   This particular anniversary stirs many defining memories. You have been gone as long now, as it takes to create life...9 months yesterday. This is poignant to me. It brings to mind all the emotions of being pregnant and giving birth to you, of the wonders of actually creating a human being, of being so terrified to take you home and to be your mom, of such dreams of an amazing life, of such a huge, lifelong responsibility.
    I have a distinct vision of you at maybe 2 or 3, running toward me, your curly long hair blowing in the breeze. You, brushing it back with your hand, your cheeks so rosy. Its so vivid, I haven't been able to shake the image, and kind of like a song stuck in your head on repeat, you keep wiping back your hair and smiling at me. I remember endless circles danced around the coffee table when your were a toddler, just circle after circle, so many circles in fact that we bought special pads to go around the glass top to protect you from a fall. I wish I could've kept protecting you. You were our world, my world. I can remember laying on your bed when you were 6, after finding out I was pregnant with Landon, crying because I didn't think that I had enough love to share with someone else. I couldn't have been more wrong. If you couldn't know, couldn't feel the love that I had for you, then I don't know what else I could have possibly done.
   I have been taping Dr. Phil lately and watching at night. I often wonder what he would say to us as parents. Perhaps he wouldn't think we did things right. Anyway, Wednesday's episode was an update on this girl/woman who had been held captive for 11+years and escaped. Dr. Phil asked her had she ever thought of taking her own life, and her response was yes, but she said that she then thought that that would be the easy way out, and she was going to overcome her circumstances. This statement was both sad and inspiring to me. Sad because I guess I feel Sydni bailed on us, and that's hard for me to write, as she is not here to defend herself or to explain her reasons for leaving; and inspiring because I too have suffered greatly in my life, but I chose...life. I cannot take back what Sydni did, I cannot fix it, I cannot bring her back. If I choose to live, then I need to live.
   I often focus on the things I think I did wrong, on the ways I could've been different or better somehow, on ways I could've miraculously been the "perfect" parent...but there IS NO perfect. When I hear myself interact with Landon, just the regular daily mundane stuff, the accomplishments and disappointments of each day, I hear kindness from myself. I hear encouragement and motherly advice. I hear...love! I don't act differently toward him then Sydni I don't think. I don't treat him differently since this happened. I take more of an effort in discipline to reassure him that he is loved regardless, but in those everyday moments...I'm just me. For every hundred things I can think that I could've/should've done differently, I can think of a thousand others that I felt I did right. Sydni had good parents. Sydni had a good home. Sydni had...love. But that's what makes it so much more confusing isn't it?
   It's fading, the distinct sounds of laughter and happiness you brought to this home. 9 months since we've heard your footsteps, felt your touch, listened to your voice, and looked at your face. Lyn said that perhaps this is what drives you to look at pictures and videos, so you can remind yourself of what's missing, and what once was. I'm not there yet. I dream about Sydni sometimes, but when I do, I dream as if I am her, kinda sorta. I never see her or talk to her, but instead I am acting out scenarios that she would be a part of. Weird I know. But hey, it's a dream!
   Lyn and I have had the honor and the daunting task of choosing a recipient for Sydni's scholarship fund that her friends established for her. I had to go the High School today to return the anonymous application copies and disclose the recipient. I prepared myself, telling myself to hold it together until I got back in the car, and went in good spirits...then the bell rang while I stood waiting to be escorted to the counselor's office. I couldn't contain it. The longer I stood, the more tears that came. This was my first trip back to the school that meant so much to our daughter. These are just some of the hundreds of thousands of moments where I ask "WHY Sydni? WHY?"
   It was both incredibly touching and yet difficult to read the impact she made on these students lives. I am extremely grateful for their words, and I now know the name of the one we chose. Sydni would be so proud! I wish we could've given it to all that applied, but there just wasn't enough money to spread it that thin. Thank you to each and every one of you, including the ones that just wanted to write about her and did not want to be included in the process. They are a treasure that I will share with Landon when we feel the time is right.
   I have struggled of late with my place in the pecking order of my family. The dynamics have changed, and I find myself, a lot, wondering why I matter. I know I am good for laundry and field trips and school drop off/pick up, but I don't have anyone that needs me like Sydni did, or at least that's how it feels. Real or imagined, it's my emotion. Lyn and Landon have an amazing bond, much like Sydni and I did, and I am extremely grateful that they have that connection. Lyn is Landon's go-to person, the one he wants to spend more time with. Don't misunderstand, my family is very nice to me. Lyn is near perfection as a husband, but it doesn't feel right without her with me. Perhaps this is the natural order of things, boys with boys, girls with girls, but Sydni has left my pack, and left me with a huge void that I'm not sure can be filled. I am bitter with her about this, feel pity for myself about this, sometimes feel I deserve this, and sometimes feel this is exactly what she wanted for me. It is difficult to put in words the swirl of emotions that swim in my head..love, anger, betrayal, guilt, pity, loathing, acceptance..all in the same day, same hour, same sentence. Maybe this is the description of "unconditional love." 
                                                      I miss her...completely <3
   I have done my best to stay off social media as to avoid compounding the inevitable torture of the end of senior year, and to try to grasp the new knowledge of your death. I survived prom weekend, although I did spend a lot of time remembering getting ready together last year. We bought some makeup from Sephora and a can of hairspray and we did it all ourselves. I, the hairdresser; Sydni, the makeup artist. I have to say that I thought she looked flawless! She was such a natural beauty. 
   We also celebrated an anniversary of 20 years this past week, the 6th, but with no celebration. What's to celebrate, when it just feels like survival right now. I hate that this monumental occasion passes with barely a notice. It makes me angry, and I don't want to be angry with her. 
   Mother's Day is coming, and the list of firsts and jabs at our hearts just keeps growing. I have no doubt that this will be an 8 out of 10 on the scale of hard days. It's a day I think that will always leave me feeling half a mom. Thank goodness for DVR. It's almost cruel to see commercials of kids talking about their hallmark moments and how wonderful their moms are. So everyone that goes to church with me just be on guard..tears will be in full swing, but I do wish every mom that reads this a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day. Soak it in and be thankful. Kids, be good to your moms even if you don't feel like it. You are so so blessed to all have each other! I am blessed as well. 
   Sorry this was so long. Guess I had more built up inside than even I knew. 


Guess what?! I love you SydniDrew<3 
There is a new Justin Timberlake song out that would totally be our car jam, top down, music blaring. It's called Not a Bad Thing. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be YOUR fave, since it isn't rap, but I know you would sing along and jam it just for me. It makes me think of you every time I hear it! (said all I want from you is to see you tomorrow, and every tomorrow) Dad has had a really hard few days. The application letters were super difficult for him. He says he misses his "Sunshine!" Remember, he would always say that when he came in from work? "Hey there Sunshine, how was your day?" He and Landon both miss you so much...and me too, of course. I think he is lost without you here to help him shop for me for Mother's Day too. I'm maybe hoping they won't bother with anything.
Prom has come and gone. I wonder what dress you would've picked, who you would've gone with, how excited and sad you would've been at this being your last prom. I miss us...
We picked a recipient for your scholarship fund. I know you are pleased with us rn! 
Please pick a few Heavenly roses and give them to Nana, Grammie, and Nanny for us...and anybody else that might need one. 
Love you forever, mom <3

Truth..to save others

   Have you ever laid in the tub, water full, and ducked under just enough to cover your ears? When all you can hear is you, breathing in and out, in and out. That's how I felt today, when, as I sat detailing my car, Lyn told me the results of the toxicology report. Nothing. Nothing, meaning.. no drugs, no alcohol, no overuse of her Prozac medication, nothing. I couldn't hear anything but me, breathing in and out.
   We all suspected, right? Everyone knew the rumor. We just knew she must have been on or over medicating with something. Why else would she do something so desperate and horrific to herself? It was no more, or less, than human despair, as if that wouldn't be enough.
I feel the pain again, like I did when I sat with her on her bed that day. I feel confusion, sadness, anger, unworthiness, and a new sense of culpability and guilt that isn't soon to leave. Wanna know the "real of it all?" I feel like the worst parent. The worst person. I don't even have words right now. My self pity is, in this moment, self loathing. We all know I was her "go to" person when she needed someone. How do I deal with knowing that she needed someone, me, and I didn't recognize it and wasn't there.
   Please, PLEASE read these blogs and know that the pain you leave behind is just too great! Take another breath, think a minute longer, give it one more day. Try to find SOMETHING to give you hope to keep going. PRAY and know that no matter what you've done, He will listen. No matter what others have done to you, He will be there for you.

I'm sorry for the emotional rant. I was afraid if I didn't write it, I might feel differently tomorrow and not want to share. It is hard writing all this and putting it out there, but my only goal is to tell the story and to try and make a difference somehow. Many may not agree with it, but it's all I have to offer. It's all I can do at this time. What purpose does her death serve, if not to bring awareness?
Please keep my family in your prayers.

The things we think about

   April 8th marks eight entirely too long and exhausting months without..her, SydniDrew, the one we long for without cease. There are days lately I think I'm thru with the blogging. What else could I add that hasn't already been said. The love, the hurt, the pain, the emptiness. It's all there. I spent the first few months trying to alleviate the pain, determined to paint over the pink&gray glittered walls that housed my once vibrant and alive teen, donate her clothes, clear her room. I cleaned. I vacuumed. I sorted and boxed clothes. I wiped everything down, even scrubbed the facing of the pantry door where I saw her hand for the last time just minutes before our lives changed forever, trying to somehow remove all traces of her DNA from our shattered world. Months have gone now and I haven't touched her room. Boxes scatter the place she called her home. Haven't given clothes away. Haven't painted. I now feel more of the loss and less of the pain perhaps, not knowing what I should do with all things Sydni. It is still a daily struggle, to live with the fact she won't be back. I can't grasp the "big picture" of it all. It's too big for me just yet..too long to be without her.
   I feel hyper-sensitive to pain and grief now, kinda like I have a super hero power from a cartoon. I'm being totally serious! It's a heightened awareness of all the bad in this world. It is overwhelming some days, as it seems to hit me from all directions, friends in crisis, FB posts, messages from people struggling, news media. Death and destruction all around us, that before I could filter out as I busied myself with my everyday life, but am no longer able to ignore.
   I feel "weird"...well weirder than the person I was before. So many strange things continue to cross my mind. Things that you don't possibly think of when your family is in tact. So many "firsts" that she never had, and so many things she had barely touched the surface of. I ponder school moments, senior pictures, prom, graduation, then on to where she would end up for college..straight to A&M or to Blinn first. What would her first job have been? What would she be doing on any given afternoon or night?
   Then there's the romantic side of her life. She had only "dated" 2 boys since she had turned 16, one that was very special to us, and to her. Who would she be dating in college? Would that lead to marriage? To children? What would he be like? What a great mom I think she would've been. She adored children. She always said she was going to have 3 kids, and I was going to babysit them, cuz she was gonna be a vet or a nurse practitioner and would have to work :) I loved her sharing her dreams with me. I so wanted to be a part of them. Only God himself could know how special that girl was to me.
   There is the spiritual aspect to all this. You never really REALLY wonder what Heaven is all about, or what happens there until you lose someone so close to you. I lost my Grammie a few years ago, the closest person to be lost thus far to me besides Sydni, and I didn't have such questions as I do now. I wonder things like can Sydni see us, our pain, our achievements? My personal conclusion is that no, she can't. I believe there is no pain or sorrow in Heaven, and if she could see us all here, she would be sad, as I don't believe we are able to choose the moments you would like to be seen, not wanting them to see when we are "bad" but wanting to see the "good" moments in our lives. I have wondered if she is able to send me signs. I no longer think that they are her, but that they are God's comfort to me. I believe that in that moment when she arrived before Christ, that ALL was revealed to her, and she is now a part of Heaven, rejoicing with the angels and praising our Savior and Deliverer, earthly things being left behind. This is hard for me! Having said all that, I don't believe that disagreement with anything I've stated is a deal breaker with God. These are just MY opinions. We all yearn for those that we have lost. He knows our hearts and our pain. We need only to rely on scripture for wisdom, keeping our focus on God as the reason to reach our final destination, and to strive for Him, and not any one person to reach our forever home. Being reunited with our loved ones is a "perk" of our commitment to Christ, not the reason we should aspire to get there. I do still wrestle with God/Sydni swirled together at moments. It is a spiritual journey as well as a grief one to be sure.
   My family and I have been "spotted" as Sydni's childhood friend wrote, by so many friends, some old, some new, even people I've never met, and for everyone's continued and ongoing support, we are forever thankful. Sydni has had t-shirts printed, bracelets and buttons made, money raised for a scholarship fund, poems written, a HS article published, and countless other gestures, all in her honor. I have had the privilege of a continued relationship with many of her friends, some I had met, some I have not. What a blessing, and what great things that says about our daughter, Landon's YaYa, and so many's friend, that her friends would want, feel comfortable enough, and desire to share sorrow and struggles with me, talk with me, and encourage and comfort our family. That's all Sydni! That's the person SHE was and why they feel..safe..talking to me. What an inclusive and beautiful and amazing person we raised <3


My Peanut :) We continue to miss you so very much. There are times I go in your room and just cry out to you. Everyone is having senior pics done, shopping for prom, picking dorms and applying for scholarships. It's a tough time for us. Next will be graduation...and then summer. I imagine this will be an extremely emotional few months. I wish..well it doesn't really matter what I wish. The reality is you are not here.
Née naa noo Ninni <3 always..forever..my heart is yours
#neverforget

Moving? Or not??

   I typically start my blogs by jotting down thoughts and feelings in my notes on my phone. Love being able to do that. When I think I'm done, I transfer them to the iPad to add to my blog page. I had a little trouble getting data to the pad because of a recent update that I installed. This in turn, led me to my iPad messages...and you got it...I couldn't withstand the temptation today, to look at some messages shared with Sydni there. I haven't been able to look at the ones on my phone, just more of a trigger I guess, but I scrolled through what I had on the pad and I was, I don't know, surprised, shocked, relieved, baffled, that everything was so...normal, just as I remember it. Five weeks, one month, three weeks even, it was all normal. There were words of encouragement, words of love, words of parenting and advice. That's where my iPad convos ended with her, about three weeks before, but even after that, she was gone a week and a half from our home, on her mission trip and then to my mom's. I guess my point is, that in less than three weeks, probably even less time than that, I lost my daughter, and she lost herself. She seems so normal in the texts. Just a regular teen dealing with teen issues with friends, boys, parents. There were happy texts. Funny selfies. Us sharing love. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND! I hope you truly believe when I say that we never saw this coming.
   Maybe we are moving into a new phase of grief, or maybe it's others who are becoming able to move on with their lives. I'm scared to even utter the words "move forward" or feel the emotion of what that brings. I think I am better at faking it, at hiding and squelching the tears and sadness that live just under the surface, waiting for the most random moment to show themselves, but I haven't moved anywhere, at least not inside.
   Of course I know that people are going to move forward in their lives. It's normal. It's inevitable. It's certainly what I want...or is it? I say that's what I want, but to see it written or hear it spoken is hard. Do I not mean when I say I want the best for others?? Am I a hypocrite? I don't like hearing anyone, no matter who it is, say that I am doing better. Those words just feel wrong. I feel a sense of abandonment. I feel as if I am disrespecting Sydni's memory, and somehow not being the parent I should be. I want to fight back, rebel against the very notion that I would "do better" without her here. We are never to dessert our children. They are our kids for life, but what about in death? That is certainly different. What do you do with just a memory? She's no longer here to nurture or to see the milestones of a long life. No college. No job. No marriage. No grandchildren. No in-between, day-to-day moments we ALL take for granted. I know that change is coming. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know if I want it. All I know is that I don't want her to be forgotten! All I know is I want her here. 
   How do I find a balance between what was, what is left, and what will be our lives? Am I changing? Or are others changing around me?


My sweet Sydni. I texted your brother the other night to his iPod when he went to bed. Oh how it reminded me of us. We texted like sisters, friends, you and I! Constantly! It brought tears. I miss those "Guess what??" texts more than most could even imagine. I miss your picture hacks on my phone. I miss you sharing with me and sending snapshots. I miss you asking advice. I miss you being a turd. What I would do for one more text...one call...one last kiss and hug. I'm a bit of a mess tonight. Just missing you, like every other day. 
Landon played baseball this weekend for the 1st time since you left. He did good! You'd be proud of him YaYa. He and dad miss you like crazy too. 

How to Save a Life

  I think it's strange that Sydni left before me, beyond the obvious reasons. Why? Because Sydni saved me! Well, Christ saved me, but He sent SydniDrew to me, to leave where I was, and become more of what I should be. From the moment I found out that I was going to be her mom, my life changed. I guess to understand that statement I need to share a little of my story. 
   To say my childhood was not the greatest would be an understatement. I truly have endured things that most people could not imagine. I won't go into details, as there is no need in causing more hurt and pain. I have purposely left this part of my story out, but it is relevant to this blog for me to touch on. Just know that if you have had a hard, tough childhood, I can certainly relate.
   My reason for sharing this part of my life is that I spent most of my young adulthood rebelling, angry with God, and staying as far from Him as I could. I have a lot of things that I regret, although they have had a place in my evolution as a person, a Christian, and yes, as a mom to my Sydni and Landon. I thought that my childhood, and my rebellious years would equip and prepare me to be a better parent. We all want that, to be better parents than the generation before us. Maybe that's what makes me feel so much more a failure, having lost my daughter to suicide of all things. We were so close, she and I, or at least I thought so. I knew her well and I think that's what makes it more confusing, and why I'm not sure that I feel she struggled with long-term depression vs something more short-term. It's ALL so confusing really. 
   I was in love with Sydni before she ever entered this world. I remember more moments than I can count with her in my ever-expanding tummy, when I talked to her, promising that I would ALWAYS take care of and protect her. She was my saving grace! My reason for leaving my dead-end travels and seeking the bigger picture God had planned for my life. She was more than I could've ever hoped for. She gave me hope <3
   The years passed quickly. She grew, strong-willed and full of life! And then our surprise happened. Landon was coming! 
   How could I know then, that Landon would save me too? Who gets that? In one lifetime, two people, sent by God, to deliver them from darkness? Lyn and I both feel that if it wasn't for him we might not be able to go on. Who knows. I'm sure we would find a way. The whole point is we don't have to, because he is here. I'm so grateful to God for him, and to him for enduring all that he has in his short life. I pray we find peace and happiness, for him. He's an amazing young man, who tells me he would someday like to marry someone who knew Sydni. He loves his YaYa so.
   More often lately I think that I shouldn't be thinking of her so much. But then I ask myself...how can I let go of almost 17 years of memories in 7 months time? We LOVED that girl and I don't know HOW long it will take to not think of her constantly.  
   Wanting to "escape" is still a constant. Some things work, very briefly, but others not so much. Wanted to watch a movie to escape for a bit, so I rented Gravity. WHO KNEW that Sandra Bullock's character had lost her daughter!!!!! Really??  I had NO idea when I picked it that it too would have some reference, some relevance to our lives. It is mind boggling how virtually everything that I do, see, touch, smell, hear, can trigger a memory or vision of Sydni, even still! Same result when we went to San Antonio for part of Spring Break. Sea World, Six Flags, the Alamo, the Riverwalk, all places and memories we shared with Sydni. There is just no retreat from it, at least not yet.
   I find myself being more bitter. Bitter about people's actions, bitter about things that will never be, about things we were right about. Who wants to say I told you so at this point? I don't know if this is just part of the process of grieving, but I pray it passes quickly. I pray a lot of things. I wish a lot of things. 
   I will not let your life be defined by that one day Sydni. You were so much more than that moment! I'm trying so hard to let the guilt, the anger, the hurt, the confusion go, so that I can see and remember our best times. Just to allow myself to miss you. That's hard enough without all the other stuff. I'll never be the same without you, but I can be someone. 


  It's been 7 months and counting now. Cheer tryouts have come and gone. Extremely hard day, to remember a year ago. Maybe I didn't say the right things to you. Is this part of the reason you left? I know it was hard for you. Why Sydni? Why aren't you here? I miss you so. I will always miss you. I will always love you. 

Those Friday Night Lights

   Well it's that time again. Stress is rising. Emotions are heightened. Tumbling is at it's peak. Maybe you've already gone to the parent meeting and are sizing up your competition. Hearts will be broken and dreams will be realized. It's time for tryouts!
   Sydni had the HONOR of cheering for BH Eagles for 5 straight years. I can remember vividly the first thru the fifth time she made it. The first time was just pure uninhibited glee as an almost seventh grader, jumping and screaming and hugging, in true Sydni fashion. I think we were both shocked! It was a great way to top off our amazing 1st year at BH. She had made so many friends, loved her new school, and then this! I remember saying to one of the moms that I just needed to keep her humble. I didn't want her to get too caught up in the sudden "celebrity" of it all. She continued to make it each year. Sydni had that "it" thing! She was magnetic on the field, contagious with her smile and spirit...and she was loud! Lol.
She was a great cheerleader!
   Sophomore year was a blow to the ego I think, at first. She made JV for a second year, while her cheer mates moved on to Varsity. She wanted to quit in the beginning, but thru our talks with her and some soul searching, she remained on the squad, and what a blessing it was! She loved Coach Hahn and was graciously offered a co-captain position which she shined as. It was a great year.
   Junior year was her reward, as I like to think of it, for sticking it out, not allowing herself to quit, and facing some challenges in her life. She finally made Varsity, and it lived up to the expectations! She. Loved. It. I think the squad that year would probably agree that they grew into a very close family...the PIC crew ;)
   Senior year cheer was not to be. She had mastered her back tuck in tumble class, but was unable to land it cleanly at tryouts. They gave her a do-over, but only wanted a single flip flop from her. She thought she did well thru the rest of the process, but it wasn't meant to be for her. She was devastated. I was shocked, if I'm honest. I had prepared her every year for the possibility of not making it, but I don't know that you can prepare yourself fully for something that you have accomplished 5 times, only to fall short the last time. I cried with her, was sad with her, heck, I had been a cheer mom for 5 years, and I liked it! But at some point I had to tell her that she was gonna make it without cheer. She wasn't JUST a cheerleader! She was SO MUCH MORE! I know it was hard for her, so hard. She is the one who had to face her peers and hear the whispers and feel the awkward stares. I know she was really concerned about pep rallies and going to games. I know it is HARD to not make it! I tried to tell her that she was not the only one that this had happened to. There were always girls who we just knew would make it, that didn't. It was a part of the reality of cheerleading.  
   Tryouts are subjective. They don't see your qualities day in and day out. It's just an opinion based on a moment in time. I ask that each one of you go out there, do the best you can and give it everything you have. Take pride in your effort and be gracious, no matter the outcome. Do not let whether you make it or not define who you are! If it's not your time, it WILL be okay! I PROMISE! This won't matter in five years, or even one year from now. Be sad for awhile, then dust yourself off and get back up. This isn't the end of your beautiful, crazy life story! Start preparing for the next tryout or find another interest. Have a "plan B," just don't lose hope. 
   If you are fortunate enough to make it, be it middle school or high school, don't let it go to your head. Stay grounded and true to yourself. Being a cheerleader comes with perks, but it also comes with responsibility. Young girls look up to you, want to emulate you, and dream of one day being what you are. Your community depends on your character and moral judgment, to be a role model for other students. I did my best to hold Sydni to these standards. It IS a responsibility, not just a free pass to try to catch the eye of the football star. Take it seriously, and with a sense of duty. Take pride in what you have achieved, and make it count for something. If you make it, be humble, reach out to those who didn't. Don't stare. Don't shun. Don't whisper. Their confidence may have taken a good hit. Speak to them. Text them. Include them. Smile at them. Even if its awkward! Show character. It matters!! Use twitter and FB wisely, especially at first. Text your friends the good news maybe instead of putting it on social network. I know you are excited!!! I know you are proud of yourself! And you should be!!!! Just use discretion.
   Parents. Try not to stress too much :) God already knows the outcome, and your precious girls don't need the added pressure. (only speaking from experience!) Just be supportive when possible and try to critique only if asked. Make sure they know YOU will be proud of them no matter the results. They need to know you won't be disappointed in them if they "let you down" and don't make it. Be at home if possible when results are posted. We were at dinner, and it's not where we needed to be. Go out to celebrate after! If your daughter wants to run thru cheer, chant, etc with a friend, maybe make sure that they are either really good friends or of like ability. If the person next to you is blowing you away with jumps, hand motions, whatever, it can take a toll on your confidence. I don't recommend flowers, just because that seems like something you would only enjoy if you make it, maybe instead, something with a bigger meaning or something that represents your love and pride in them. I wish each and every one of you the best! 
   Even though we weren't involved in any school activities this year, I know that Sydni was remembered in ALL SORTS of ways. I am forever grateful and...yes, honored. Sydni LOVED being a cheerleader, not just for the notoriety, but because she TRULY loved doing it! I think that's why she made it every year, and I think that's what makes a cheerleader a GREAT cheerleader <3
   In closing, I leave you with something very personal to me...a note I wrote to Sydni before her tryouts, dated March 11, 2011. It is not doctored in any way. It came straight from my "notes" on my phone, and from my heart. I now write this note for each one of you...

"Oh Sydni Drew...
Where do I begin! So much seems changed this year between you and I...but some things WON'T change! Like the love and faith I have in you and your abilities! You always rise to the occasion and show what you are truly made of! BELIEVE in yourself and aim for the GOLD...and if it's not what is achieved, then take pride in the COMPLETE effort that you gave! For this doesn't make you a failure, but a WINNER for giving your all! Winning is NOT always the end result...but the process of trying your best! it takes SO MUCH more character to try something you're not the "best" at then it does something you haven't had to strive for! THAT gives you PRIDE...not arrogance!
Do your best...be satisfied with your effort...know that you are LOVED beyond words...and let God decide what's right for you!
I am SOOO proud of you Syd and I hope you will be proud of yourself NO MATTER THE OUTCOME! Your success is not measured by a title!!!!!! It is measured by your courage and character. Others may be physically better than you at certain things, but it NEVER means they are a better person than you are! :)
ALL MY LOVE. Today and forever....
Mom
Please be sure and pray before you go out there. I will be praying too!"



Good luck to everyone!  You are ALL rock stars!!!!
...cheerleading is just something you DO, it's NOT who you ARE. ~Daddy Lewis <3