Graduation

   I have imagined this moment a thousand times in my head over the years. Thought about what it would feel like to see my baby girl all grown up as she received her diploma, and now the time has come, and she's not here. I try to imagine what it feels like to be you, maybe much like those of you who have tried to imagine what it would be like to walk in our shoes.
   Graduation, a monumental moment in a young adult's life, and in a parent's. A culmination of a parent's hard work and selfless dedication to our children. A day to celebrate accomplishments and to survey the endless possibilities of their future. For graduates, I'm sure much the same, mixed with the rush of impending independence. The chance to go out, be on your own and make your own decisions. Maybe there's even a slight hint of fear at leaving the nest of nurturing and rules, comfort and free food. Freedom does come with responsibility.
   It's a day that I would find marked with tears of sadness and of joy. Our babies, all grown up and ready (or not) to face the big world. I imagine I would be crying a lot and Sydni would be annoyed, but reassuring me that she will always be close by, she will be fine, and promising to send me "guess what" texts daily.
   Her goal was to attend A&M, but if  not, she would attend Blinn first. She had looked at other colleges, as evidenced by the tons of brochures and unanswered voice mails that have only recently stopped, but as far as I knew, her heart was set on College Station. We had talked about college since Sydni was really small, trying to instill at an early age the importance of education, and being the first born, you know how much more verbiage and lectures and even pressure you get to succeed.
   I wonder how SHE would feel? I imagine excited, accomplished, relieved, maybe a bit sad to leave her HS and all that she had known, to leave behind younger classmates. But I imagine she would be giddy at the opportunity to walk the stage and slide her tassel, to flash that beautiful smile at everyone and to hug any and all necks that she could possibly find. I imagine that she would be excited to go off to college and make her own choices. This was something she often said we didn't let her do enough of in her HS years. I wish she had understood that we just wanted to keep her safe.
   This is one of the hardest milestones that I have experienced on this journey, if not the biggest. It is difficult to "imagine" her not graduating. It's one of those "this can't be real" moments, as I secretly wait for her to come home and prepare for this most special day with me. Part of me is angry that she has robbed our family of this, but mostly I'm just so sad to not be able to share it with her as I had always dreamed. I feel as tho I've lived an entire, different life in these less than 10 months. Never have I counted as many days, months, holidays, special occasions. It's crazy. It's all just so crazy to me! 
   We have gone back and forth about attending graduation, wanting so badly to support her class and friends, but in the end deciding it is too painful. I have heard tho, that there will be 2 empty seats as they would sit alphabetically, for Amulek and Sydni. I am very grateful, as long as it is a healing tool for the kids, but please don't lose sight of the fact that this is NOT the way to end your life. No one should ever think that suicide is the answer. I have so often thought to myself over these months, if she would have hung on another hour, another day, another month, what her life would be now. I'm sure it would be great, and she would be happy. Never lose sight that there are people out there that don't have a "choice." They suffer illnesses, cancer, diseases.. Problems are temporary. Just stay! Pray. Choose LIFE!

   I do have something to share with the Class of 2014. Something that I feel led to convey on Sydni's behalf, and something I hope you all will hold on to. You are a class that has been through more than most, and a class that his risen above. You have shown so much strength and compassion and love for each other, and for us. It is a non-repayable gift that has truly made these months bearable. My tears are of loss, but they are also of love for the grace you all continue to display. We hurt, but you hurt too. The Class of 2014 will forever hold only the BEST of thoughts for the Lewis family for your kindness and support.
   Below is the drawing Sydni made in her English class last year, along with something Mrs. Guarnere wrote for me that pertained to an assignment on Rachel's Challenge, and what she believed was the inspiration behind the picture. (Sydni was a great artist.)  I share this with you, in hopes that you will ALL be gardeners in life. That you will remember the beautiful hands of a funny, loving, imperfectly perfect teen that have touched so many. That you will grow a tree, a flower, through LIVING your lives, and remember a girl...who wanted to make a difference. 

Never forget <3

Best wishes Class of 2014

Grow something, won't you?

All my love SydniDrew Lewis. I pray your hands DO someday, somehow grow...something as amazing as you.

 

What if?

   I think this or say it probably 100 + times a day, but my "what if" right now is different. At Bo's Place a couple weeks ago, someone in my group brought up a scripture that tells us that our days were numbered, even before we were formed (Psalm 139:16). I have had a lot of trouble with this verse and this truth. I tell myself that it doesn't apply in my circumstance because this wasn't a God-ordained death. This wasn't a death of illness or murder or an accident, it was a death of choice. But perhaps to say this doesn't apply to Sydni means that I don't trust God's Word and His promises to me.
   What if? What if it's true that although He didn't want her to die in that moment, and yet allowed it, that it still was meant to be. He knew she would make this choice, even before she was conceived. But what if, because He knew that the enemy would devour my beautiful girl, He ordained that Landon would be born, to be here to help us carry on. What if we were exactly the parents Sydni needed to reach the goal of 16 years & 11 months of her life? What if, thru her death, He ordained that someone else would live?! Mind blowing I know.
   Our grief counselor says that I am a deep thinker. I agree. I have always been a "thinker," but the loss of our child has made me think so deeply about every molecule of my life and the lives of my family. I wonder...did we go left when we should've gone right? Did we move at some point when we shouldn't have and therefore put this all in motion? Did we not parent correctly? Did we not do what God intended? Am I doing what God intended right now? Am I supposed to be blogging about all of it, or is there something else entirely that I should be doing?
   We as Christians are to seek God's will and walk by faith. But what is faith? Faith is trusting in God's will and plan for our lives. Faith also requires confidence in those decisions that we make, but I find myself doubting possibly critical decisions that were made. I wonder if I didn't pray enough about something. I wonder if a seemingly simple detour in the road caused this. How can someone really truly know beyond certainty that what they are doing or where they are going is God's plan? We can plainly know that we are not to murder or steal, because the bible says so. But the bible doesn't tell you things like where to work or live or how many children to have. Some things you just pray about, listen and follow the answer, and go with confidence..with faith.
   I went to the school and visited with Sydni's English teacher. There was a picture Sydni had drawn that she had offered to me shortly after Sydni's death and I did want it. It was hard walking the school halls where I knew Sydni had walked, hard to sit in a classroom that she once occupied. I almost asked if the room was still the same, and if she could show me where Sydni sat, but I didn't. I was surprised with a whole packet of special writings for me when I arrived, tucked in a folder that Sydni had colorfully decorated. So much thought and detail..and love put into the gathering of it all. Her teacher sat with me, cried with me, shared lots of stories with me, but the most important thing she shared was that Sydni talked about me "even more than most teen girls." She said she could clearly see that Sydni loved her mom. I was so thankful to hear that. I want so much to believe that. What a blessing that visit was for me <3
   I saw a friend at the gym and she was telling me about another parent who had lost their child several years ago, and that this mother told her that she wouldn't have rather not known her son then to have had him the short time she did. I feel the same way. I would do it all over again. Every second of it. Same result. Same all of it. I will NEVER regret knowing her, loving her, mommying her. It was my joy and privilege.


SydniDrew. Me and you..you and me. We had something more special than most moms and daughters. Something only death could sever, and I wouldn't trade one single moment of my life with you. God didn't give you to us for a lifetime, but He did show me what PURE love feels like. Maybe this can only be accomplished by the loss of one so close to my heart.

Labor pains

   This particular anniversary stirs many defining memories. You have been gone as long now, as it takes to create life...9 months yesterday. This is poignant to me. It brings to mind all the emotions of being pregnant and giving birth to you, of the wonders of actually creating a human being, of being so terrified to take you home and to be your mom, of such dreams of an amazing life, of such a huge, lifelong responsibility.
    I have a distinct vision of you at maybe 2 or 3, running toward me, your curly long hair blowing in the breeze. You, brushing it back with your hand, your cheeks so rosy. Its so vivid, I haven't been able to shake the image, and kind of like a song stuck in your head on repeat, you keep wiping back your hair and smiling at me. I remember endless circles danced around the coffee table when your were a toddler, just circle after circle, so many circles in fact that we bought special pads to go around the glass top to protect you from a fall. I wish I could've kept protecting you. You were our world, my world. I can remember laying on your bed when you were 6, after finding out I was pregnant with Landon, crying because I didn't think that I had enough love to share with someone else. I couldn't have been more wrong. If you couldn't know, couldn't feel the love that I had for you, then I don't know what else I could have possibly done.
   I have been taping Dr. Phil lately and watching at night. I often wonder what he would say to us as parents. Perhaps he wouldn't think we did things right. Anyway, Wednesday's episode was an update on this girl/woman who had been held captive for 11+years and escaped. Dr. Phil asked her had she ever thought of taking her own life, and her response was yes, but she said that she then thought that that would be the easy way out, and she was going to overcome her circumstances. This statement was both sad and inspiring to me. Sad because I guess I feel Sydni bailed on us, and that's hard for me to write, as she is not here to defend herself or to explain her reasons for leaving; and inspiring because I too have suffered greatly in my life, but I chose...life. I cannot take back what Sydni did, I cannot fix it, I cannot bring her back. If I choose to live, then I need to live.
   I often focus on the things I think I did wrong, on the ways I could've been different or better somehow, on ways I could've miraculously been the "perfect" parent...but there IS NO perfect. When I hear myself interact with Landon, just the regular daily mundane stuff, the accomplishments and disappointments of each day, I hear kindness from myself. I hear encouragement and motherly advice. I hear...love! I don't act differently toward him then Sydni I don't think. I don't treat him differently since this happened. I take more of an effort in discipline to reassure him that he is loved regardless, but in those everyday moments...I'm just me. For every hundred things I can think that I could've/should've done differently, I can think of a thousand others that I felt I did right. Sydni had good parents. Sydni had a good home. Sydni had...love. But that's what makes it so much more confusing isn't it?
   It's fading, the distinct sounds of laughter and happiness you brought to this home. 9 months since we've heard your footsteps, felt your touch, listened to your voice, and looked at your face. Lyn said that perhaps this is what drives you to look at pictures and videos, so you can remind yourself of what's missing, and what once was. I'm not there yet. I dream about Sydni sometimes, but when I do, I dream as if I am her, kinda sorta. I never see her or talk to her, but instead I am acting out scenarios that she would be a part of. Weird I know. But hey, it's a dream!
   Lyn and I have had the honor and the daunting task of choosing a recipient for Sydni's scholarship fund that her friends established for her. I had to go the High School today to return the anonymous application copies and disclose the recipient. I prepared myself, telling myself to hold it together until I got back in the car, and went in good spirits...then the bell rang while I stood waiting to be escorted to the counselor's office. I couldn't contain it. The longer I stood, the more tears that came. This was my first trip back to the school that meant so much to our daughter. These are just some of the hundreds of thousands of moments where I ask "WHY Sydni? WHY?"
   It was both incredibly touching and yet difficult to read the impact she made on these students lives. I am extremely grateful for their words, and I now know the name of the one we chose. Sydni would be so proud! I wish we could've given it to all that applied, but there just wasn't enough money to spread it that thin. Thank you to each and every one of you, including the ones that just wanted to write about her and did not want to be included in the process. They are a treasure that I will share with Landon when we feel the time is right.
   I have struggled of late with my place in the pecking order of my family. The dynamics have changed, and I find myself, a lot, wondering why I matter. I know I am good for laundry and field trips and school drop off/pick up, but I don't have anyone that needs me like Sydni did, or at least that's how it feels. Real or imagined, it's my emotion. Lyn and Landon have an amazing bond, much like Sydni and I did, and I am extremely grateful that they have that connection. Lyn is Landon's go-to person, the one he wants to spend more time with. Don't misunderstand, my family is very nice to me. Lyn is near perfection as a husband, but it doesn't feel right without her with me. Perhaps this is the natural order of things, boys with boys, girls with girls, but Sydni has left my pack, and left me with a huge void that I'm not sure can be filled. I am bitter with her about this, feel pity for myself about this, sometimes feel I deserve this, and sometimes feel this is exactly what she wanted for me. It is difficult to put in words the swirl of emotions that swim in my head..love, anger, betrayal, guilt, pity, loathing, acceptance..all in the same day, same hour, same sentence. Maybe this is the description of "unconditional love." 
                                                      I miss her...completely <3
   I have done my best to stay off social media as to avoid compounding the inevitable torture of the end of senior year, and to try to grasp the new knowledge of your death. I survived prom weekend, although I did spend a lot of time remembering getting ready together last year. We bought some makeup from Sephora and a can of hairspray and we did it all ourselves. I, the hairdresser; Sydni, the makeup artist. I have to say that I thought she looked flawless! She was such a natural beauty. 
   We also celebrated an anniversary of 20 years this past week, the 6th, but with no celebration. What's to celebrate, when it just feels like survival right now. I hate that this monumental occasion passes with barely a notice. It makes me angry, and I don't want to be angry with her. 
   Mother's Day is coming, and the list of firsts and jabs at our hearts just keeps growing. I have no doubt that this will be an 8 out of 10 on the scale of hard days. It's a day I think that will always leave me feeling half a mom. Thank goodness for DVR. It's almost cruel to see commercials of kids talking about their hallmark moments and how wonderful their moms are. So everyone that goes to church with me just be on guard..tears will be in full swing, but I do wish every mom that reads this a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day. Soak it in and be thankful. Kids, be good to your moms even if you don't feel like it. You are so so blessed to all have each other! I am blessed as well. 
   Sorry this was so long. Guess I had more built up inside than even I knew. 


Guess what?! I love you SydniDrew<3 
There is a new Justin Timberlake song out that would totally be our car jam, top down, music blaring. It's called Not a Bad Thing. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be YOUR fave, since it isn't rap, but I know you would sing along and jam it just for me. It makes me think of you every time I hear it! (said all I want from you is to see you tomorrow, and every tomorrow) Dad has had a really hard few days. The application letters were super difficult for him. He says he misses his "Sunshine!" Remember, he would always say that when he came in from work? "Hey there Sunshine, how was your day?" He and Landon both miss you so much...and me too, of course. I think he is lost without you here to help him shop for me for Mother's Day too. I'm maybe hoping they won't bother with anything.
Prom has come and gone. I wonder what dress you would've picked, who you would've gone with, how excited and sad you would've been at this being your last prom. I miss us...
We picked a recipient for your scholarship fund. I know you are pleased with us rn! 
Please pick a few Heavenly roses and give them to Nana, Grammie, and Nanny for us...and anybody else that might need one. 
Love you forever, mom <3

Truth..to save others

   Have you ever laid in the tub, water full, and ducked under just enough to cover your ears? When all you can hear is you, breathing in and out, in and out. That's how I felt today, when, as I sat detailing my car, Lyn told me the results of the toxicology report. Nothing. Nothing, meaning.. no drugs, no alcohol, no overuse of her Prozac medication, nothing. I couldn't hear anything but me, breathing in and out.
   We all suspected, right? Everyone knew the rumor. We just knew she must have been on or over medicating with something. Why else would she do something so desperate and horrific to herself? It was no more, or less, than human despair, as if that wouldn't be enough.
I feel the pain again, like I did when I sat with her on her bed that day. I feel confusion, sadness, anger, unworthiness, and a new sense of culpability and guilt that isn't soon to leave. Wanna know the "real of it all?" I feel like the worst parent. The worst person. I don't even have words right now. My self pity is, in this moment, self loathing. We all know I was her "go to" person when she needed someone. How do I deal with knowing that she needed someone, me, and I didn't recognize it and wasn't there.
   Please, PLEASE read these blogs and know that the pain you leave behind is just too great! Take another breath, think a minute longer, give it one more day. Try to find SOMETHING to give you hope to keep going. PRAY and know that no matter what you've done, He will listen. No matter what others have done to you, He will be there for you.

I'm sorry for the emotional rant. I was afraid if I didn't write it, I might feel differently tomorrow and not want to share. It is hard writing all this and putting it out there, but my only goal is to tell the story and to try and make a difference somehow. Many may not agree with it, but it's all I have to offer. It's all I can do at this time. What purpose does her death serve, if not to bring awareness?
Please keep my family in your prayers.

The things we think about

   April 8th marks eight entirely too long and exhausting months without..her, SydniDrew, the one we long for without cease. There are days lately I think I'm thru with the blogging. What else could I add that hasn't already been said. The love, the hurt, the pain, the emptiness. It's all there. I spent the first few months trying to alleviate the pain, determined to paint over the pink&gray glittered walls that housed my once vibrant and alive teen, donate her clothes, clear her room. I cleaned. I vacuumed. I sorted and boxed clothes. I wiped everything down, even scrubbed the facing of the pantry door where I saw her hand for the last time just minutes before our lives changed forever, trying to somehow remove all traces of her DNA from our shattered world. Months have gone now and I haven't touched her room. Boxes scatter the place she called her home. Haven't given clothes away. Haven't painted. I now feel more of the loss and less of the pain perhaps, not knowing what I should do with all things Sydni. It is still a daily struggle, to live with the fact she won't be back. I can't grasp the "big picture" of it all. It's too big for me just yet..too long to be without her.
   I feel hyper-sensitive to pain and grief now, kinda like I have a super hero power from a cartoon. I'm being totally serious! It's a heightened awareness of all the bad in this world. It is overwhelming some days, as it seems to hit me from all directions, friends in crisis, FB posts, messages from people struggling, news media. Death and destruction all around us, that before I could filter out as I busied myself with my everyday life, but am no longer able to ignore.
   I feel "weird"...well weirder than the person I was before. So many strange things continue to cross my mind. Things that you don't possibly think of when your family is in tact. So many "firsts" that she never had, and so many things she had barely touched the surface of. I ponder school moments, senior pictures, prom, graduation, then on to where she would end up for college..straight to A&M or to Blinn first. What would her first job have been? What would she be doing on any given afternoon or night?
   Then there's the romantic side of her life. She had only "dated" 2 boys since she had turned 16, one that was very special to us, and to her. Who would she be dating in college? Would that lead to marriage? To children? What would he be like? What a great mom I think she would've been. She adored children. She always said she was going to have 3 kids, and I was going to babysit them, cuz she was gonna be a vet or a nurse practitioner and would have to work :) I loved her sharing her dreams with me. I so wanted to be a part of them. Only God himself could know how special that girl was to me.
   There is the spiritual aspect to all this. You never really REALLY wonder what Heaven is all about, or what happens there until you lose someone so close to you. I lost my Grammie a few years ago, the closest person to be lost thus far to me besides Sydni, and I didn't have such questions as I do now. I wonder things like can Sydni see us, our pain, our achievements? My personal conclusion is that no, she can't. I believe there is no pain or sorrow in Heaven, and if she could see us all here, she would be sad, as I don't believe we are able to choose the moments you would like to be seen, not wanting them to see when we are "bad" but wanting to see the "good" moments in our lives. I have wondered if she is able to send me signs. I no longer think that they are her, but that they are God's comfort to me. I believe that in that moment when she arrived before Christ, that ALL was revealed to her, and she is now a part of Heaven, rejoicing with the angels and praising our Savior and Deliverer, earthly things being left behind. This is hard for me! Having said all that, I don't believe that disagreement with anything I've stated is a deal breaker with God. These are just MY opinions. We all yearn for those that we have lost. He knows our hearts and our pain. We need only to rely on scripture for wisdom, keeping our focus on God as the reason to reach our final destination, and to strive for Him, and not any one person to reach our forever home. Being reunited with our loved ones is a "perk" of our commitment to Christ, not the reason we should aspire to get there. I do still wrestle with God/Sydni swirled together at moments. It is a spiritual journey as well as a grief one to be sure.
   My family and I have been "spotted" as Sydni's childhood friend wrote, by so many friends, some old, some new, even people I've never met, and for everyone's continued and ongoing support, we are forever thankful. Sydni has had t-shirts printed, bracelets and buttons made, money raised for a scholarship fund, poems written, a HS article published, and countless other gestures, all in her honor. I have had the privilege of a continued relationship with many of her friends, some I had met, some I have not. What a blessing, and what great things that says about our daughter, Landon's YaYa, and so many's friend, that her friends would want, feel comfortable enough, and desire to share sorrow and struggles with me, talk with me, and encourage and comfort our family. That's all Sydni! That's the person SHE was and why they feel..safe..talking to me. What an inclusive and beautiful and amazing person we raised <3


My Peanut :) We continue to miss you so very much. There are times I go in your room and just cry out to you. Everyone is having senior pics done, shopping for prom, picking dorms and applying for scholarships. It's a tough time for us. Next will be graduation...and then summer. I imagine this will be an extremely emotional few months. I wish..well it doesn't really matter what I wish. The reality is you are not here.
Née naa noo Ninni <3 always..forever..my heart is yours
#neverforget

Moving? Or not??

   I typically start my blogs by jotting down thoughts and feelings in my notes on my phone. Love being able to do that. When I think I'm done, I transfer them to the iPad to add to my blog page. I had a little trouble getting data to the pad because of a recent update that I installed. This in turn, led me to my iPad messages...and you got it...I couldn't withstand the temptation today, to look at some messages shared with Sydni there. I haven't been able to look at the ones on my phone, just more of a trigger I guess, but I scrolled through what I had on the pad and I was, I don't know, surprised, shocked, relieved, baffled, that everything was so...normal, just as I remember it. Five weeks, one month, three weeks even, it was all normal. There were words of encouragement, words of love, words of parenting and advice. That's where my iPad convos ended with her, about three weeks before, but even after that, she was gone a week and a half from our home, on her mission trip and then to my mom's. I guess my point is, that in less than three weeks, probably even less time than that, I lost my daughter, and she lost herself. She seems so normal in the texts. Just a regular teen dealing with teen issues with friends, boys, parents. There were happy texts. Funny selfies. Us sharing love. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND! I hope you truly believe when I say that we never saw this coming.
   Maybe we are moving into a new phase of grief, or maybe it's others who are becoming able to move on with their lives. I'm scared to even utter the words "move forward" or feel the emotion of what that brings. I think I am better at faking it, at hiding and squelching the tears and sadness that live just under the surface, waiting for the most random moment to show themselves, but I haven't moved anywhere, at least not inside.
   Of course I know that people are going to move forward in their lives. It's normal. It's inevitable. It's certainly what I want...or is it? I say that's what I want, but to see it written or hear it spoken is hard. Do I not mean when I say I want the best for others?? Am I a hypocrite? I don't like hearing anyone, no matter who it is, say that I am doing better. Those words just feel wrong. I feel a sense of abandonment. I feel as if I am disrespecting Sydni's memory, and somehow not being the parent I should be. I want to fight back, rebel against the very notion that I would "do better" without her here. We are never to dessert our children. They are our kids for life, but what about in death? That is certainly different. What do you do with just a memory? She's no longer here to nurture or to see the milestones of a long life. No college. No job. No marriage. No grandchildren. No in-between, day-to-day moments we ALL take for granted. I know that change is coming. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know if I want it. All I know is that I don't want her to be forgotten! All I know is I want her here. 
   How do I find a balance between what was, what is left, and what will be our lives? Am I changing? Or are others changing around me?


My sweet Sydni. I texted your brother the other night to his iPod when he went to bed. Oh how it reminded me of us. We texted like sisters, friends, you and I! Constantly! It brought tears. I miss those "Guess what??" texts more than most could even imagine. I miss your picture hacks on my phone. I miss you sharing with me and sending snapshots. I miss you asking advice. I miss you being a turd. What I would do for one more text...one call...one last kiss and hug. I'm a bit of a mess tonight. Just missing you, like every other day. 
Landon played baseball this weekend for the 1st time since you left. He did good! You'd be proud of him YaYa. He and dad miss you like crazy too. 

How to Save a Life

  I think it's strange that Sydni left before me, beyond the obvious reasons. Why? Because Sydni saved me! Well, Christ saved me, but He sent SydniDrew to me, to leave where I was, and become more of what I should be. From the moment I found out that I was going to be her mom, my life changed. I guess to understand that statement I need to share a little of my story. 
   To say my childhood was not the greatest would be an understatement. I truly have endured things that most people could not imagine. I won't go into details, as there is no need in causing more hurt and pain. I have purposely left this part of my story out, but it is relevant to this blog for me to touch on. Just know that if you have had a hard, tough childhood, I can certainly relate.
   My reason for sharing this part of my life is that I spent most of my young adulthood rebelling, angry with God, and staying as far from Him as I could. I have a lot of things that I regret, although they have had a place in my evolution as a person, a Christian, and yes, as a mom to my Sydni and Landon. I thought that my childhood, and my rebellious years would equip and prepare me to be a better parent. We all want that, to be better parents than the generation before us. Maybe that's what makes me feel so much more a failure, having lost my daughter to suicide of all things. We were so close, she and I, or at least I thought so. I knew her well and I think that's what makes it more confusing, and why I'm not sure that I feel she struggled with long-term depression vs something more short-term. It's ALL so confusing really. 
   I was in love with Sydni before she ever entered this world. I remember more moments than I can count with her in my ever-expanding tummy, when I talked to her, promising that I would ALWAYS take care of and protect her. She was my saving grace! My reason for leaving my dead-end travels and seeking the bigger picture God had planned for my life. She was more than I could've ever hoped for. She gave me hope <3
   The years passed quickly. She grew, strong-willed and full of life! And then our surprise happened. Landon was coming! 
   How could I know then, that Landon would save me too? Who gets that? In one lifetime, two people, sent by God, to deliver them from darkness? Lyn and I both feel that if it wasn't for him we might not be able to go on. Who knows. I'm sure we would find a way. The whole point is we don't have to, because he is here. I'm so grateful to God for him, and to him for enduring all that he has in his short life. I pray we find peace and happiness, for him. He's an amazing young man, who tells me he would someday like to marry someone who knew Sydni. He loves his YaYa so.
   More often lately I think that I shouldn't be thinking of her so much. But then I ask myself...how can I let go of almost 17 years of memories in 7 months time? We LOVED that girl and I don't know HOW long it will take to not think of her constantly.  
   Wanting to "escape" is still a constant. Some things work, very briefly, but others not so much. Wanted to watch a movie to escape for a bit, so I rented Gravity. WHO KNEW that Sandra Bullock's character had lost her daughter!!!!! Really??  I had NO idea when I picked it that it too would have some reference, some relevance to our lives. It is mind boggling how virtually everything that I do, see, touch, smell, hear, can trigger a memory or vision of Sydni, even still! Same result when we went to San Antonio for part of Spring Break. Sea World, Six Flags, the Alamo, the Riverwalk, all places and memories we shared with Sydni. There is just no retreat from it, at least not yet.
   I find myself being more bitter. Bitter about people's actions, bitter about things that will never be, about things we were right about. Who wants to say I told you so at this point? I don't know if this is just part of the process of grieving, but I pray it passes quickly. I pray a lot of things. I wish a lot of things. 
   I will not let your life be defined by that one day Sydni. You were so much more than that moment! I'm trying so hard to let the guilt, the anger, the hurt, the confusion go, so that I can see and remember our best times. Just to allow myself to miss you. That's hard enough without all the other stuff. I'll never be the same without you, but I can be someone. 


  It's been 7 months and counting now. Cheer tryouts have come and gone. Extremely hard day, to remember a year ago. Maybe I didn't say the right things to you. Is this part of the reason you left? I know it was hard for you. Why Sydni? Why aren't you here? I miss you so. I will always miss you. I will always love you.